29 December 2006

she's slipping under

This can't bode well for Brit-brit. While many fans are eagerly naively awaiting her comeback, some of her fans are jumping ship. Today Ruben Gray, the keeper of one of the most popular Brit fansites on the web WorldOfBritney.com, announced that he's calling it quits.
The beginning of the end

Gray explains, "I think that WoB has had its run... its feet are not holding firm anymore, not because of my ability to run it, but because I believe Britney is unfortunately done." Way harsh, Gray. I hope Miss Spears didn't waste a Christmas card on your ass.

She's toxic,

totes artist of the week: yo majesty

This begins a series of weekly posts that I will hopefully manage to keep up with. If you haven't heard of them yet, I introduce you to Yo Majesty-- three female rappers from Tampa bringing new life to the Miami bass sound popularized by 2 Live Crew in the late 1980s. (read more)DOWNLOADS
Club Action
It's a Warning
Club Action (techno mash-up)

The latter track is a Moneyshot/Totes exclusive, courtesy of David Alexander of hardfeelingsuk/freeform disco 1. I created this series to bring you tunes with optional word vomit. My intention is not to post obscure, elitist songs, but to introduce you to some fun tunes available as legal downloads on the internetzzz. I hope you enjoy.

Coirvoisier where art thou?,
Joe John

28 December 2006

remake alert!

Wow. I can't wait for this one. It'll be the biggest hit since The Dukes of Hazard! The Hollywood Reporter reports (ha) that Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson are set to begin work on a remake of Working Girl, originally starring Harrison Ford and Sigourney Weaver.
Totally 80s!

Hmm....I wonder who would produce such a sure hit. What's that you say? Joe Simpson is a producer? That's unbelievable. That's cute that he and his dumb-slut daughter will be working together. Father-daughter time is always such a treat. Obviously, I'll be first in line to see this one. And I can't wait to start 2008 Oscar Buzz.

Working for the weekend,

27 December 2006

stop the crocs

I don't think that there's any fashion choice I hate more than a pair of Crocs.
Just fug

Actually, I take that back. The biggest fashion faux-pas is sticking little jewels in your Crocs. You know you've seen them: little flowers, ladybugs, and smiley faces sticking out of Croc-holes.
This makes me die inside

Well, I just thought that I'd inform you that the Crocs company bought Jibbitz, the company that makes those horrible Croc jewels, for $10 million. Yup, $10 million. Oh, and if Jibbitz makes their sales forecast for the year? They'll get $10 million more. This is a sick world we live in, y'all.

Rockin' out with my croc out,

harry potter flick pix

Welcome back to the interweb, me! Thanks.
Ok, Harry Potter fans, here are some great hi-res pics from the upcoming movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Yah, this is the one where Harry's a little bitch.
My how you've grown

The site's in Russian (question mark), so I have no idea what anything says, but I'm pretty sure it's talking about this film may not be suitable for children under 13. Watch out, Focus on the Family!

You're a hairy wizard,

26 December 2006

i h8 comcast

My internet has been out for three days. This is totes un-comcastic. Now I have to blog from work.

I'll be back as soon as this silly technician figures out that they put an indoor cable outside of our house.


24 December 2006

let [god] entertain you

Slow entertainment news day or does Google really, really like Christmas pagents?

Not that sitting in a hard pew and staring at the back of the-dude-in-front-of-me's head isn't enthralling and all, but...

God bless ye,

that's sir bono to you. well, not really.

In case you didn't catch this, Bono is going to be knighted! Well, kinda. Since he's not an Englishman, he'll only become and honorary sir.
Transition via pix!

Obviously, this is a step down after being last year's Time Man of the Year, but whatever. I'm sure he'll show up to the knighting and crap, because he's classy like that. It'll take place sometime after the New Year, and I bet there'll be cheese cubes and cocktail hot dogs for all! He's getting the honor for his music and humanitarian work (e.g. red iPod).

In case you're interested, here's a list of honorary knights. Highlights? Bill Gates, Placido Domingo, Rudolf Giuliani, Steven Spielberg and Simon Wiesenthal.

I wonder if he'll get honorary armor to go with his title,

oprah finally settles down?

Here's some news to warm you this Christmas Eve: Stedman is moving in with Oprah! It's about time considering they've been dating for...oh....20 effing years! By the time they get married, this man will be out of jail.
I know what you're thinking: tossing salads.

The two will most likely move into the $6 million home that Oprah just bought in Chi-town. But all I can think is POOR GAYLE! Oprah's long time bestie and sleep-over pal will be kicked to the curb because of Steds. I'm sure her nights will be much colder from now own. At least $6 million usually gets you a guest room or two. Hopefully slumber parties will be in order. You know, for old time's sake.

We can take it slow, slow,

i'm bringing lindsay back

Now that Justin has brought Totes back like that other Justin brought sexy back, it's time for me to briefly hop in with the feel-good anthem of the winter season.  Justin suggested that I revamp my seasonal playlists, but for lack of time and lack of computer with any good music...this will have to do.  Just put this song on repeat.  Call it a playlist.  Genius!
Daughters to father
Remember when Lindsay used to be small and innocent?  I know it's tough, but think pre-boobage.  Back when she was "being a star" alongside Tyra Banks in 2000's entirely underrated Life-Size.  Basically, when Disney still OWNED her ass.  Well, those days are gone.

