02 March 2006

if i had a cardiac arrest right now, i wouldn't be surprised: project runway episode 12

During this most recent episode, coming off the clip-show high that was the reunion episode, Project Runway seemed to get back to its original, genius alchemy: it was the perfect combination of snark, fashion, melodrama, insanely hard challenges, and of course, excessive homosexuality. We start right after the last elimination, where Kara's model gets sent home and the designers themselves pack up and head out of Atlas. First, though, Tim and Heidi throw the designers a rooftop party, where Heidi again appears to be drinking alcohol:

What's German for "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?"

The alcohol apparently gets Heidi's pregnancy-addled mind all frisky, because she starts making eyes toward Tim while talking about what a "good season" it's been.

The gays just kicked Tim out of their club.

The designers pack up and move out, with Santino giving a half-dressed Daniel a curt "later" before heading out of Dodge. Daniel's reaction, of course, gets all the hearts a-flutter, though really, what's up with that hair?

Working the windswept look... indoors.

Santino celebrates his place in the final three with typical class, representing the top three with three fingers and ticking them off one by one.

"Daniel."

"Chloe."

I had no idea you could flip the bird on TV, but I didn't realize you could say "dick" either.

DV and Chloe hug goodbye, officially solidifying the anti-Santino club they will pick back up in 6 months for Fashion Week.

"That bitch will never know what hit him." "F'real."


Cut to five months later! Tim arrives in L.A. in the stupidest car in the world, which is unfortunately also a sponsor of Project Runway and therefore featured heavily.

Saturn Sky Roadster: the gayest car, and not in the good way.

Santino, despite later complaining about living in abject poverty, is living in a pretty ridiculous looking house. Maybe that's just how everything is in L.A.

Isn't that where Brenda and Brandon Walsh lived?

I would like to take this moment to note that, despite what some are saying on the interweb, there is no intentional Santino-bashing here. I've appreciated Santino both for this design and the hilarity he brings to the show every week, and as someone whose comments have come to bite me in the ass in the past, I at least sympathize with where he's coming from. Plus, as we see once Tim enters Santino's studio, he has a disco ball:


Oh wait, did I say one disco ball? I meant three.


Truly a man after my own heart.

Tim and Santino go on a long walk on the beach, which is both adorable and in the running for one of the top five most homoerotic moments of this season. They look like an ad for a gay personals site. They stroll.

They have a heart to heart.
They watch the romantic sunset.

Santino gives us a bit more about how much he had to go through to get where he is, and shows us some baby pictures as proof.

Though I do see some cuteness there, I'll admit that Santino is probably only now getting out of his awkward phase. He gives us a speech about how he seems arrogant but actually feels insecure, which is nice an humanizing, Then, of course, he adds "If you think you have something to say about the way I look, what I do, what I say, what my voice sounds like [...] I’ve thought it ten times more in depth than you have.” So you're saying that you're insecure, but you're still better at it than everyone else? Good to know the classic Santino arrogance didn't go too far.

But back to cuteness, Santino takes us to visit his friend and his friend's numerous children, and OH MY GOD. CUTE EXPLOSION.

Awwwwaaaawwwwwwwwaaaaawwwwwwww
*explodes*

I realize I'm supposed to be snarky here, but honestly. Cute explosion. Tim Gunn + Santino + adorable children = even better than three disco balls.

On to New York City! Tim knocks on DV's door, where he has an appropriately hipster-in-New-York Christmas wreath that doesn't really resemble a Christmas wreath at all:

Evergreens are so red-state.

Because there are no long walks on the beach to be had in New York in December, Tim and DV do the next gayest thing: they go shopping. On their way there they walk past a guy who apparently thinks he's in an Inspector Gadget cartoon:

Is this guy spying for Blogging Project Runway or something?

DV picks out a blazer that I believe he actually wears to the final runway show, and gives us a nice over-the-shoulder shot that proves, had a Season One-esque disaster occurred and one designer needed to model, DV would have been my pick:

You better work! Cover Girl!

