05 May 2006

fierce, fabulous, farewell: antm

Just when we all thought you couldn't kill a praying mantis in a disco dress... Furonda gets the boot. The girl was too skinny to be a live, with long fingers suitable only for poking eyes out, so I don't think any of us can believe she's any great loss. Can we take a moment to memorialize the tiara, though?

My two favorite characters of this entire cycle turned up this episode. First, can we name which former Wesleyan DJ has become a Thai dance instructor?
It's the Thai Max Goldblatt!

And how about the little boy who works with Thai Max Goldblatt (TMG) by breaking Furonda's fingers?
OK, the kid might be 22, but he looks tiny and gay and adorable from here.

The thing I find most hilarious/awful about the whole dance lesson sequence is how they kept cutting between Danielle lying half-dead in the hospital and the other girls catfighting/dancing like idiots. Like, we get this
and then Jade and Joanie bitching at each other!
(with Furonda's imitation of them added for good measure)

Then Danielle hooked up for dear life in the hospital
and Jade doing her horrific "dancing" again.

Turns out Danielle was not in fact dying, just suffering from "dehydration, exhaustion, and a little bit of food poisoning." Last I checked that's what starlets always had when they were recovering from cocaine binges, but whatevs. Still, she missed the Thai dancing challenge, which in the end might have been a good thing.
(It's worth noting, however, that even though Furonda apparently started to hula, the Thai audience friggin' loved her)

It's also worth noting that Joanie won the challenge (suck it, Jade!) and as a reward was given a Thai head thing that, like anything culturally complex on this show, was not remotely well-explained other than being "exotic."

The next day they arrive for their photo shoot and... well... there are no words:
Yes, that is Toothpaste Head... on an elephant. Danielle is there even though she's still feeling puny, and she sticks through it even though I can think of few places I'd less rather be while ill than riding an elephant through a swamp.
Ohhhhh the pain.

They're doing a shoot for the Venus Vibrance razor (most pointless vibrator/razor yet), so of course they demean the girls and make them shave their legs in the middle of the jungle. Joanie actually proclaims "They're smooth." Good girl.
Quick! Count all the awkward things about this photo!

The most interesting things about this shoot are that Mr. Jay tells Joanie "you've got some magic with that elephant" (gross)

And Sara lurks in the background through most of the shoots like some child out of a M. Night Shyamalan movie (grosser!)

Sara, it turns out, has no magic with the elephant, or magic with control of her limbs for that matter. Awkwardness, as always, ensues.

The judging! Tyra gives, as usual, an absurd and vague challenge involved Thai dancing and masks and... whatever. What's important is how Sara and Joanie's masks look creepily like them.

And how Danielle stalks toward Miss Jay, which results in a mask-like face for him too.

Now everyone gets to share in the overacting!

And now... at last... the evaluations.

Everyone said Jade looked too stiff in the photos, which sounds like one of those "no more disco dresses" excuses they use just to have a reason to put someone in the bottom 2. Still, Jade still annoys the shit out of me, so whatever criticism they give her is fine by me. As the person in the top 4 who's been on the chopping block many times by now, I guess she's now the "fourth baddest bitch in America." God help us.

Danielle of course told them she had been sick, and Twiggy tells her "I think woozy suits your face, you look gorgeous." Tyra then confesses that-- shocker!-- she has an unnamed "stomach condition" and she just has to "model through it." I guess it's the fashion equivalent of walking it off.

I'm showing both the close-up and full-size versions of this photo because I love it so. Magic with the elephant, indeed. The panel universally loved the photo, and in order to have something to say told Joanie to bring the personality to the panel. Have they seen Sara's lack of emotional expression? Seriously?
I've never had any ill will toward Sara, but she's starting to fill the "Kim Stolz why are you still on this show?" role for me. I totally expected her to be in the bottom 2 but they kept her in for some bizarre reason. I totally call her for next though, if only because Tyra was so proud of her "vanilla, caramel, chocolate" line-up in the top three last season, and Jade, Danielle and Joanie will fill that nicely.

Furonda-- out
Awww. Except for those crazy fingers she never had much wrong with her. They mainly nailed Furonda for being "all over the place" in person, which I guess after her hula-Thai dance is fair. Man, did you see how thrilled Joanie and Sara were that Jade was staying?

And can we give Furonda credit for both doing a runway walk on her way out
and leaving us with this final quote?

“How could they send the fabuous Furonda home! The judges must have lost their head.”

Holler back.

Elephants are part of the dinosaur family,


Joe John said...


Those ALL start with F by the way...just in case you don't have ears or a second grade education.

Anonymous said...

Sara's photo was actually good this week!

Max said...

This is TMG here, saying, yo that bitch stole my spexx. Now I have new glasses.