i got skooled: the love we had

Back in 1998, a year before "The Thong Song"...Dru Hill's Enter the Dru was my jam. My favorite song on it was "The Love We Had (Stays on My Mind)" which I should have known was too good to have been written by them. But back in 8th grade, I didn't have lovely resources like Soul Shower, Soul Sides, Funky 16 Corners, Palms Out Sounds, and Soul Detective. Now I do.

THE DELLS- The Love We Had (Stays on My Mind) (1971)
DRU HILL- The Love We Had (Stays on My Mind) (1998)

Sisqo's so lonely with no place to turn,
Joe John

spring flingz

Why make this post? A) I'm tired of people asking me who these people are, B) I'm excited as hell that they are coming to my school, C) I am ready to party hard, D) All of the Above

ANDREW W.K.
(wikipedia - website)

ANDREW W.K.- Party Hard
ANDREW W.K.- Party Til You Puke
ANDREW W.K.- It's Time to Party
(BUY I Get Wet)

TALIB KWELI
(wikipedia - official blog)TALIB KWELI- Get By
TALIB KWELI f/ MARY J. BLIGE- I Try
THE ROOTS f/ TALIB KWELI- Rolling With Heat
(BUY Quality - BUY Beautiful Struggle - BUY Phrenology)

We want fun,
Joe John

i've been gone for a minute, now i'm back with the jumpoff

Seriously. I've been slacking off on blog duties hardcore. While I've been living in the real world these past couple of days, the internet has been buzzing with fantastic news that you (translation: I) would care about.

First off, new SMOOSH has been released. I still can't get over the fact that they're 12 and 14. When I was that age, I was mad awkies. Yet, somehow, they're cooler than I am at 20.
SMOOSH- Find a Way
(PRE-ORDER Free to Stay)

Take a listen to a very old demo of the title track "Free to Stay" or a live version of "Rock Song". I can't wait for this album to drop.

Also, there seems to be a huge rumor leaked about who won on ANTM this cycle. Don't click if you don't want to know. Most likely, you will click even if you don't want to know. I did.

THIS IS EPIC.
Joe John

so powerful, so sexy

I never knew presidential portrait artists had such a sense of humor! This one's just asking me to Photoshop Ms. Lewinski in:

Hellooo, Mr. President.

And supposedly he's not wearing his wedding ring? Tsk tsk!

Oh wait! Hills' portrait is in profile?! Well, move it two feet to the right and you've got yourself a scandal. No computer required:

It can't possibly be that long

Cause it's my United States of Whatever,
Justin

sufjan outtakes pt. 4

It just keeps on coming. Here's the latest leaked song from Sufjan's Illinois outtakes album. It's okay I guess. I kind of hate this whole, "I'm too lazy to make a new album so I'll just release some really awesome outtakes" plan. I mean, I know music is, like, hard to make and all...but where's the next state?

In all seriousness, I think I like "The Henney Buggy Band" more than this one. D/l the other two leaked tracks over at i guess i'm floating.

SUFJAN STEVENS- Dear Mr. Supercomputer
(BUY original Illinois)

Tonight we're gonna party like it's nineteen ninety...hold up it is!,
Joe John 2K

listen when I say...

IT'S SECRETARY'S DAY!

dl: THE RABBITS- Secretary's Day

And for even more cuteness on this lovely holiday...

Hang in there!
Joe John

i can't get enough

After The Oscars, I wrote up a loooong post about the history of Three Six Mafia and it's ever-changing membership, name change from Triple Six Mafia (radio wouldn't play the songs of Satan), and ever-growing list of disgruntled former members. Long story short, blogger screwed up the post...so it never happened.

Recently, I can't stop listening to Three Six Mafia. I don't know why.

THREE SIX MAFIA f/ DMX, PROJECT PAT- Poppin' My Collar (Remix)
THREE SIX MAFIA f/ TRICK DADDY, PROJECT PAT, SLIM THUG- Stay Fly (Remix)
CHRISTINA MILIAN f/ THREE SIX MAFIA- Who's Gonna Ride?
(PRE-ORDER So Amazin', BUY The Most Known Unknown)

It is becoming increasingly difficult out here for the pimps among us,
Joe John

unreleased sufjan leakin'

SUFJAN STEVENS- The Henney Buggy Band
(Courtesy of the gum)

In case you missed it, here is another track from the upcoming outtakes album...
SUFJAN STEVENS- Adlai Stevenson

There is exciting news on the way...but nothing is official so I can't tell yet! It involves a certain band that performed on campus and a certain individual who performs music. Yes, it does have to be that ambiguous for the time being.