We get a photo montage of DV too, as he talks about how he had to overcome things to become a gay fashion designer. It's mostly what we've heard before, but look at the photos!

Daniel Vosovic is very thoughtful.
Daniel Vosovic also went through an awkward phase.

Daniel Vosovic apparently enjoys rave culture?
Daniel Vosovic's family appreciates the quality represented by Olan Mills portrait studios.

Seriously, big up to Olan Mills.

On to Texas! We go to Chloe's house where she apparently lives with her very awkward mother, and-- HOLY CRAP SHE ACTUALLY HAS 7 SISTERS!

We mostly avoid the photo montage of Chloe's life because it's all here hanging on her wall, including lots of hilarious photos of her masses of sisters who are all apparently very stackable.

Tim and Chloe head back to her work room, where she explains that she's not very far along, she doesn't have sketches, and she doesn't really have a plan of where she's going. Tim is all kinds of concerned. In fact, he's this many kinds of concerned:

We even get a nice awkward silence where all we have to focus on is Tim's worry lines. Hmmmm......

"I'm.....concerned? Underwhelmed? Bored?"

It all turns out OK, though, because Tim Gunn becomes a giant when he takes a picture with ALL OF CHLOE'S SISTERS!

(Sing it) "Which one does not belong?" (and I don't mean the blond mohawked sister)

Cut to a few weeks later! DV arrives by cab to the hotel in midtown, which is ridiculous seeing as he is staying in a hotel in his own town, but spend your money how you like, Bravo. He starts talking to the camera and showing off his bags, announcing "You didn't know I designed bags, did you? Well I do." That's some Santino-style arrogance showing there, DV.

"It's not a purse! It's European!"

He immediately proceeds to put on the hotel slippers and act like man of the house, which I guess is what you have to do before Santino shows up and you have to start locking horns over who gets to be the alpha male.

Santino? Santino who?

Chloe shows up in the airport with a dead body.
J/K, it's apparently just her line. But if it were a dead body, this show would have gone from hilarious to best. thing. ever. She and DV meet up in the hotel room and continue bonding and snuggling and dreading Santino's arrival. I have to add that the position they are sitting in in this screenshot is exactly how co-blogger Joe John and I are sitting AS I TYPE THIS. It's almost like we're the same people or something.
The best clique since Mean Girls.

Santino arrives and they make some half-hearted attempt at editing some drama into it, but everyone seems too interested in being civil for the time being. They talk about what life has been like since the show has been airing (remember, this was shot a few weeks ago), and Santino says that he's tried not to watch the show but "it sucks you in.
I've read every shitty blog." OK, Santino, I've watched with interest as you've insulted everyone on the show, but I never actually imagined you'd (indirectly) insult me. Is it wrong that I feel slightly flattered?

They go to set up their designs in their new BANANA REPUBLIC workroom (the Banana Republic logo, of course, gets excellent screentime), and each of them pretend they're not looking at each others' designs. Daniel wonders if Santino will pull "a dildo dress" out, where Santino sticks to plain insults and says "Chloe's collection just looked like a couch was coming at you." I'm not so sure about that, but I do know that one design Chloe pulled out was the absolute worst thing I've ever seen:

It looks like a slipcover. It looks like an 80's prom dress. It looks like the most tremendously awful thing I've ever seen. I have no idea how I missed this in the initial runway photos.

Anyway, Tim shows up and starts fawning over the collections in his non-emotive way. He tells Santino "You should feel very proud," and look how visibly happy Tim is:

Then Tim sees Chloe's work and tells her "good work," and look how visibly proud he is:
Daniel, on the other hand, knows exactly how excited he is to see Tim's reaction to his work.
"I loooooovee my collection! I think it's fuckin' hot!"

