03 May 2006

not america's top best friend: top model recap digest

OK, OK, I know I've been slacking off on my recap duties. I could come up with excuses, but that would be boring, and I've probably talked to most people reading this in the two weeks I haven't been recapping, so you already know my excuses. Anyway.

So two weeks ago we lost Brooke, and last week we lost Nnenna, which means that the Top Model producers are finally listening and hanging on to my favorites. At this point there's basically no one left who I would hate to win, although the whole Furonda things is definitely growing stale for me.

I'm not putting up any screencaps for the Brooke elimination episode, mostly because I can't deal with revisiting that dentist's office where Joanie got her mega-teeth yanked, but can we talk about how much there was to love about this most recent episode? Like how George Wayne is a huge dick but got Furonda to say "I've never been to Sheba" and Jade to say "I'm an exotic biracial butterfly." I mean, I guess it's not hard to get those girls to sound dumb, but the more the better, really.

And how about bringing up even more uncomfortable race issuses? I'm sorry, but this is not what a gazelle looks like
That is what we call a big-mouthed girl from Texas.

So Nnenna wins the challenge (vomit), and look how happy all the other girls are for her
Then Danielle starts talking about her gap-teeth drama, because it just wouldn't be a Top Model episode if someone didn't have major dental work. We get a sepia-toned reminder of just how cruel Tyra can be sometimes (Mean Girls style, really)
And Danielle uses the word "sucka" for the first but definitely not the last time of the episode
Gotta love her.

We go back to the dentist's office, but I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen. Then we move on to the drag queen version of Tyra... oh wait, I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen either. The important part:
Danielle's reaction? "Forget the gap, I'm going to Thailand, sucka." Of course.

This is how Top Model represents air travel (you have to imagine the photos bouncing up and down, but trust me it happened)

When they get there they're picked up by a giant pink bus that I'm pretty sure came as part of the Barbie dream home, and get dropped off in a hotel room that is, admittedly, gorgeous. Jade takes the occasion to start talking like a drag queen again:

"Oh my goodness, what a spectacular hotel. It is fit for a king, but we are queens, and it suits me to a T."

Basically you could insert Jade's "Wonderful, fabulous" Cover Girl commercial over this and get essentially the same thing.

This section of the episode kind of starts to feel like a Goofus and Gallant cartoon with weird racial overtones that only ANTM could get away with not addressing. Observe:
Joanie and Sara try to learn a new language.

Furonda doesn't even know what a baht is worth.

Joanie tries to be respectful of other cultures and works hard.

Furonda and Danielle slack off on the job.

Ouch. Did no one who works on this show see "Crash."

The photo shoot involves hanging the girls over a water market and dressing them as mermaids, which results in ridiculous makeup, Banana Boat product placement, and lots and lots of bitching. At least Danielle gets in a line about her uterus being "flat as a pancake," which makes it all worth it to me. And Mr. Jay goes all Memoirs of a Geisha on us:

When it comes down to the elimination (I'm not bothering to post their photos, because you know what what look like by now), it's pretty clear that they decided to eliminate Nnenna and arbitrarily chose Furonda to be in the bottom 2. Calling her out for wearing the wrong kind of dress to elimination? Bitch, please. Although Brooke did get eliminated in a dress, so maybe Tyra's on to something.

Phew. Now that I've clogged your brains with information you already knew, let's move on to tonight's episode, where Joanie will finally show some claws and either Furonda or Sara is guaranteed to get sent home. Though if Jade finally bit it, I couldn't contain my excitement, really.

Uterus as flat as a pancake,

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