17 April 2006

back with a vengeance: easter mass remixed

So I went home for Easter...which means that I went to church for Easter. It was not too exciting. Here is how I wish Easter Sunday really went down.

I enter the church to find that the normal priest isn't there....but someone new!

  • Ryan Seacrest steps to the front of the church and introduces the opening hymn, "Enough is Enough...My Motherfuckin' Redeemer Lives!" performed by Samuel L. Jackson...and, um, Mandisa.
  • Father Flav enters with a clock with a cross on it. The congregation cheers and then they know what time it is. Time to sing the "Gloria"
  • First Reading done by Lindsay Lohan
  • Second Reading done by ANTM winner Nicole Linkletter, filmed as a My Life as a Covergirl commercial. Monotone and incorporation of IncrediFULL lipstick included.
  • Sequence: A reinterpretation of "Christ the Lord Is Risen Today" entitled "Jesus Christ Rose From the Dead and All I Got Was This Lousy Wafer" performed by Fall Out Boy.
  • Hallelujah! (Diplo remix)
  • The Gospel
  • Homily: "Jesus not only LIVES, but he lives INSIDE OF YOU" The priest in church actually said this today. Let's just leave it at that. Think zombies.
  • Renewal of Baptismal Promises: Call and response incorporating the instrumental from "Senorita" by Justin Timberlake. If you ain't down wit evil let me hear from you! I don't think I'm with Satan, how bout you? Holy water is sprayed on everyone through overhead sprinklers and everyone goes apeshit. We all get water balloons that say "PEACE" on them and throw them at one another while exclaiming, "Peace be with you asshole!" When we all dry off, we remind ourselves that there is no hypocrisy at all within the Catholic church.
  • Communion: Father Flav takes out a chocolate bunny and states, "This is the body of Christ". He bites the head off. The congregation breaks out a few gallons of Carlo Rossi and some box wine and throws that shit in their MOUTHS.
  • Communion Hymn: "What's Up with the Supper of the Lord?" performed by Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child.
  • Closing hymn: "Jesus Walks"- Kanye West
  • We play a game called "Finding Jesus" where a man hides in one giant Easter Egg. Twenty-one other sealed Easter eggs may or may not have a man inside. One person chooses an egg and a banker dressed up as Satan does everything they can to make sure that Jesus is not in that egg. The contestant is offered money, sex, drugs, and the opportunity to kill a puppy.
I don't care who you're touchin' in Metuchen,
Joe John

1 comment:

Skrinkle said...


Who doesn't wish their Easter sunday was like that?