Tim, on the other hand, does not. In fact, let us count the ways in which Tim does not love Daniel's collection.
Hmmmm.....
Hmmm.....
Uhhh......
Well....
“It looks a little crafty. It looks a little like your dad did this in the garage.”

Ouch. Daniel wonders why Tim isn't "piddling in his panties" over his collection, which is my favorite phrase of the week, and Tim gives only a vague "I'm waiting." Hmmm... what's happened to our golden boy? And that purse is actually pretty sweet, thank you very much.

Just when you think that Tim would be the only face of derision on this episode, we take a trip to Michael Kors! They go back to that same ridiculous lobby and OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MK?
Eliza Ford says it's cheekbone implants, I say it's a bad haircut, but either way, someone needs to do something posthaste.

Anyway. MK tells them not to settle when picking their models, which sounds like old-fashioned dating advice, and we get a little bit of straight man eye candy as we watch the models strut their stuff.
OK boys, we gave you an ass shot, now stop complaining.

Immediately after that, as if to pay penance to the gay gods, we get a shirtless DV.
Cosmic balance, people. All is once again right in the world.

Back in the workroom, their original models from the show show up. Santino's model grew crazy hair extensions, Daniel's model Rebecca looks exactly the same, and hey! Grace looks pretty good!

Bangs frame my face and make me look less terrifying.

She's kind of got an American Eagle model thing going on, don't you think?

Tim comes to see the dresses on the models and, lo and behold, he continues to scowl at DV, and shares his wrath with Rebecca, who really didn't do anything wrong.
Come on, Tim, you're scaring the children.

He even gets down and dirty on the floor with DV to criticize the hem, which both looks like an incredibly lowly position for Tim and adorable.
Come Daniel, lean on my shoulder and glean my wisdom.

The designers proceed to "make it work" and act like they're in a regular challenge, with lots of rushing around the workroom and getting their models' hair done, even though the runway show is over two days away. Huh? Daniel tries on one of his model's belts around his own waist, which is pretty much just an opportunity for a gratuitous DV crotch shot:
Go ahead and stare, it's OK.

The models start showing up, or rather, only Chloe's models start showing up, because Santino's models are apparently clones of Morgan from last season and don't wake up to their alarms, either. Chloe torments her new model by putting the 80's prom dress curtain on her, which somehow looks even worse when covering a person.
Run, bitch, run for your life!

As they leave for the day Santino threatens to start cracking skulls if his models don't show, which is way less threatening than saying he'd eat pepole on the runway.

Morning, and another gratuitous shirtless Daniel shot. These editors really do know their target audience, don't they.
Santino is interviewed while wearing a shirt that is apparently so vulgar it has to be blurred out.
Until a few minutes later, when it's revealed to be... a drawing of a crown.
Scandalous.

Back in the workroom Heidi and Tim show up, wearing those devilish looks where, according to Daniel, "They were going to rain on our parade, you could just tell.” They tag-team to give a very Tyra-esque speech about how long it has taken them to get here, and the top three hug each other in solidarity, and I laugh at their height differences once more.
So cute... with the shadow of Tim looming over them.

Heidi and Tim announce that they will have to design yet another garment for the runway show, which sends each designer into their own little snit. Daniel says he wants to punch someone, Santino says "If I had a cardiac arrest right now, or a brain aneurysm, I wouldn't be surprised," where Chloe just starts to cry. Pussy.
I'm calling the wah-mbulance.

But wait! The designers don't have to go it alone-- they will have "helpers." I of course think back to last season, when they were promised a helper for the Grammy dress challenge and Jay hoped for a Korean woman with 18 fingers. They got Robert instead. I was hoping this time they had pulled through with that Korean woman, but it's even better! Look who's back!
Andrae is back!
Nick is back!
And, you know, I guess everyone else is back too.

The rejects all line up and wait to be chosen, which Alex Levy compared to "gym class for gays." Daniel gets to pick first, because he wins everything, and goes with the obvious choice, Nick.

