19 May 2006

go to this if you are cool...

Jess Lane and Jon Golbe of Teen Homicide have teamed up once more for a new pilot!!! Here are the words from Jess herself.

"Aawwwwwwwwww man!

Me and Jon made a new Channel 102 pilot. And they liked it. It's going to be at the screening. It's very exciting.

We spent a whole lot of time on it. Probably the majority of last month was spent writing, planning, filming, and editing this show. I think it looks really good. And hopefully it will be funny.

It'll be shown at the screening Monday night at Anthology Film Archives in NYC. The screening is at 8:30 and costs $5.

The screenings are pretty important, because the audience votes for the shows that get to make more episodes. They are at a really nice movie theater and its very fun and premiere-esque. More friends = more fun. If everyone in the world went, it would make me incredibly happy.

Directions to Anthology are here:

And if you are at Wes, we are organizing a carpool! So call or email me about that, and we will all drive together."

Apologies for not updating in the past forever and a day. In the midst of finals, there has been comtemplation of the extinction of totesumbrellas. A final verdict has not yet been reached.

On a final note, go see Akeelah and the Bee while you still can, do NOT see Just My Luck. I repeat, DO NOT see Just My Luck.

Kick his B-U-T-T,
Joe John

06 May 2006

america's next top gossip: lisa d'amato tells all...again

I haven't been keeping up with Lisa recently...but it looks like she's been doing a lot of shit-talking in her MySpace fan club recently. Here are some highlights...
  • "someone asked a while back: Who else made out in the limo besides Kim and Sara.....It was Jayla and Cassandra....I think. It was a big mess of everyone, but I'm pretty sure."
  • "Fuck Tyra, Fuck her show, Fuck her whole I'm a helpful hand bullshit! She's an ego maniac. She only cares about her self. If she could be all 13 contestants on Top Model, she would be. If she could interview herself on her talk show all day, she would. If I'm wrong, prove it to me! Just for saying all this I could just disappear. Tyra could make that happen. If you'll don't hear from me, she had the secret service get on my ass and I'm probably chopped into a million pieces."
  • "on our down time, I basically listened to Everyone bitch and complain and be at one anothers throats. I was soooo fucking bored I tried to amuse myself! Masturbate, put on my weird costumes and fake teeth. Tried to entertain them aswell. They would laugh, but talk shit about me. Fuck it though, I'm over it. but, Diane is awesome, Ebony(funny as hell), and Kim is fun to be around, but ......a huge shit talker, you never know if she is a friend or not. Just keep her at arms length you can't confine in her(back stabber)"
  • "because of contracts, I'm not allowed to say if we stayed around or not, but...... We did."
  • "I love those wild guys, they are awesome. But, Steve-o had a crush on Nicole, which I didn't get. And, Nicole had a boyfriend for like 3 years and always said how much she loved him. But, she gave Steve-o her ... If ya'll think that's cool, that's fine, but, I'm all about being faithful. Your heart is the most delicate thing in the world if you ask me."
  • "I don't know about Janice and Tyra... I know that Janice thinks the show is bull-shit. She told me that. I don't know if that is the reason why she left. But, I know that that is the reason why she prefers to do just cameos."
Read everything here.

On another note, this reminded me...Diane has been doing some modeling recently and she's looking good!

I think I said too much,
Joe John

kidz w/ mad skillz

Kids rapping are so cute that you can't even handle it.
So are rapping robots that tell kids to recycle...But that's not the point!

Kids rapping can be the cutest thing ever...or it can be disasterous (see Aaron Carter). Rappers Delight Club is the best thing to happen to me since the Reggaeton Ninos. This is probably the best thing that Said the Gramophone has ever done for me.


Contrary to his image, the man above does not touch little children...he organizes their vocals onto hip-hop songs that sample everything from Sufjan to Elmo's theme. By day he is an elementary school teacher...by night he is mixing hot rhymes like these:
  • "(She's a Jewish rapper) Come check out me! (At the synagogue) is where I be"
  • "My name is Keandra. I'm the rap King Kong. I'm the only boy on this whole entire song. That's ok, your raps are lame. You can't even spell your own name."
  • "Gonna step all over you like you did too....and when I do you'll feel bruised. No one ever watches you like Blues Clues. You lose!"
  • "I sold more cookies than your whole girl scout troop."
  • "Razzle dazzle, gonna make you spazzle. I'm not the slave serving people in a castle. Quit the hassle cause I'm the leader. Put another MC in front of me and I'll beat her."
  • "I make bad MCs RUN. When I catch them, I eat them with a hamburger BUN."

