24 February 2006

i get it, i'll keep it to myself: project runway reunion special

UPDATE: Streaming video of "Project Runway: The Musical" posted! Scroll down!

Apologies for how late this post is coming: shockingly, I have a life outside of Project Runway (gasp!) and had things to do. Trust me, I more than made up for the delay with the most screencaps yet.

So, as far as reunion shows go, the reunion itself on this one wasn't all that spectacular. The drama that seemed to be promised in the trailers-- Santino punching Heidi! Chloe crying!-- were blown way out of proportion, and the only drama was pretty much rehashed from the season with no new information. It was in the rehashing, though, that glory was found, and by rehashes I mean essentially video versions of these screencaps. Andrae's greatest facial expressions! Tim's greatest one-liners! Santino and Nick's greatest songs! So I'll start out with a shout-out to the editors, whose names are motion-blurred just to represent how fantastic they are:

Holler back.

Anyway. We'll do this in categories instead of a chronological recap, because does it really matter anyway?

1) Arrivals and transformations.
The designers show up, as tradition dictates, in losing order. Out of the cab come Heidi Standridge, perky as ever, and-- HOLY SHIT IS THAT JOHN WADE?!

Holy crap! Nick, who apparently has been hanging out with John but acts like he hasn't seen the weight- loss, tells him "It's like Star Jones," to which John says, "I'm gonna choke a bitch." That's my boy.

Aw shit, it's John Wade, son!

Kirsten shows up, and holy crap, she got fat!
J/K, she's just pregnant: the socially acceptable form of fat.

Kara shows up and shows off her huge rock.

Nick and Andrae make appropriately flamboyant entrances, beginning the seven gays' episode-long attempts to outgay each other:

2) Michael Kors, we miss you so.
Over shots of the contestants showing up, we get some selections of MK's greatest hits, which is like a gift from recap heaven. The highlights:
“She looked like barefoot Appalachia Lil' Abner Barbie”
“The tabloid press are vicious. They are vicious. It’s a guaranteed 'What was she thinking.” “She looks like a stewardess. I’m waiting for her to serve me a coffee.”
“She looks like a doormat. I think it could have had a little more personality.”
“To me it looks like a Golden Girl jacket that you belt and wear with leggings.”

It's the only MK appearance of the episode, but you know what they say about oldies but goodies.

3) The top three: gloating as an art form.

The top three designers have their own special entrance, and each of them takes the opportunity to make themselves look like huge assholes.

Tim attempts to drag some drama out of Chloe by reliving the whole "Et tu, Brute?" runway betrayal last week, but she'll have none of it. So we move on to...

5) The Santino Show
Here's where my beloved editors really start to shine. Everyone jumps all over Santino for his smack talk, particularly Daniel Franco, who makes an attempt at being tough by demanding "Why. The. Cut. Throat. Thing?" with high-school acting emphasis on every word. Santino responds with typical nonsense: “There’s a part of this competition that it’s like a basketball game. It’s like, you suck, your mama.” Santino, that's the second sports reference you've made. Three strikes and you don't count as a gay anymore.

But then... but then... we get a recap of Santino smack talking literally everyone, with a little inset of said person reacting. Just bask in the cattiness for a moment:

"I defecated on Chloe's fabric."

"Daniel Franco I think seriously has some mental defects."

"I can’t stand the sound of her voice!"

"Emmett, oh my god. Emmett... eat my ass." [Note: this sounds much less pornographic in reality, trust me.]
"I think Daniel Vosovic is full of shit."

"Zulema’s dress was pretty bad."

"Kara’s having trouble in her head."
"Nick will be upset with the fact that I will be showing at Olympus fashion week and he will not."


And in conclusion"I’m definitely an overall compassionate and nice person.”