Yes, Nick, we like you! We really like you!

Santino goes next, and in the Tim voice, chooses Andrae. What's that you say? 35D is back together on national television? I cannot contain my glee.

Santino and Andrae
reunited at last.

Chloe goes last and, despite hopeful-looking Emmett and Kara, picks Diana.

It is worth noting that beloved co-blogger Joe John completely queened out when this happened, so now we both have our favorites back in the game.

You cannot stop these teams!

So the other rejects get ushered away, and everyone gets on to making it work, or in Nick and DV's case, making it hot. We smolder!

Or in Andrae's case, making it flail.
Dear God how I've missed Andrae.

They head out to Mood shortly after, and Tim continues giving everyone a hard time, particularly Chloe. I mean, look at this reaction to her gold fabric.
Ouch. Nick and DV go off on their own hunt, and.... is Nick wearing a chain wallet?

Hot. Santino and Andrae, for their part, are pondering over fabric.
And ponder a bit more.
And continue pondering.
Finally, Andrae has an idea! They could make a jacket! He is very excited about this prospect.
They share a moment of, what else, pondering.
It really seems like we're getting there. Then Santino confessionalizes, “Even if you put pasties and a friggin maxi pad on the model and send her down the runway, who gives a fuck at this point.” I'm sure that really fits with Andrae's theory of turning ugly things into art, Santino.

Then Santino closes us out with, “It’s like one of those scenes in a movie when you just look up into the sky and you just go..." And then he starts to scream. This is how the Project Runway editors choose to represent a very loud scream (imagine all these in order):

Aaaaaaannnnd scene. No joke. This two-part episode business doesn't offer much by way of natural conclusions, so that's all we get for now. Next week we're promised more designer tension and, of course, a runway show. Honestly, now that Nick and Andrae are back on the show, I'm more excited than ever. I am nothing if not loyal.

Everything comes off like I'm a crazy egomaniac,
Katey



13 comments:

Max said...

"sparkling apple cider" my ass.

Phyllis S said...

For just a moment, I thought I'd wandered into an episode of 'The
Apprentice'. Maybe I did. How lovely to have our little lamb Andrae back, though.

nicole said...

i have to say this is probably the best pr recap i've ever read

i love it!

Manda said...

I feel really embarassed that you linked to my comment on Santino's blog. I hope that I didn't offend you. I honestly love your recaps. Please don't hate me!

Katey said...

No hate intended, Manda! I was honestly just shocked to see the link on Santino's blog-- I'm hoping he visits out of curiosity and sees how insane I am over those adorable children!

tiff said...

the only place where the screencaps are worth the scroll!

"sparkling apple cider" I'd love to defend Heidi but... I bet Daniel Franco would've sobered her up!

Nikkie said...

This is downright hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Loved the Inspector Gadget guy. You have a great eye to capture the background action too. I also agree with Nicole, this is one of the best recaps ever.
Mimi (I can't get my id to work)

Tbone said...

Damn you Katey! My Inspector Gadget cover has been completely blown. Off to see Austin for another makeover.

And I cannot get enough of Chloe and Grace together. Grace looks like she's petting a puppy.

Great job, as usual!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Your format is so original. You should feel really good about yourself for inventing this recap style. This is like nothing else I've seen on the web. Ever!

Joe John said...

You are really lame anonymous. Katey has never stated that she invented the re-cap, or this format. Katey's writing style is different than FourFour...and she notices things he does not as he notices things that she does not. On top of that, you can't say that anyone who takes screen-caps and writes about them is biting off of FourFour...who is actually biting off of several other re-cap sites that came before him (ie: TWOP, etc)

Laura K said...

GREAT recap, Katey - your best yet! You've made me want to watch the episode again just so that I can catch the little details. I can't wait for next week!

Not Mike J@mes said...

Fuck Anonymous! WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
I KNOW who you are.

Mom, stop it I'm typing.