But you already knew that.  Long ago, Totes brought you a song called "Big Ass Titties" by Jhae f/ Bumba.  In the history of Lindsay**, this marks the beginning of the so-called Hohan Period (ca. 2005-present), marked by bed-hopping tabloid reports, drug-use accusations, fluctuating weight, and last but not least...partying minus the panties.  

I am late in posting this song, as it is old news to the greater blog world...but for those of you who haven't heard this...well, I think it speaks for itself.

DOWNLOAD:  SPANK ROCK / PASE ROCK- Lindsay Lohan's Revenge

Word from the artist is that Lindsay has heard this song:  "we leaked the song last week on these internets to kind of kick off the tour, and most people know the song or have heard about it... sooo the fact that she was at this party was icing on the cake perfect."

Don't say I didn't give you anything for Christmas.  If time permits, I will bring in 2007 with a playlist.

Stains on your dress and you wear it so well,
Joe John

** Pray that this will be offered as a college course some day.  Pray.

you're a jew, harry

Ok, I promise this will be my last Jew-related post for a while, but ironically today was the day I came across an interview where Daniel Radcliffe, star of the Harry Potter movies (duh!), comes out as a Jew. Although he he claims that he's not very religious, his mother is Jewish!

And I thought he was supposed to be a Christ figure! Wait! Jesus was a Jew. Phewph.

So much for Christmas at Hogwarts,

23 December 2006

while we open gifts, jews party!

Last night was the last night of Chanukah (right?), so now it's officially Christmastime! I'm going to continue my Jewish Christmas series by posting last year's SNL animated short: "Christmastime for the Jews"

I'm still amazed at how well done this is, so I won't be snarky.

10:30 bedtime,

christmas for the jews

Jews, we Christmas-celebrators know that December 25th is a rough day for you. Everything's closed, most of America spends the day opening presents (you don't), and the highlight is a pint of egg drop soup and a matinée. Well, children of YHWH, now there's something for you! American Apparel has a special offer just for G-d's chosen people. Take this quiz to prove that you're a Jew, and you'll receive a coupon for 25% off online purchases of $75 or more through December 26th!

So get your Jew on! Next Saturday I want to see everyone in the synagogue rockin' gold metallic hot shorts. Don't disappoint!

Nes gadol haya sham,

21 December 2006

the beginning of the end

OMG! OMG!!!!!!!! J.K. Rowling released the title of the 7th book today...of course, it wasn't without some hard work on my part (jk. [rowling]! I cheated.)
Watch where you're pointing that thing!

Anyway, she released the title via a hidden game of Hangman on her site, JKRowling.com. You can find instructions on how to cheat your way through to the game here (scroll to the bottom of the article).

Or I could just tell you what the title is. Okay, I will! ::giggle:: It'll be called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The last word in the title, not to be confused with "gallows" means "n. a saint or holy person" (dictionary widget, what, what!). What will this book be about? When will this book come out? We'll just have to wait and see...or kidnap Rowling! Who's with me?! Kfine.

I'm spending my Christmas playing Wizard Chess,

searching the world over

What have you googled this year? Take a moment to think. Now check out the Google Zeitgeist (x-lation: "spirit of the times") Top Searches in 2006. Click on the different tabs to see searches in different categories. And graphs!

Of course, after reading these lists you may feel a little sad. What kind of world do we live in when these are the top four Google News searches?
  1. Paris Hilton
  2. Orlando Bloom
  3. cancer (ok, I'll give you this one, world searchers)
  4. Podcasting
Oh, and have you ever googled "Google"? So meta.

Searchin' to destroy,

20 December 2006

a very sufjan christmas

Tired of Christmas already? Well, so is Sufjan! And now you can commiserate together, because Sufjan's That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!, a track from his holiday box set, is available as the free download this week on iTunes.

Yah, that's right: SINGALONG

If you even remotely like Christmas music and remotely like Sufjan, buy his Songs for Christmas box set. It's amazing. You won't be sorry. Not even a little.

Boogeying to the elf dance,

19 December 2006

america's next top seventeen cover

I'm still on the fence about this past season of ANTM, but whether or not Tyra's craziness has finally ruined the show, CariDee is pretty goshdarn hott. Check out here Seventeen Mag cover:


Click here for a hi-res version. What did you think of the season? Was I the only one who lost interest half way through?

Can't wait to read how to get my ex back,

half-priced haircut?

I'm going to continue my theme of celeb hair cuts:
Oh, Selma

This is simply tragic. I really don't know what else to say. I'm going to give Miss Blair the benefit of the doubt and assume that her hair dresser has cerebral palsy. Maybe it was 1/2 price?

Why should I care if I have to cut my hair,

18 December 2006

sing with justin

Think you've got the voice of an angel? Do you dream of kicking Cammy to the curb and grabbing yourself a big handful of Justin? Like the Grammys?