I'm in charge of everything like Oprah Winfrey,
Joe John

may mixtape reject: new song by coach said not to

The May mixtape is in the works! I promise. There are currently a few thematic issues...which led to a few songs getting considered for a second and canned within the next minute. Here is the first of many...

d/l: COACH SAID NOT TO- Unlikely Architect

Remember how Heidi from Project Runway really liked pretty things? Well, I have no particular reason for wanting to include this on the new mixtape...except it's really pretty. I tried to bullshit some excuse for it's inclusion, which mostly involved incorporating the fact that I'm taking an architecture course. Then I realized that academics are lame. In any case, I can not resist the vocals on the closing lines of the song--- "Inchworm, inchworm measuring the marigolds. You and your arithmetic will probably go far..."

Check out some more tunes by Coach Said Not To on the space or their website.

Behind my back they call me Mark spelt with a "k",
Joe John

05 May 2006

fierce, fabulous, farewell: antm

Just when we all thought you couldn't kill a praying mantis in a disco dress... Furonda gets the boot. The girl was too skinny to be a live, with long fingers suitable only for poking eyes out, so I don't think any of us can believe she's any great loss. Can we take a moment to memorialize the tiara, though?

My two favorite characters of this entire cycle turned up this episode. First, can we name which former Wesleyan DJ has become a Thai dance instructor?
It's the Thai Max Goldblatt!

And how about the little boy who works with Thai Max Goldblatt (TMG) by breaking Furonda's fingers?
OK, the kid might be 22, but he looks tiny and gay and adorable from here.

The thing I find most hilarious/awful about the whole dance lesson sequence is how they kept cutting between Danielle lying half-dead in the hospital and the other girls catfighting/dancing like idiots. Like, we get this
and then Jade and Joanie bitching at each other!
(with Furonda's imitation of them added for good measure)

Then Danielle hooked up for dear life in the hospital
and Jade doing her horrific "dancing" again.

Turns out Danielle was not in fact dying, just suffering from "dehydration, exhaustion, and a little bit of food poisoning." Last I checked that's what starlets always had when they were recovering from cocaine binges, but whatevs. Still, she missed the Thai dancing challenge, which in the end might have been a good thing.
(It's worth noting, however, that even though Furonda apparently started to hula, the Thai audience friggin' loved her)

It's also worth noting that Joanie won the challenge (suck it, Jade!) and as a reward was given a Thai head thing that, like anything culturally complex on this show, was not remotely well-explained other than being "exotic."

The next day they arrive for their photo shoot and... well... there are no words:
Yes, that is Toothpaste Head... on an elephant. Danielle is there even though she's still feeling puny, and she sticks through it even though I can think of few places I'd less rather be while ill than riding an elephant through a swamp.
Ohhhhh the pain.

They're doing a shoot for the Venus Vibrance razor (most pointless vibrator/razor yet), so of course they demean the girls and make them shave their legs in the middle of the jungle. Joanie actually proclaims "They're smooth." Good girl.
Quick! Count all the awkward things about this photo!

The most interesting things about this shoot are that Mr. Jay tells Joanie "you've got some magic with that elephant" (gross)

And Sara lurks in the background through most of the shoots like some child out of a M. Night Shyamalan movie (grosser!)

Sara, it turns out, has no magic with the elephant, or magic with control of her limbs for that matter. Awkwardness, as always, ensues.

The judging! Tyra gives, as usual, an absurd and vague challenge involved Thai dancing and masks and... whatever. What's important is how Sara and Joanie's masks look creepily like them.

And how Danielle stalks toward Miss Jay, which results in a mask-like face for him too.

Now everyone gets to share in the overacting!

And now... at last... the evaluations.

Everyone said Jade looked too stiff in the photos, which sounds like one of those "no more disco dresses" excuses they use just to have a reason to put someone in the bottom 2. Still, Jade still annoys the shit out of me, so whatever criticism they give her is fine by me. As the person in the top 4 who's been on the chopping block many times by now, I guess she's now the "fourth baddest bitch in America." God help us.

Danielle of course told them she had been sick, and Twiggy tells her "I think woozy suits your face, you look gorgeous." Tyra then confesses that-- shocker!-- she has an unnamed "stomach condition" and she just has to "model through it." I guess it's the fashion equivalent of walking it off.

I'm showing both the close-up and full-size versions of this photo because I love it so. Magic with the elephant, indeed. The panel universally loved the photo, and in order to have something to say told Joanie to bring the personality to the panel. Have they seen Sara's lack of emotional expression? Seriously?
I've never had any ill will toward Sara, but she's starting to fill the "Kim Stolz why are you still on this show?" role for me. I totally expected her to be in the bottom 2 but they kept her in for some bizarre reason. I totally call her for next though, if only because Tyra was so proud of her "vanilla, caramel, chocolate" line-up in the top three last season, and Jade, Danielle and Joanie will fill that nicely.