I told her I was Crunchy Black and it was all good,
Joe John

dirty diana 4evs

While everyone else has moved on with life after Project Runway, I continue to stalk the contestants at every chance possible. And by stalk at every chance possible, I mean read their blogs and check their websites on occasion. Seriously.

Ms. Diana Eng, my favorite contestant from the start to the finish, once agreed to do an interview for our lovely site. Within a few days, I sent some questions her way. Weeks later, I received this e-mail.

Hi Joe,
I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you but
am really busy this week. I will get to your questions this weekend.
Kindly,
Diana

Well, as you can tell by the lack of interview on this site, Diana never got back to me. In any case, I was still excited just to have her e-mail me a second time that I barely care. One of my major questions for her was about the creepy fan-mail she receives, which she answered indirectly through her blog.

"Of course being a very minor celebrity computer nerd fashion designer means that I get all sorts of interesting fanmail ranging from propositions from men old enough to be my father, to a death threat, to letters written completely in L337. "L" "3" "3" "7." The secret hacker code which consists of numbers such as 3 used to represent letters such as E. Meaning that I get a big mish-mash of letters and numbers in an email that is completely unintelligible to myself.

"My favorite fanmail, was sent by a mail admirer who included a photograph of himself dressed as a robot. He had all the robot parts except for the parts that should have been covering his essential bits ::gestures towards essential bits::. He had robot arms, robot legs.... but then he was bare chested with poorly photoshoped in muscles and below that that were his exposed guy parts! To top it off, he had coated his body in a horribly glistening oil. And after a few years of nude figure drawing, I noticed that he had photoshoped a few inexistent muscles onto his glistening torso.

"I sort of admired his creativity. The robot parts seemed made of tin foil, Wrigley's spearmint gum wrappers and duct tape. But the nakedness was just too much.

"Despite all of my lovely fanmail, I have to say that my favorite part of having been on Project Runway is that I can now wear my glasses to cool people places. Cool people places are clubs, bars, etc. places I used to wear make-up and contacts to in attempts to look my very best. However, now it is more advantageous for me to wear my glasses increasing my chances of having folks recognize me.

"Of course, I only had to go on national television to make wearing my glasses cool."

A small part of me wishes I was that naked robot dude.

d/l: MICHAEL JACKSON- Dirty Diana
(BUY Bad)

I'll be your everything if you make me a star,
Joe John

how to make money post-graduation

Because $40,000 a year isn't pocket change,
Joe John

snake in my boot

I think this takes the joke a bit too far...to a down-right offensive place.

Put a snake in ya butt,
Joe John

my sister on vocals, tiger on guitar

So I was over at You Ain't No Picasso seeing if there was anything new to listen to and the ad at the top of the page was for Jil Station. I sat wondering why this sounded so familiar, and by sat...I mean, I clicked the link to figure it out...

Band Members: Kyle Dreaden, Adam Holzwarth, Brandon Solan, Chris Barnett

Justin's mother. That's why. While we were at a random Friendly's after getting lost on our way home from the airport, she mentioned the name and told me to check out their purevolume page. Weird. I think this is the brother who gets spray-on-mud to make it look like he's been off-roading? Either way, he's almost famous. Good for him.

Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes?
Joe John

for the ladies: literature!

Snoop Dogg is not only a rapper and an actor, but now he has become a novelist! It ain't all about Gin and Juice though. This October, Snoop's debut novel Love Don't Live Here No More will tell the story of a young man struggling to succeed as a rapper in Southern California...

“Snoop, by nature of what he does, is a storyteller,” says Kathleen Schmidt, vice president and director of publicity for Atria Books, a division of Viacom's Simon & Schuster.