Well, here's your chance to sing at the Grammys. With Justin Timerlake. On TV!!!!!!! Yahoo Music is sponsoring the contest.

Sing with me!

Oh, and the best part? THE SUBMISSION ARE POSTED ONLINE! For everyone (even you!) to see. Yup, it's like the American Idol casting specials....but it's not. Click here to view the submissions or to submit your own (donchuwanna?)

If I wrote you a symphony,

got his hair did

Thanks to avid reader Janie for alerting me to this. Guess who obviously just got back from Japan:
From Justin to whaaa?

Maybe he and his newly straightened locks with have a comeback? From Justin to Kelly II: Have You Lost Weight? No, I Ditched the Fro: Straight to DVD Spring 2007.

I'm gonna wish upon a star,

hollywood slump

Remember "Brokeback to the Future"? This morning, Giant Magazine released it's list of the 10 Best Fake Movie Trailers of the Year. My favorites:

Number 3: "Ten Things I Hate About Commandments"

I always thought the Bible could use a little more Beyoncé.

Number 2: "Shining"

Proof that sometimes trailers have little to do with the actual movie.

See the complete list here.

I'll butter your popcorn,

an open letter to nbc

I'm going to complete my trilogy of NBC-related posts by re-posting an open letter I wrote to the network a week and a half ago:


I love you. You are my favorite network. Nobody does comedy like you do, and your Monday night is where it's at. You may be number three (unfortch trailed by the joke of a network The CW), but that's okay: I have a thing for the underdog! And you're moving on up! The only network to see substantial increases in viewership this season, you just beat out ABC for the 11th week ratings. You've also got the whole "country's oldest network" thing going for you.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH "IDENTITY"?!?!?!?!?! Bitchmothafuckagotdamn. I was almost okay with "Deal or No Deal". Granted, I closed my eyes and ears whenever the camera panned to the shaved Howie Mandel, but the metal briefcases are so rad! You hit it on the head with that one. I mean, who doesn't like a hott metal briefcase?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

But now you're trading Howie for the even more suicide-inducing Penn Jillette, hoping you'll pick up on the previously untapped 50%-mute-"comedy"-magic-team-appreciating demographic? And you're replacing the rad briefcases with people and the cashmoney with quirky personal factoids? You insult my intelligence, NBC. This is the mentally-challenged, poor-man's "Deal" from Planet Weird. It's the same goddamn show! But worse. Heinously worse. Yes, I'm sure people will watch and–dare I say–enjoy "Identity", but that doesn't make it right. Bring back "Candid Camera" if you must. That was some funny shizz.

In sum: pleasepleaseplease stop being cheap and trying to meet your budget cuts via shitty game shows. You're hurting America. You're hurting me. You're helping Penn Jillette. And that ain't right.


you're person of the year. now be a star!

Shizz. I've eaten so much this week, and I haven't been to the gym once! Well, thanks to NBC and reality TV all is not lost! I can still be a star!


The Biggest Loser is back! Do you have what it takes to be the next Biggest Loser? We are now casting season four. If you are finally ready to shed the pounds once and for all with expert trainers and nutritionists, then you should apply!

How to Apply:
Step 1: MAKE A VIDEOTAPE (only VHS, DVD or mini DV will be accepted)
Step 2: MAIL THE TAPE TO US ASAP (please include a picture if possible).

What to include in your FIVE MINUTE videotape.
Show us why you should be on The Biggest Loser. Make your video as personal as possible. Start with your name and hometown. (For example, you can take us on a tour of your typical day.) Show us, don't just tell us, why you need to lose the weight. Finally, let us know why you are a great candidate for the show. Remember, we want to see your personality. Have fun and good luck!

Send your tape along with a completed application to:

PO BOX 578
Manhattan Beach, CA 90267-0578

So don't worry about getting fat this holiday season. It'll only help you on your way to reality TV fame.

Download the application. Yup, there's an app. No you can't apply ED. Thanks, Harvard.

Mmm transfats,

17 December 2006

it's my **** in a box!

Did you catch Justin Timberlake on SNL last night? He hosted and performed! What a two-for. What a bargain. Oh, and if you're wondering, his lover Cammy-poo introduced his first song. So many starz!

Ok, so the best sketch? Obviously "Hip Hop Kids:"

I'll probably name my first born Jo-Jessica. Boy or girl.

And in case you missed it here's my current obsession. Andy, Justin, Mya, and dicks-in-boxes? How can you go wrong? (Kinda NSFW)

Now you know what's #1 on my Festivus list,

when everyone wins no one does

Really, Time? REALLY? You couldn't come up with anyone better? Not that I'm not flattered and all. But for serious? Ugh. Thanks for the tip-off, David.

You're really nothing special,

PS: I'm still working the kinks out of this shizz. Transferring over to Blogger Beta: not painless. Expect more regular posting in a few days.

16 December 2006

totes a hello

I'm sitting in Middletown's very own Javapalooza, reading MLK jr.'s "Letter from Birmingham City Jail," and I think it's time for an "Emancipation of Mimi"-style comeback. Don't you?

Stay tuned.