28 January 2007

box office roundup: an epic weekend

They (and by "they" I mean, of course, the media elite) always complain about how January is a movie graveyard. All the good movies have come out in December in time for Oscar consideration, we're a long few months from summer blockbusters, and anyone who isn't bothering to catch up with all the Oscar nominees will probably see anything that costs 12 bucks and is on a big screen. Or at least, so the logic goes.

So thus we have a weekend in which Epic Movie, whose title pretty much says it all, takes the #1 spot in the box office, with $19.5 million.
Crispin Glover, you should be ashamed of yourself.

They didn't screen it for critics in advance, but the oh-so-talented amateurs who manage to post at Rotten Tomatoes have already stepped up to the plate, calling it "downright offensive in its bile-inducing wretchedness and complete and utter lack of respect for an audience who maybe, just maybe, has come to laugh" and comparing it to "a drunk girl who hits her limit of appletinis at 3 AM and can’t make it all the way home." Love the belabored extended metaphor.

At #2 is Smokin' Aces, an action movie which seems to be about as dumb as Epic Movie, but at least has Jeremy Piven to boast about.
Might be looking a little rough around the edges, but still, he's the Piven.

While it bested Epic Movie's 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Smokin' Aces is still beset with a pretty wretched 29%, with critics accusing it of having "whorish insensitivity" and "a mad, mad, mad, mad whirl of bullets, bloodshed, the occasional breast and agonizingly lame jokes aimed at males who don't get out much." (Nice pun there, in any case)

#3: Night at the Museum.
Because the world will never run out of elementary schoolers to see this movie.

Catch and Release, the only other new release this weekend and the only one I would even admit to kind of wanting to see, came in at #4 with $8 million and what Variety reported was a 75% female audience.
Chicks dig Kevin Smith?

And the rest, in order of dollar-making ability:

#5: Stomp The Yard
6: Dreamgirls (can I note here that in the grocery store I heard a guy singing "Cadillac Car," which is probably the worst of the fake Motown hits in the movie. How do you manage to get that stuck in your head?)
#7: The Pursuit of Happyness
#8: Pan's Labyrinth (I will never understand how this movie has become so mainstream popular, but I'll just be grateful for it and shut up)
#9: The Queen
#10: The Hitcher

Making me see Epic Movie would probably ruin our friendship,


Joe John said...

Let's not forget that Smokin' Aces features the acting talents of motherfuckin' Alicia Keys.

Janie said...

Ew. That is so stupid. Go to an IMAX or something, America. Also, I love love love RottenTomatoes write-ups. "Norbit" and "The Number 23" have reviews that make me lol. I feel like being a movie critic involves little criticism, lots of poetry.