This is the first novel in a street-lit series headed by Snoop for Atria. “Books speak more to a female audience than does his music,” Schmidt says, “so these novels give him an opportunity to show, particularly his female fans, another side.”

This is so exciting! I'm glad the D-O-double G is getting in touch with his feminine side.

SNOOP DOGG- Fresh Pair of Panties On
(BUY R&G- Rhythm & Gangsta)

Are you telling me this ain't a sign?
Joe John (with the help of the beautiful Thomas)

boogie in your blog

A little over a year ago, the ever-so-missing Katie made us listen to this song. I was reminded of it by a post on Digital Eargasm. It is true poetry...

EDDIE MURPHY- Boogie in Your Butt

"Put a clock in your butt
Put a big rock in your butt
Put a tin can in your butt
Put a little tiny man in your butt
Put a TV in your butt
Put me in your butt
Put everything in your butt
Just start to sing about your butt
Feels real good
When you sing about your butt..."

Read full lyrics, BUY album

Singing about my butt,
Joe John

that's my jam: i am somebody

This is a single by some random Parisian dude named DJ Mehdi featuring Canada's Chromeo. It is an international explosion of fun. No, seriously...it is. It's about being really cool and important. Which I am.

Listen to me

DJ MEHDI f/ CHROMEO- I Am Somebody

I get knocked down but I get up again,
Joe John

riding the bus with my big gay soccer-player sister

+

+

+
Erica Ash, Dion Flynn, Julie Goldman, Stephen Guarino, Kate McKinnon, Nicol Paone, Michael Serrato, and nobody else that you haven't heard of.

= BIG GAY SHOW

I'm not even kidding. That's the name of the show. It's a half-hour long sketch comedy show premiering next year. Unfortunately for Rosie, it will never come close to the hilarity of this.

In other homo news, Ian McKellen just gave me the worst mental image of him and Patrick Stewart bonking hardcore. I feel dirty now.

Mo money, mo problems,
Joe John

totes a review: imaad wasif

ALBUM: Imaad Wasif
LABEL: Kill Rock Stars
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY: Badly Drawn Boy, Sufjan?, sad guys with acoustic guitars

------------------------------

Imaad Wasif really thinks his album is the shit.

"Hey all you fuckers and contemptuous villains and grandmas too: can you hear the soft blows of my record? This is meant for the late night vibe or the early morning fear but what do I know about setting the mood? I can be the most loveless bastard you’ve ever met or I can love you ‘til you can’t breathe, either way you choose, I will take it too far. So I give you my new solo record and every song on it is a hit..."

Is this cockiness a joke?...Because contrary to his enthusiasm, this album isn't as fabulous as he thinks it is. With his music, Wasif intends to "save people...siphoning away their poisons and negative energy". This form of saving people must come in the form of catharsis, because the songs on this album are mostly just fucking depressing.

What's even more depressing is that there is no reason to like this album. The guitar work is decent, but it's nothing you haven't heard before. Maybe the lyrics are great! Nope. Sorry. The lyrics on this album are comparable to not just any "emo" band, but the sort of shitty one that is signed to Victory Records receiving very little promotion (see Bayside). This would seem a horribly elitist statement, but just read...

"This wonderful pain; Feel it everyday; Wonderful, empty feeling I crave; You can always find a friend; To hurt you when you're down; It's wonderful; To be without"- Imaad Wasif, "Without"

"Don't want to cry; For the dead things; Don't want to open up; The wounds that never heal; I found a space between; For all those memories; Out in the black; Where they keep me company"- Imaad Wasif, "Out in the Black"

But lyrics and an acoustic guitar aren't everything. Maybe Imaad Wasif has an amazing voice! Nope. Sorry. Just like the instrumental and lyrical work, you've heard it before.

In the end, it seems that this very familiarity almost redeems the album. "Blade" sounds like a stripped down tune by Badly Drawn Boy. "Whisper" sounds like one of those coffee-shop guys with a guitar that you used to love.

When you get past the lack of originality within the individual songs and think about the album as a whole, it still doesn't quite hit a home run. Maybe the album has a nice flow! Nope. Sorry. The song order appears to be random...except for the annoying placement of the ONE uplifting song, "Tomorrow is Ours", at the end of the album. As the token hopeful closing track, it leaves you feeling very empty inside. The rest of the album contains no ups and downs, but all downs.