6) And now, the main event!
Heidi and Tim call them out for talking back more than the last season, and give us a recap of all the great runway arguments, most of which we've seen already. But wait! During the lingerie challenge, somewhere in the midst of Santino's 90-minute argument with Nina Garcia, Daniel Franco actually crosses the runway to confront Santino. DF attempting to be badass twice in one episode? Maybe we're asserting our heterosexuality a bit too much, my friend.

"Don't make me go over there! I'll follow my bliss TO YOUR FACE!"

Chloe is stuck in the middle, looking the child of a divorcing couple.
She pulls off the "deer in headlights" look the models couldn't quite accomplish.

In the midst of this flashback we get a reminder of the unbearable fug that was Santino's lingerie design. I mean, for God's sake.

Back at the reunion, DF repeats that he wanted Santino to respect professionalism and then starts to cry, which cancels out the previous macho posturing. Santino says he's not a frightening guy and no one can stop cowering in their corners long enough to disagree.

8) Lupe walks the yellow highway line... and stumbles
I got called out for accusing Heidi of being drunk in the last episode when she, obviously, was pregnant. This time, however, I am 100% positive in my assertion that Lupe was out of her mind drunk. Here is a verbatim transcript, or at least the best I could decipher, of Lupe's response to a question about her elimination.

“I can only give him [the questioner] a personal critique. Nobody would ever, unless they personally respond to me, would know what my personal response is. That is of me. Personally I believe you can’t push the boundaries. Johnny Cash walked the line. Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Ariann [the questioner], on national television, if you can get this, you fuckin' rock, because you believe in what is true. Period.”

Tim's response? "I think that's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard all night."

9) What happened to Andrae?
We take a visit back to Andrae's runway meltdown, except this time there's a timer to tell us how long it lasted. Glorious. Some choice moments and quotes that didn't make the cut the first time around:

"The challenge was going to be about how far you would go for fashion."

"I'm very innovative."
"What I had to work with was a testimony to the first and maybe the last three years of my career."

"This lovely girl, she's amazing. She's an amazing woman, not just a model."

"I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in L.A.'s Chinatown."

"When I got back there was no more shop... I was alone... I wasn't alone this time."

"I'm not supposed to be crying, Jesus!"

"It's just clothes, but it's also my life."

Just in case that wasn't heavenly enough, we also get a "great Andrae facial expressions" montage, most of which I've already posted here. BUT THEN! an "Andrae flouncing out of revolving doors" montage. I can't do it justice with still photos, but I'll try. The man never met a revolving door he didn't like.

And finally, Andrae flies like an eagle.

10) Don't make me get Shtangi.
Apparently Zulema is crazier than we ever believed. She has an alter-ego named "Shtangi," which is probably more irritating than Wendy Pepper's daughter was. Remember all those times we thought Zulema was just being a huge bitch? Turns out, it was Shtangi! "Shtangi is a tell-it-like-it-is sister," says Zulema, and I just say "Zulema is a crazy bitch." I mean, she picked a fight with Marla over a coat hanger, confessionalizing "When she came to me, I basically told her, no bitch, you’re not getting a pant hanger. I will shut you down immediately.” Phew. Way to pick your battles, Zu.

Rachael and Tarah come back just in case we needed to hammer home that Zulema is out of her mind. Rachael talks about how Zulema would prick her with pins and at one point asked if she could glue a dress to her, to which Rachael responds, "I'm kind of a real person, but whatever." Of course, then hero Uncle Nick comes in and says he regards his models "like porcelain dolls." I guess there's nice objectifying vs. painful objectifying, but seriously. Zulema and Rachael fight some more, while Nick and Tarah just look attractive and severely trapped in the middle:
Just focus on their beautiful cheekbones and pretend nothing's wrong.

11) Backstabber's revenge.
Heidi and Tim pull out all the confessional footage of the designers trashing each other (including even more Santino footage, in case you thought that was possible.) Everyone is pretty much forced to eat their words, but Andrae comes up with the best mea culpa yet:

“What’s true about life as human beings, as an Americans, is that we are accountable for what we say. We have to kind of live all together and really get along.”

