15 April 2006

say goodbye to the duck booty walk: antm episode 6

If it was possible to be eliminated for blandness, why didn't we get rid of Nik earlier last season? I guess Leslie is the first victim of the new policy.

I really didn't see it coming that she'd be going, but I guess that's what the boring ones are: silent threats.

As for Brooke's sudden crazy-bitch turn, I have to point out that I totally called it: "I can't think of a single reason that the producers are keeping Brooke on the show, unless they're clairvoyant and can predict some shitstorm she'll start up next episode."

I mean, I guess I can understand being irritated by Nnenna's smugness.
Look at that bitch smirk!

But first of all, Brooke's attempts at finger quotes look more like scary claws

and second, if you're going to call someone a "fucking bitch" on national television
(and have your mouth blurred out)

and then suggest that she should "go back to Africa" (I do not kid), then don't cry to your dad about it immediately after.

Brooke, I agree with you that Nnenna is obnoxious, but at least she can take a photo. LeBrooke, my ass.

In any case, we start the episode with Miss J making her requisite ridiculous apperance, except this time looking about as tore up as James Brown did that time he got arrested in my home county.

Seriously, those armpit-baring shirts are reserved exclusively for rednecks at the gas station in the middle of July. Though I have to say the Stepford Wives jean skirts the models were sporting weren't much better as a fashion choice.

As it turns out it didn't take long for Miss J to be out-fabuloused in this episode, thanks to the appearance of Richard and Ron Harris, "the aswirl twins." Does anyone remember that sketch "Men on Film" from "In Living Color"?
Yeah, that's pretty much what we're looking at here.

These are guys who mix up their verb cases and say things like "heighth." There is nothing not to love. They even give the girls swirly dresses and make them look like, well, morons, while shouting "Swirl!" at them.
What I like best about this screencap is how Furonda is totally, completely off. Show us your ass, girl, that's right.

That night Joanie runs around wearing a laundry basket on her head
and secures her spot as my one true love on this show. Something about me and Joe John and the girls with the bad teeth-- but we'll get into Joanie's teeth later.

Next day they head out to their challenge and-- what?!?!
Who let Jesus in? Without asking questions Jade, the diligent Catholic that she is, douses herself with some holy water
Hasn't she ever been to the Vatican? Doesn't she know you're not supposed to wear tank tops in the house of the Lord?

It turns out they're there for what's billed as a traditional church fashion show, a staple of the black community. I guess I'll go for that, but why did you fill the audience with white people?
Furthermore, why did you dress them all like crazy Italian widows?

I guess we can thank them for giving us a shot that fully sums Jade up: the wicked queen.

Jade wins a $25,000 diamond ring, which even I will admit is class, and then the girls move on the next day to do a photoshoot for... Payless?!? First Sears, now Payless? I love Payless as much as the next cheap college girl, but seriously. Tommy the Clown and his fellow krumpers show up to make everyone look awkward as they dance their hearts out, and the girls dress like the prostitutes from "Hustle and Flow" and do their best to shake their thangs. You can imagine how well that went.

Jade looked like a fucking maniac throughout this entire shoot, although I guess that's what this whole "krumping" business is about. Her dancing in the makeup room, however, was even better:
Girl, leave that wooden floor alone with your ridiculous dance moves.
I guess I have to agree with the judges who loved this shot, but Brooke still gets on my damn nerves. Crying before each shoot? Puh-leeze. If she actually physically fights Nnenna, though, I might switch over to her hide.

I think Joanie looks a little like a blow-up doll in this shot, but I can't knock anything that supports my girl. I love Jay Manuel's impression of the face she's making, only because of how wildly inaccurate it is:
Jay, you're no Tyra when it comes to impressions.

Yeah, OK. Furonda didn't get much screen time this episode, except for Jay Manuel telling her not to "shame her black sisters" by not being able to dance. Way to be offensive about race a little, more Mr. Jay. Thanks a lot.

Same as above. If they don't give this girl much to do she might get the Boring Kiss of Death.

This photo fucking pisses me off. The judges all loved it, but she's grinning like an idiot, and you can't even see the fucking shoes. I guess Brooke really is rubbing off on me-- Nnenna's starting to seriously get on my nerves.

This episode was all about Sara being "too tall," which reminds me of that episode where Bre was "too short," meaning it came out of nowhere. Her height did lend itself to some really awkward grinding with the clown, though
That just looks painful.

Leslie-- out
Poor Leslie. While it does look like she's doing bicep curls here, she didn't quite deserve her fate.

And unrelated to a single model but hilarious nonetheless: Mr. Jay and some random white guy dancing while sitting:

At the judging Tyra puts the girls through this bizarre spinning challenge that was too boring to watch and definitely too boring to bother recapping. Twiggy proved she's whiter than anyone in the world by not knowing what krumping is, and Tyra proved she's dumber than anyone in the world by showing us her version:

Ow. My eyes.

Next week: holy shit, Joanie gets dental work!

I'm having sympathy pains already.

I'ma pass my flow to Jo Jo,


Anonymous said...

Krumping makes me laugh.


brie said...

jade looked like jamie lee curtis in her photo, its just ugh, bad.

tina said...

I love your recaps so much.
I think Nnenna looks like one of the clowns in that picture.

Katey said...

Brie and Tina, you are both totally correct. The Jamie Lee Curtis call actually made me gasp out loud.

previously on said...

I love you and your delicious screen caps (mostly, Tyra krumping).