Maybe Wasif just sucks and will get nowhere in life! Nope. Sorry. With four bands behind him (Zao, Lowercase, alaska!, The New Folk Implosion), it looks like good ol' Imaad is going to keep going with the music. On top of that, he's now a touring member of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Therefore, we can't get rid of him that easily, and maybe we don't want to just yet! Nope? Sorry, we'll have to wait to find out.

IMAAD WASIF- Whisper
IMAAD WASIF- Blade
(BUY Imaad Wasif)

My most obnoxious review ever written,
Joe John

totesumbrellas april mixtape: april showers

Remember that day it snowed earlier this month? I do too. That certainly isn't about to bring in some May flowers. Either way, it's spring or some junk. I decided to make a mixtape that is somehow appropriate for both running through the raindrops and lounging on the grass. There is a mixture of moods throughout the mix, just as there is a mixture of feelings that come with April. With the warmth, came allergies. With the completion of your thesis came the process of actually finishing it. With the boys with no shirts came the boys who shouldn't ever take their shirts off.

For some reason this mix is divided in two sections-- one of mostly electronic compositions and one that is primarily instrumental. Perhaps it echoes the dual nature of this month, or perhaps that was just a coincidence. I'll pretend that it was the first of those choices.

1. FIREFOX AK- What's that Sound?: This is the song that inspired the mix as a whole. If you listen to it, my reasoning for its inclusion is obviously instilled within the chorus: "It still rains in my ears. Hey hey! What's that sound?" Sure, it's obvious...but not as obvious as "The Rain" by Missy Elliott. Plus, it is a pure Swedish pop gem. (BUY Madame, Madame)
   
2. MAX TUNDRA- Lysine: Speaking of "The Rain" by Missy Elliott, this guy remixed it. He also wrote a cute electro-pop song about amino acids. This is that song. It is a Slip N Slide of Jello and love. On an unrelated note, did you know that lysine can be used as a nutritional supplement to help fight herpes? I didn't. I swear. (BUY Mastered by Guy at the Exchange)
   
3. DJ COPY/MARIAH CAREY- Emotions: This will make it okay to listen to Mariah Carey. Copy is the man behind a collection of remixes entitled The Diva Mixtape featuring Mimi, Mary J. Blige, TLC, Janet Jackson, Destiny's Child, and others. It's fantabulous and less gay than you think. Or maybe more gay than you think...because I'm not really sure how you think. (BUY Mobius Beard CD)
   
4. mc DJ/FEIST- Mushaboom (remix): I like this more than the original version of "Mushaboom" and I'm sort of ashamed of it. Or maybe I'm proud of it. I'm having trouble making up my mind today. (READ mc DJ's blog, BUY his album when it drops)
   
5. TRILAMBS F/ BOOBIE GRANDE & MONTE CRISTO- Guttenberg: Big ups to Sir Max for leading me to this treasure. This group features Sunny D. Levine and Juliette & Joachim from Vagenius. By the way, Vagenius changed their name to Hello Stranger if you were wondering at all. This song is my JAM and it can be your jam too. (COP THAT shit over here)
   
6. AK-MOMO- Women to Control: Way to slow down the dance party! This song turns the mix around quite a bit. I guess you can say that it is the dark cloud on the sunny day. However, it is very pretty. It will take you a few times to grow into this tune, but I promise that there will be a rainbow by the end. (BUY Return to NY)
   
7. GNARLS BARKLEY- Just a Thought: Leave it to Cee-Lo and DJ Dangermouse to make an upbeat jam about suicidal thoughts. I guess it's been done before...by Blink182? I'm not sure whether to dance or wallow in my troubles. The confusion adds a certain charm to this song. Cee-Lo certainly is a soul machine, singing the blues. Gnarls Barkley is cray-cray!<--This link includes the best video ever, "Um, when I look at this ink blot, I see Cee-Lo Green, soul machine" (BUY St. Elsewhere)
   
8. LEIF/MIRROR BOIYZ- Don't Get It Twisted (First Take Remix): This is a rough first take of the beginning of a beautiful musical friendship. Honorary Mirror Boiy Leif asked if he could remix our shit. We said yes. Check out his shiz on the space. Or check out our shit on the space. Uh huh, that's MY shit.
   
