07 April 2006

you got some gangstas: antm episode 5

Oh, Mollie Sue, we hardly knew you.

But I guess that was the point. I can't think of a single reason that the producers are keeping Brooke on the show, unless they're clairvoyant and can predict some shitstorm she'll start up next episode. I'm starting to wonder if every time these girls go up on the chopping block, they're all having meaningless phrases like "no personality" or "all the potential in the world" thrown at them. Like, do they themselves even know this is the problem? Does this show even happen outside the editing room? Fie you, reality television!

We start with Brooke talking about how she's doomed, and honestly, based on the way she looks here I wouldn't blame them.
I think this is the definition of "tore up."

The other models, in solidarity with Brooke I guess, do their best to hide their bodies and make themselves look as unattractive as possible:
Leslie is wearing an Oriental rug?

Nnenna is wearing a beach towel?

Tyra shows up early this episode, sitting with the girls and feeling a little tired and.... HOLY SHIT!
Furonda pushed Tyra to the ground!

OK, not really, but doesn't it look like that? Tyra actually fell on her own accord, and all of the models fell to their knees in worship accordingly.
A Pieta for models, perhaps?

Once Tyra begins to stir, Furonda looks a little shocked and awed herself.
Maybe she had some "Drop Dead Gorgeous" style scenario in mind, where Tyra is hit by a stray bullet and she has to take over the diva duties.

Once Tyra's back up, holy shit! She was just acting, you guys! And look how much Tyra looooves acting.
And to teach acting we go to the Groundlings, who prove that models can only act when it involves very large emotions ("Rage! Terrified! Janice Dickinson!"). Well, except maybe Brooke

And let's not even get to improv, even when Nick Cannon is involved:

Both Brooke's and Jade's 7th-grade English teachers were weeping, thanks to Jade's creative use of "questions" like "You do not have the qualifications for this job." Of course, the producers think we're equally dumb, giving us big X's to explain exactly what is and is not a question:
I guess anything that makes Jade look stupid, even if it implicates me in the process, is OK by me.

I actually liked Joanie's rap, at least compared to Jade's "your skin is bumpy" attempt. And check out those shades!
"My name is Joanie, you know what I mean, it’s me and white dude on this here black team. I got a volleyball diva, a hot Latina, and two African queens."

She also said Jade looks like and 85-year old woman. I might have a new favorite.

Furonda wins the challenge and gets the honor of, shocker! An appearance on "Veronica Mars" with... Steve Guttenberg?
You take your definition of "celebrity," I'll take mine.

In the meantime, Nnenna is still fighting with her boyfriend on the phone.
And let us all take a moment of silence to remember Kim.

Jade decides to manipulate Nnenna with her fights with her boyfriend, which makes me wonder if Nnenna is much stupider than I previously belived. No one needs a human-sized devil sitting on their shoulder, especially one that looks like Jade:

Nnenna and Furonda get to do a PSA about HIV. Who let real issues into this show, seriously? At least we've got Furonda's belt buckle to look at.

Finally we get to the photoshoot, which is not a photoshoot but a commercial. Don't we usually save that for the end of the season? They have to improv most of the commercial, which predictably strains their brain cells. Unfortunately the still photos don't do it justice, and holy shit YouTube is down! You'll just have to use your imaginations.

Shy girls don't get to be models! Girls who make trout lip faces definitely don't get to be models! Also Brooke had a great Valley Girl improv moment with "I love Cover Girl. It's just so fun to wear!" Looks like you're having a great time there, girl.

Danielle forget her lines and I still can't get over that gap in her teeth. Tyra nailed her on the accent finally too-- I'm just wondering how she's going to get over all of this to take the position on the top she is so inevitably heading for.

Jay Manuel actually nailed it on the head with this one: "She looks like a drag queen." Check out this overhead shot of her twirling her way through what is supposed to be a party
I think I'm going from thinking she's a huge bitch to honestly believing she's delusional. Maybe Janice "world's first supermodel" Dickinson and Jade "undiscovered supermodel" have a future together after all.

I'm not really sharing Furonda's fascination with herself, especially because she did this ad Rachael Ray style, practically miming her way through it. I'm also kind of starting to see the praying mantis thing about her. I don't know. Not amused.

Joanie's ad was... fine. She's really just growing on me because she's the only white girl showing any personality, and I feel like I have to support my boring white-bread sisters out there. At least she held the product so you could see the label. That's a start.

I don't think Sara got enough credit for doing her ad with the product in one hand and a drink the other. If I were going to have a modeling career, that's how it would go.

Leslie speed-read her way through the last lines of the ad, which I also have respect for. No wasting my time.


It's things like this that make me crazy about this show-- Mollie Sue got eliminated for lack of personality, but Nnenna continues to be a completely blank slate. Plus she's letting Jade breathe the same air, which indicates insanity to me. Yes, I am judging her commercial solely on personality. This is reality TV, after all.

Mollie Sue-- out
I join the rest of the internet in shouting... WTF?! Everyone else was a disaster and Mollie Sue was a mild disaster, so what's the problem? I never noticed before this screenshot that she's incredibly angular and weird-looking, but that's never stopped anyone else before.

With Mollie Sue and Jade in the bottom two, I guess we were all expecting Mollie Sue to go, but you can tell she didn't:

I guess we're going to be putting up with Jade for a while, which is a shame because she's really getting on my nerves. If Brooke doesn't go next week, though, for God's sake I quit reality TV. Wait, of course I didn't mean that. Who do you think I am?

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

1 comment:

tina said...

That elimination was so unfair.
I hope Mollie Sue pulls an elyse from cycle 1 and ends up being really successful.