But wait, did we get too serious for you there? OK, time for dance numbers!

Seriously, I cannot say it enough: these screencaps do not do justice to Project Runway: The Musical. Santino and Andrae both have surprisingly beautiful voices, Andrae moves like Gumby, and Nick gets some serious soul toward the end of the "Daniel Franco" number. But because the combination of Project Runway and musicals is by far the gayest thing I have ever witnessed, and you know what a sucker I am for excessive homosexuality, I will do my best.

UPDATE: Here is a streaming video of the musical, even though you should look at the screencaps anyway:

Santino and Nick sing "Daniel Franco, Where Did You Go?" accompanied by the Daniel Franco shuffle.

Chorus: Daniel Franco, where did you go? oh oh...
Daniel Franco where did you go?' oh oh...
(we barely got to know ya!)
Daniel Franco where did you go? oh oh... Daniel Franco where did you go? oh oh... (see you on season three!)

Breakdown: Daniel? Where are you Daniel? Where did you go?

Finale: WHERE DID YOU GOOOOOO??????? (Nick sings it with soul)

And Daniel sends us a kiss from the great beyond:
Santino and Andrae give us "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion," this time with choreography.


Lighten up it's just

Lighten up it's just
And those are just the ones with dancing. Download this shit now.

12) Way to make it awkward, Daniel
The wonderful, magical editors prove they also have a sense humor, by keeping intact a wonderfully awkward interaction between Daniel Franco and Heidi. Still images actually sum this up pretty nicely, since everyone essentially froze when this exchange took place.

Tim: Well, Daniel, maybe we'll see you on season three.
Daniel: You might. You just might.
Tim and Heidi freeze.
Daniel: I love you Heidi.
Heidi's internal monologue: Holy shit, this guy is insane. Mein Gott! Wo ist Seal?

And then everyone says who they think will win, Nick talks about how he and Santino had a falling out, and we end just as awkwardly as we began. Most of the things we were hoping for, including a DV-Andrae makeout and Guadalupe being carted off to the drunk tank, didn't happen. But the memory of "Daniel Franco, Where Did You Go?" will live on forever in my heart.

Next week: typical fashion week shenanigans, and a threat from Tim Gunn, "I'll bitch slap them!" You could not give me a better reason on earth to watch.

I will fuck a bitch up.

Following my bliss,


AJ said...

Katey, your screen caps are brilliant!!

"Don't make me go over there! I'll follow my bliss TO YOUR FACE!"

Don't get me started...too effing funny.

As many times as I will watch this on my DVR...you're caps and quotes are still fabulously entertaining!

Nice job:)

Jan the Dan Fan said...

Holy cow!!!!

I haven't even finished reading your re-cap yet, but I had to thank you immediately for the genie-posed Daniel V. I have been hoping that someone would put that up. So great!

Thank you!!!

Jan the Dan Fan said...

Finished-but had to watch the Musical a few times. That just kills me--I need to see the whole show!
Brilliantly fun re-cap once again! Thank you.

Laura K said...

Brilliant - as always! Thanks Katey.

Allen said...

I was trying so hard not to laugh at loud at work. I love your postings!!

you definitely are a gay man in a woman's body. I LOVE IT. :)

mell said...

okay, so i'm sure they added in the piano later for "Daniel Franco, where did you go?", but upon first viewing I was like "there was a piano in the sewing room? that's so badass! I wonder if they had old fashioned piano parties"

Anonymous said...

i disagree with the above commenter... you are NOT a gay man in a woman's body and to be honest, i find your gay stereotyping offensive. this is a show about fashion designers, not a gay spectacle.

quotes such as " the seven gays' episode-long attempts to outgay each other" and " Santino, that's the second sports reference you've made. Three strikes and you don't count as a gay anymore." ... come on. gay men don't try to "outgay" each other - that's all your outsider's perspective.

Bonnie said...

BEST RECAP EVER! Thanks for posting....

Loved the Andrae revolving door bit....