9. BJORK- I Miss You (Sunshine Mix): I just really like Bjork, OK? Bjork + rappers = a dream (BUY Post)
   
10. JOSE GONZALEZ vs. THE GAME- Dreams/Crosses: I don't really love either of these songs alone. When they're put together everything is better. I actually listen to the lyrics that The Game spits, which aren't as terrible as most of the crap that's out today. Somehow, Jose's guitarwork makes them seem much more sincere and earnest...and somehow I appreciate Jose's instrumental a bit more than I would if I was just listening to Veneer. This a successful, glorified mash-up, but I'm okay with that. (BUY Sometimes I Rhyme Slow by Dert)
    
11. DESTROYER- Rubies: I've tried to tone down my excitement about Destroyer's Rubies after my obsession with Super Extra Gravity and Twin Cinema went a bit overboard. Now, I have too much pent-up love for this album...and this song. No one ever posts this song. I wondered why until I realized that it is almost 9 1/2 minutes long. It doesn't feel like 9 minutes for me, but I guess time flies when you're having fun. Unfortunately, some don't think Dan Bejar's voice is very fun. (BUY Destroyer's Rubies)
    
12. THE GRATES- 19-20-20: BAM! This song is so packed with energy that it might as well be in an iPod ad. But don't worry...you only have to be ashamed for listening to it when it actually is. (BUY The Ouch, The Touch)
    
13. SING-SING- Come, Sing Me a Song: Sing-Sing is apparently a band featuring former Lush guitarist Emma Anderson. I really don't care who they are as long as this song is in my ears. (BUY album)
    
14. SPIRIT MARINES- Challenger: The Spirit Marines attend good ol' Wesleyan and they happen to make music while they do it. This is a song that I like by them. They are also streaming another song on the space. They are comprised of that kid who runs Dancepartyscenesterz sometimes, Jake Aron, Sam Ubl, and Zach Fried. Go to their shows or something.
    
15. FIGURINES- Silver Ponds: I'm not sure how I feel about the Figurines. Pitchfork gave them an 8.3, but what the fuck does Pitchfork know? I've been trying to write a review for this album and it's just not coming out. There are songs ("Race You") that I can't tell if I hate because they remind me of some British dude with a piano a la Aqualung or if I love because the vocals are reminiscent of a male Joanna Newsom. In any case, I will save the rant. This song is pretty good, even though (after all the talk about it) you really would rather hear "Race You". (BUY The Skeleton)
    
16. THE PIPETTES- Judy: It's no secret that I love The Pipettes...possibly too much. This is a song about a girl. (BUY stuff)
    
17. THE JOLLY ROGERS- The Party Punch: This was a clever way for me to incorporate a song by Oh No! Oh My! without actually using their name. Unfortunately, I told you my plan, like an evil villain. Damnit! (PRE-ORDER new album)
    
18. THE GO! TEAM- Huddle Formation (Live @ KCRW): I never knew what they were saying in this song and never bothered to look up the ridiculous lyrics. Well, unless the interweb is lying...they changed the lyrics for this version. I don't care what they do. I will "work my booty" if they ask.

No one else can speak the words on your lips,
Joe John

you got skooled: the perfect beat

I found a bunch of ol skool hip-hop tunes on the net, and as I listened to them, I noticed that several aspects of them are borrowed by current artists. This is not news, as sampling is a large part of the hip-hop world, but most people (including me) don't know the history behind these beats. Therefore I decided I would start a new feature on this blog called "you got skooled" which draws bridges between the ol skool and new skool hip-hop. I admit that I am no expert and may start talking about a sample in a song from the 80s or 90s which is actually from some 70s disco song, but try to ignore that!