Furonda-- out
Awww. Except for those crazy fingers she never had much wrong with her. They mainly nailed Furonda for being "all over the place" in person, which I guess after her hula-Thai dance is fair. Man, did you see how thrilled Joanie and Sara were that Jade was staying?

And can we give Furonda credit for both doing a runway walk on her way out
and leaving us with this final quote?

“How could they send the fabuous Furonda home! The judges must have lost their head.”

Holler back.

Elephants are part of the dinosaur family,

03 May 2006

jenny lewis b-sides attack!

Jenny Lewis is much more legal and hotter nowadays.

(BUY Rabbit Fur Coat)

We get that on channel 18 now,
Joe John

not america's top best friend: top model recap digest

OK, OK, I know I've been slacking off on my recap duties. I could come up with excuses, but that would be boring, and I've probably talked to most people reading this in the two weeks I haven't been recapping, so you already know my excuses. Anyway.

So two weeks ago we lost Brooke, and last week we lost Nnenna, which means that the Top Model producers are finally listening and hanging on to my favorites. At this point there's basically no one left who I would hate to win, although the whole Furonda things is definitely growing stale for me.

I'm not putting up any screencaps for the Brooke elimination episode, mostly because I can't deal with revisiting that dentist's office where Joanie got her mega-teeth yanked, but can we talk about how much there was to love about this most recent episode? Like how George Wayne is a huge dick but got Furonda to say "I've never been to Sheba" and Jade to say "I'm an exotic biracial butterfly." I mean, I guess it's not hard to get those girls to sound dumb, but the more the better, really.

And how about bringing up even more uncomfortable race issuses? I'm sorry, but this is not what a gazelle looks like
That is what we call a big-mouthed girl from Texas.

So Nnenna wins the challenge (vomit), and look how happy all the other girls are for her
Then Danielle starts talking about her gap-teeth drama, because it just wouldn't be a Top Model episode if someone didn't have major dental work. We get a sepia-toned reminder of just how cruel Tyra can be sometimes (Mean Girls style, really)
And Danielle uses the word "sucka" for the first but definitely not the last time of the episode
Gotta love her.

We go back to the dentist's office, but I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen. Then we move on to the drag queen version of Tyra... oh wait, I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen either. The important part:
Danielle's reaction? "Forget the gap, I'm going to Thailand, sucka." Of course.

This is how Top Model represents air travel (you have to imagine the photos bouncing up and down, but trust me it happened)

When they get there they're picked up by a giant pink bus that I'm pretty sure came as part of the Barbie dream home, and get dropped off in a hotel room that is, admittedly, gorgeous. Jade takes the occasion to start talking like a drag queen again:

"Oh my goodness, what a spectacular hotel. It is fit for a king, but we are queens, and it suits me to a T."

Basically you could insert Jade's "Wonderful, fabulous" Cover Girl commercial over this and get essentially the same thing.

This section of the episode kind of starts to feel like a Goofus and Gallant cartoon with weird racial overtones that only ANTM could get away with not addressing. Observe:
Joanie and Sara try to learn a new language.

Furonda doesn't even know what a baht is worth.

Joanie tries to be respectful of other cultures and works hard.

Furonda and Danielle slack off on the job.

Ouch. Did no one who works on this show see "Crash."

The photo shoot involves hanging the girls over a water market and dressing them as mermaids, which results in ridiculous makeup, Banana Boat product placement, and lots and lots of bitching. At least Danielle gets in a line about her uterus being "flat as a pancake," which makes it all worth it to me. And Mr. Jay goes all Memoirs of a Geisha on us:

When it comes down to the elimination (I'm not bothering to post their photos, because you know what what look like by now), it's pretty clear that they decided to eliminate Nnenna and arbitrarily chose Furonda to be in the bottom 2. Calling her out for wearing the wrong kind of dress to elimination? Bitch, please. Although Brooke did get eliminated in a dress, so maybe Tyra's on to something.

Phew. Now that I've clogged your brains with information you already knew, let's move on to tonight's episode, where Joanie will finally show some claws and either Furonda or Sara is guaranteed to get sent home. Though if Jade finally bit it, I couldn't contain my excitement, really.

Uterus as flat as a pancake,

whatever it takes, i know i can make it through

To add to my obsession with youtube...
I was originally very excited when I discovered that you can watch select episodes of Degrassi on the-N.com. Then, someone notified me that essentially every episode ever aired is on youtube. This includes my favorite EVER...the creation of "Palex". It also includes the rest of season 5, which has yet to debut in the US. Lesbians unite, bitch fights commence, babies are born, cheating occurs, anorexia attacks, and boozin' goes down. OH...IT GOES THERE.
Are we going to party? I think I need another bracelet,
Joe John