19 February 2006

consumer reports: february

The thing about February is it's a month of contrasts, and I'm not talking about how it blizzards and then three days later it's 60 degrees outside (seriously, WTF?) I'm talking about movies. You've got your Oscar nominees hollering and proclaiming their superiority every 15 seconds, unless of course you're an actor, in which case you're "honored to be nominated" and dress up like an alien for the New York Times. And then you've got the movies actually being released this time of year, which are almost exclusively wretched. So, to help you navigate the minefield that is February, I bring you Consumer Reports: February. Though, really, just go see "Brokeback Mountain" again if you're going to go to the movies. You'll respect yourself more in the morning.

"Watching paint dry would be a more cultural experience." -- 1 star

"I guess I should blame the fact that nowadays my comedic standards call for something more than a cat having sex with a human corpse." -- 2 stars

"I can say things like 'Well that was bad, but at least it wasn't Date Movie." -- 1 star

"It's really funny if you're 12 and haven't gotten out much." -- 1 star

"take you friends take your grained take your wife because if you loved scary movie go and see this film now!!!!!!!" -- 7 stars

"And why music so dull that it would make Raffi sound like James Brown?" -- 2 stars

"This is the best Disney animated movie that I have seen in the past decade. Well, of course this film isn't made by Disney, but this is the type of film that they should be making." -- 10 stars

"Why didn't they rename this one 'Ted, the Man in the Yellow Suit, Who Doesn't Like Wearing it Very Much but Does Anyway Because the Book Says He Has Too." -- 2 stars

"I think the true magic is the way the artists made George look. Curiosity got the best of me when I asked 'How did they get him to look like the coolest monkey in the world?" -- 10 stars

"Any time that I leave happier than when I went in, that makes it a 10 moment for me. Plus, it made me come home and hug my cat (who is very much like George!)." -- 10 stars

"There was an "action," scene where his belly jiggled before hitting the floor. He arose from the event looking rather feeble. Did I mention he was too old for the role?!" -- 2 stars

"If you are going into this film expecting a boring sort of spectacle reminiscent of 'Air Force One'. Then, by golly, YOUR WRONG." -- 10 stars

"Sorry, but I can't Harrison in this movie at all." -- 4 stars

"Give or take, everyone felt the, "I need to pee but don't want to get up feeling"— during the movie."-- 10 stars

"I normally see movies Like Final Destination or Scream, but I have to admit that I was entertained when I went to see this movie!" -- 8 stars

"The actors appear to be characters from different movies who can't communicate with each other here; it's almost as if they are phoning in from different dimensions." -- 1 star

"I would highly recommend a DVD screening for this one since it is my personal belief that we should see a little bit of everything in a protected environment." -- 3 stars

"by the way i wanted Julianne Moore's character to DIE she was annoying." -- 1 star

"Think Spike Lee on an off-day." -- no stars given

"The beginning had some promise, like seeing an attractive person at Starbucks only to experience the worst case of bad breath. This movie began to decay and stink in rapid fashion." -- no stars given

"I would recommend this movie to someone who wants to have a good time at the movies and won't squirt soda out of their noses from laughing to hard. An absolute knee-snapper." -- 7 stars

"This is obviously a story about how we can be used like a pond. And how it can backfire." -- 7 stars

"There was a fart joke in Revenge of the Pink Panther, I say we say Kumbaya." -- 8 stars

"Because do you know what you get if you concentrate too much on plot? You get a drama. That would be the frowning thespian mask." -- 10 stars

"Beyonce' is appropriately diverting as the femme fatale. After all; how can any male viewer resist scoping her wardrobe to see where she might possibly be hiding that diamond? *Wink-wink! Nudge-nudge!*" -- 8 stars

Brainwashed by critics,


Tom said...

don't go SEE 'Brokeback Mountain' - listen to the audiobook dudes!

Joe John said...

You forgot "When a Stranger Calls" and "Hoodwinked!"

That is unacceptable...because obviously they're the exceptions to the February bad-movie rule.