This week:
LL COOL J f/ JENNIFER LOPEZ- Control Myself

I have to admit that I am not a huge LL Cool J fan, especially when it comes to his recent work. Maybe it was something they put in the water on the set of "In the House" or maybe his lyrics and flow have just always been a little whack. It always seems like LL is lyrically stuck in the 80s or early 90s, yet he tries his best to sound like he fits into the industry today. While I applaud him for sticking to his personality, I don't think it works musically. All this aside, "Control Myself" would make me shake my ass. With production by current top-rate hitmaker Jermaine Dupri (The Emancipation of Mimi, Confessions) it has a chance of climbing the charts. (EDIT: It is number one in the iTunes music store RIGHT NOW) The beat is HOT, but the song isn't really that great without it. Let's see where we've heard that beat before...

Here in 1982, before I was born...
AFRIKA BAMBAATAA- Looking for the Perfect Beat

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life!
Joe John

PS- I think that this song might also be sampled for "Holla at Me" by DJ Khaled feat. Lil’ Wayne, Fat Joe, Paul Wall, Rick Ross and Pitbull...but iTunes isn't selling it so I can't even listen to find out.

back with a vengeance: easter mass remixed

So I went home for Easter...which means that I went to church for Easter. It was not too exciting. Here is how I wish Easter Sunday really went down.

I enter the church to find that the normal priest isn't there....but someone new!

FATHER FLAV!!

• Ryan Seacrest steps to the front of the church and introduces the opening hymn, "Enough is Enough...My Motherfuckin' Redeemer Lives!" performed by Samuel L. Jackson...and, um, Mandisa.
• Father Flav enters with a clock with a cross on it. The congregation cheers and then they know what time it is. Time to sing the "Gloria"
• First Reading done by Lindsay Lohan
  
• Second Reading done by ANTM winner Nicole Linkletter, filmed as a My Life as a Covergirl commercial. Monotone and incorporation of IncrediFULL lipstick included.
• Sequence: A reinterpretation of "Christ the Lord Is Risen Today" entitled "Jesus Christ Rose From the Dead and All I Got Was This Lousy Wafer" performed by Fall Out Boy.
• Hallelujah! (Diplo remix)
• The Gospel
  
• Homily: "Jesus not only LIVES, but he lives INSIDE OF YOU" The priest in church actually said this today. Let's just leave it at that. Think zombies.
  
• Renewal of Baptismal Promises: Call and response incorporating the instrumental from "Senorita" by Justin Timberlake. If you ain't down wit evil let me hear from you! I don't think I'm with Satan, how bout you? Holy water is sprayed on everyone through overhead sprinklers and everyone goes apeshit. We all get water balloons that say "PEACE" on them and throw them at one another while exclaiming, "Peace be with you asshole!" When we all dry off, we remind ourselves that there is no hypocrisy at all within the Catholic church.
  
• Communion: Father Flav takes out a chocolate bunny and states, "This is the body of Christ". He bites the head off. The congregation breaks out a few gallons of Carlo Rossi and some box wine and throws that shit in their MOUTHS.
  
• Communion Hymn: "What's Up with the Supper of the Lord?" performed by Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child.
• Closing hymn: "Jesus Walks"- Kanye West
  
• We play a game called "Finding Jesus" where a man hides in one giant Easter Egg. Twenty-one other sealed Easter eggs may or may not have a man inside. One person chooses an egg and a banker dressed up as Satan does everything they can to make sure that Jesus is not in that egg. The contestant is offered money, sex, drugs, and the opportunity to kill a puppy.

I don't care who you're touchin' in Metuchen,
Joe John

say goodbye to the duck booty walk: antm episode 6

If it was possible to be eliminated for blandness, why didn't we get rid of Nik earlier last season? I guess Leslie is the first victim of the new policy.

I really didn't see it coming that she'd be going, but I guess that's what the boring ones are: silent threats.

As for Brooke's sudden crazy-bitch turn, I have to point out that I totally called it: "I can't think of a single reason that the producers are keeping Brooke on the show, unless they're clairvoyant and can predict some shitstorm she'll start up next episode."

I mean, I guess I can understand being irritated by Nnenna's smugness.

Look at that bitch smirk!

But first of all, Brooke's attempts at finger quotes look more like scary claws

and second, if you're going to call someone a "fucking bitch" on national television

(and have your mouth blurred out)

and then suggest that she should "go back to Africa" (I do not kid), then don't cry to your dad about it immediately after.

Brooke, I agree with you that Nnenna is obnoxious, but at least she can take a photo. LeBrooke, my ass.

