02 April 2006

i get distracted so easily: antm episode 4

Oh, Gina.
Oh, Gina Gina Gina.
Though I've been rooting for her to get booted since basically the first episode (you don't know how being Asian affects your modeling career? Really?), I'm sad to see her go. She could have been a major boon for facial expressions in these recaps. She's no Andrae, but given the lack of emotion expressed by certain other models, she's a fucking mime. How do you feel about Janice badgering Gina, Sara?
How about Gina's pathetic attempts to laugh naturally?
Sometimes I think awkward expressions are better than no expression at all.

The most frustrating thing about this episode was that, from about the first 30 seconds, it was painfully obvious who was in the bottom 2. Brooke is having trouble with her photos? Gina needs to make up for last time? Wow, let the suspense begin. Maybe I'm judging ANTM by unfair standards, but didn't it used to be tougher to predict?

Tonight we got our first look at Nnenna' boyfriend, who is obviously a winner.
I guess when you're from Texas you don't have too many choices. Nnenna has about three phone conversations with him throughout the episode, and we get a good look at their phone room, which looks like an office for absolutely no reason. Seriously, are they going to use those giant file cabinets? Let's not kid ourselves.
Do real modeling agencies look like this? Do these girls even have employable skils?

Janice also made her first "guest appearance" quite early this season, and though Joe John tells me she's starting her own version of Top Model, I can't help but see it as a passive-aggressive plea for forgiveness. As much as I love seeing Janice sexually harass the contestants, when Furonda speculated that this figure was a man, I was kind of hoping she was right
You better work, Cover Girl!

If RuPaul showed up on "Top Chef," it can't be impossible for her to be on "Top Model," right?

Janice brought with her a few blessings, however, the best of them being everyone's favorite alcoholic bitch, Lisa.
The Betty Ford clinic did wonders, and now she's back on the scene.

Also, has anyone else noticed a friendly face in the credits?
I guess because being a Cover Girl has turned Nicole into an emotionless zombie, Lisa was the best candidate, and thank God for it.

Janice's other gift, of course, was tormenting the shit out of Gina. Now I've been known to have fake smiles in my photographs, but what in God's name does jumping up and down on one foot have to do with anything?
...and then you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about

Then, of course, Janice shows up later at the sushi restaurant (ha. sushi.) and forces the models to dance awkwardly, and who would have guessed that Gina would be the awkwardest?
Janice was about a second from sucking out her brains.

Then when Gina couldn't deal with a little torment from the world's first supermodel, what does she do? Cries like a little bitch.
Gina's face +Mollie Sue's awkwardness totally trump Kim's car-crying from last season, including Bre's "come to mama." Thanks for that, at least.

The mid-episode challenge this time around was baffling, both because it was a photo shoot before the real shoot-- a prequel!-- and for Sears?!? They spent last season looking for a high fashion model and now they're shilling for Sears?!? You can see it all in Nnenna's uncontrollable excitement at winning the challenge.
Is that a grimace we're hiding? Just a little maybe?

A wardrobe full of Sears clothing is exactly what a fashion-forward top model needs. Thanks, guys.

As for the actual photo shoot, the number of girls who said "criminal justice" as their career goals proves to me again that "criminal justice" is the "government major" of non-liberal arts colleges: a catch-all for people majoring in beer funneling. Still, Furonda's Black Panther impression just about made up for all of it.

And as for the photos themselves? OK. I'll go with it. No one sucked, even, which impressed the shit out of me.

Leslie-- criminal justice investigator
I want this dress. I need this dress. I have no idea why she is painted up like Zorro, but the dress is what's important, people.

Sara-- prosecutor
During this shoot Mr. Jay told her "This looks like page one of an editorial. Page two, you have your top off. Page three, you're on your knees." Having been told recently that Mr. Jay is actually straight, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him the same way again.

Joanie-- housewife
I guess you could say that Joanie's "career" was a little too traditional, but given how objectified all of the other careers became (criminal justice cum dominatrix? seriously), Joanie was downright liberated. Check out that eyebrow! You go, girl! You drink that cocktail!

Danielle-- singer
I think I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Joe John and picking Danielle as my favorite. I have no idea what she will do about that damn gap in her teeth, but who cares when she takes photos like that. Tyra called it Iman and David Bowie, I call it Diana Ross and random roadie, potato potahto.

Brooke-- anaesthesiologist
Next time someone puts you under anaesthesia dressed like that, please leave the hospital immediately.

Nnenna-- drug researcher
I honestly wonder, even if Nnenna hadn't specified that she wanted to do drug research in Africa, if they would have dressed her this way anyway. I'm sure someone at Wesleyan is writing a senior thesis about race issues on ANTM as we speak. Watching this photo shoot, however, was basically the hottest thing I've seen on ANTM. Tyra accused Nnenna of french kissing the guy, which is blatantly wrong (maybe Tyra's never kissed a boy?), but who cares!
Call it the African heat or something equally racist.

Jade-- kindergarten teacher
I have seen low-rent drag queens in better wigs than that. Seriously. Also I think I saw that male model walk across Foss Hill today in a cape. This photo makes no sense whatsoever, but we can't kick Jade off, so yawn.

Mollie Sue-- makeup artist
I briefly thought maybe the fingerpainting thing would have been better for a kindergarten teacher, but then I thought about pedophilia and changed my mind. Ew.

Gina-- costume designer
The most awkward thing about this photo is really that she's dressed like a Vegas showgirl or an extra from "Memoirs of a Geisha," but we blame it on Gina and kick her off for it anyway. Oh well.

Well, it only took 5 days, but there you go, our first real ANTM reacp. Next week hopefully we'll be back full-force with more recaps and the like. In the meantime I'll be catching up on Top Chef, Next Food Network Star, Cheerleader Nation and every other reality show I've gotten hooked on since Project Runway ended.

I asked you what are your intentions with me, this man,


mdizzy said...

mr. jay straight? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!
where is the proof of this?

Justin said...

I wish that Sears wouldn't try to trick Americans into thinking that it's alright to shop the softer side of Sears. Unless you're looking for a new washer/dryer set, at least go to J. C. Penny, where you can find Michael by Michael Kors.

tiff said...

there was a tie of best lines of the week...

Nnenna's lame ass boyfriend: "what are your intentions with me, this man?" What a douche!

Joanie about Nnenna and her hot male model: "he pitched a tent, and not for them to camp in!"