16 March 2006

bringing the silliness: antm

So, to post something slightly-redundant over the photos from last night's "Top Model," I'm going to begin what will eventually become full-fledged ANTM recaps. At the moment I'm in Vermont with a huge-ass TV and digital cable available to me, but alas, no DVD recorder. So for now, we'll have to deal.

We have three episodes under our belt so far, including the always-redundant yet always-entertaining pre-show, where we see the huge gaggle of screaming girls get whittled down to the smaller gaggle of screaming girls that we already know have been chosen thanks to promotional photos, well, everywhere. And if anyone didn't know that Top Model had finally chosen its first Asian contestant, well, you may as well be dead.

As has been mentioned elsewhere Tyra and Co. aren't really messing with their formula this time around, so the episodes thus far have been pretty standard-- photoshoots! inter-house rivalry! someone's sob story! Even the eliminations were predictable a mile away-- while having a Katrina victim on the show is interesting, no one could have put up with her spontaneously bursting into tears for very long, especially since the show was shot in October. While Katrina was a fresh wound for all of us in October, let's face it, by March most of America, particularly ANTM's target audience, isn't thinking too much about New Orleans. And as for Kathy, the hillbilly who looks like half of my high school graduating class? Well, better luck next time.

As for the rest of the models, we'll do what we do best here and judge them based on exactly what the editors want us to believe, because we are the mindless sheep of UPN. And these photos are from last night's shoot, where they were intended to be ice princesses for a cover shoot. Yes, there was plenty of bitching about how cold it was.

Filling in the "house bitch" role from day one, Jade calls herself the "undiscovered supermodel" about as often as Tyra makes a stupid face. The hair you see here is probably obviously the result of the show, and she of course spent the episode bitching about that too. She also engaged in a fight over the phone that reminded me forcibly of Aneesa and Tanya's phone battle on 9/11 in The Real World: Chicago (please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers this season). At one point Mr. J pointed out that, because she already thinks she's a supermodel, she's impossible to work with. That, and that she's crazy. Something tells me the tongue-lashing Tyra gave her when she was in the bottom two on this episode will not affect her constant striving to be-- well, anything but America's Next Top Best Friend, thanks Jade.

I guess it's a good thing that on TV we get an Asian woman who speaks perfect English, doesn't play the violin and doesn't seem particularly good at math. Still, did we have to get Gina? Not only are her photographs lackluster, but she doesn't strike me as terribly interesting or smart, even by Top Model standards. Asked during their fake press conference to talk about how being an Asian woman affected her competition, she was dumbstruck, despite clearly using being Asian to get on the show. Come on, girl, being a bullshitter is a skill we all need, not just Tyra. Gina will last a little bit longer but is pretty much doomed.

I have no idea how Danielle keeps taking good photos like this one, because every time you see her speak all you can see is the ENORMOUS gap between her front teeth. Like Kathy, she also looks like every sassy black girl I went to high school with, but somehow transforms in these photos into super-hot queen bee. Mr. J told her last week she looked "regal," and Danielle openly admitted she didn't know what that meant. She and Gina may be in competition for resident idiot, but I see Danielle going way farther, unless Tyra outs her for some ridiculous "you're too short" or "you have an enormous gap between your teeth" reason, which is totally plausible on this absurd show.

Well, Joe John has picked her as the love of his life, and it's not hard to see why. Her name is Furonda, having long hair after the makeover has turned her into a diva, and she has a 10-item list of how to treat her, including "I am the best person to discuss me with." Gotta love it. Her performance in the photo shoots has been alright, but I'm just waiting for the diva attitude to come out in front of Mr. J, or for her and Jade to claw each others' eyes out. Something tells me Furonda doesn't believe in America's Next Top Best Friend either.

Brooke was actually the first person to say "I'm not here to make friends," but thus far hasn't made much of a diva-licious impression. This photo is amazing nad not really a representation of what she looks like in real life, which can only be described as "bizarre." Tyra told her "You're all wrong," but Mr. Skeevy Nigel reminded her, "But it's so right." Ew. Brooke will probably end up middle of the pack, unless photos like that continue coming.

Nnenna is so clearly the front-runner at this point-- she has won both challenges so far, and has this crazy "I left Nigeria at 14 to pursue my dream of being a model in America" story that is bait for viewers and Tyra alike. Fuck Katrina-- leaving war-torn Africa is where the serious shit is at. It seems, though, that she couldn't possibly win, because where would be the drama in that? Something about her leaves me cold, too, maybe because vanity and bitchiness are what I look for in reality show contestants to support. In any case, she's definitely going far, if not top two.

Despite what this photo may suggest, Leslie is actually a pretty bland presence on the show. I actually can't think of a single interesting thing she's done so far, and I've tended to confuse her and Wendy, though I guess now that Wendy's gotten the boot that won't be a problem anymore. I love this photo, though, just for how totally not-ANTM it is. If nothing else, girl's got a future at Maxim.

I think of her as "what Kim should have been," though I think at this point in the show last season they had made a way bigger deal of her adrogyny than they have for Mollie Sue. Seriously, though, look at her! She's got that Mia Farrow haircut and workin' it. Even though she's named Mollie Sue she doesn't seem particularly hick-y, and earned points in my book for laughing blatantly at Jade's rant about the phone. Still, we'll have to see where she goes, and based on this lackluster photo I'm not even sure I can judge where she'll wind up in the end.

This girl is an exact combination of Top Model Nicole and Alexandra from the first season of Project Runway. She's also, as Tyra called it, a walking Bratz doll, though none of these things really come out in this photo. She has a shit-ton of hair and takes great photos, so she can't really go anywhere but top six. We'll have to see if she has enough personality to match the hair.

Joanie strikes me as so generic-looking in person, but every time she takes a photo-- wow. I think she has to go far based on that gaze she has pulled off in both of her photos so far, but I just hope she shows enough personality to make putting up with her worth it.

She got the most dramatic makeover of the bunch, this crazy pseudo-mohawk that she hates but refused to cry about. I think she's kind of cool just for that, realizing that her haircut is insane but dealing with it. Tyra and Co. keep saying she looks like Scarlett Johannsen but all I can see is... Sara from last season! I'm glad that not only are we recycling characters on this show but actual people. In any case, Sara seems a touch generic, though for her sake I hope she doesn't get ousted before that hair has time to grow out.

On the next episode we can look forward to forcing pretty girls to interact with bugs, which is always hilarious. Two weeks from now I'll bring screencaps back full-force, but until then, I think you can probably draw your own snarky conclusions.

The undiscovered supermodel,


maria pia said...

KATEY, i'm commenting. ask and ye shall recieve.

Andrea said...

First Asian contestant?? April, anyone?

Joe John said...

April? Halfies don't count Andrea!

notjesslane said...

mollie sue is giving that peice of ice a hand job guys. HAND JOB.