In any case, we start the episode with Miss J making her requisite ridiculous apperance, except this time looking about as tore up as James Brown did that time he got arrested in my home county.

Seriously, those armpit-baring shirts are reserved exclusively for rednecks at the gas station in the middle of July. Though I have to say the Stepford Wives jean skirts the models were sporting weren't much better as a fashion choice.

As it turns out it didn't take long for Miss J to be out-fabuloused in this episode, thanks to the appearance of Richard and Ron Harris, "the aswirl twins." Does anyone remember that sketch "Men on Film" from "In Living Color"?
Yeah, that's pretty much what we're looking at here.

These are guys who mix up their verb cases and say things like "heighth." There is nothing not to love. They even give the girls swirly dresses and make them look like, well, morons, while shouting "Swirl!" at them.
What I like best about this screencap is how Furonda is totally, completely off. Show us your ass, girl, that's right.

That night Joanie runs around wearing a laundry basket on her head
and secures her spot as my one true love on this show. Something about me and Joe John and the girls with the bad teeth-- but we'll get into Joanie's teeth later.

Next day they head out to their challenge and-- what?!?!
Who let Jesus in? Without asking questions Jade, the diligent Catholic that she is, douses herself with some holy water
Hasn't she ever been to the Vatican? Doesn't she know you're not supposed to wear tank tops in the house of the Lord?

It turns out they're there for what's billed as a traditional church fashion show, a staple of the black community. I guess I'll go for that, but why did you fill the audience with white people?
Furthermore, why did you dress them all like crazy Italian widows?

I guess we can thank them for giving us a shot that fully sums Jade up: the wicked queen.

Jade wins a $25,000 diamond ring, which even I will admit is class, and then the girls move on the next day to do a photoshoot for... Payless?!? First Sears, now Payless? I love Payless as much as the next cheap college girl, but seriously. Tommy the Clown and his fellow krumpers show up to make everyone look awkward as they dance their hearts out, and the girls dress like the prostitutes from "Hustle and Flow" and do their best to shake their thangs. You can imagine how well that went.

Jade
Jade looked like a fucking maniac throughout this entire shoot, although I guess that's what this whole "krumping" business is about. Her dancing in the makeup room, however, was even better:
Girl, leave that wooden floor alone with your ridiculous dance moves.
Brooke
I guess I have to agree with the judges who loved this shot, but Brooke still gets on my damn nerves. Crying before each shoot? Puh-leeze. If she actually physically fights Nnenna, though, I might switch over to her hide.

Joanie
I think Joanie looks a little like a blow-up doll in this shot, but I can't knock anything that supports my girl. I love Jay Manuel's impression of the face she's making, only because of how wildly inaccurate it is:
Jay, you're no Tyra when it comes to impressions.

Furonda
Yeah, OK. Furonda didn't get much screen time this episode, except for Jay Manuel telling her not to "shame her black sisters" by not being able to dance. Way to be offensive about race a little, more Mr. Jay. Thanks a lot.

Danielle
Same as above. If they don't give this girl much to do she might get the Boring Kiss of Death.

Nnenna
This photo fucking pisses me off. The judges all loved it, but she's grinning like an idiot, and you can't even see the fucking shoes. I guess Brooke really is rubbing off on me-- Nnenna's starting to seriously get on my nerves.

Sara
This episode was all about Sara being "too tall," which reminds me of that episode where Bre was "too short," meaning it came out of nowhere. Her height did lend itself to some really awkward grinding with the clown, though
That just looks painful.


Leslie-- out
Poor Leslie. While it does look like she's doing bicep curls here, she didn't quite deserve her fate.

And unrelated to a single model but hilarious nonetheless: Mr. Jay and some random white guy dancing while sitting:

At the judging Tyra puts the girls through this bizarre spinning challenge that was too boring to watch and definitely too boring to bother recapping. Twiggy proved she's whiter than anyone in the world by not knowing what krumping is, and Tyra proved she's dumber than anyone in the world by showing us her version:

Ow. My eyes.

Next week: holy shit, Joanie gets dental work!

I'm having sympathy pains already.

I'ma pass my flow to Jo Jo,
Katey