16 February 2006

are you ready to rumble?: project runway episode 11

Well, now that we all know how the shit went down and that Kara was, in fact, the decoy designer at Fashion Week, I have a lot more respect for her. "Well, I have all these peoples' attention, and I'm out of the competition so I can do whatever the fuck I want-- I'll knit some Muppets!" Amazing. Unfortunately there was nary a Muppet to be found in this episode, not even Andrae, and there was our problem.

We start with everyone talking about Nick leaving and reminding us that everyone hates Santino. Kara suggests that Santino would kill his young to get to Fashion Week, which to me is only horrifying because of the idea of Santino having young to begin with. We get a nice, gratuitous shot of Daniel shirtless:

You're welcome.

and Santino continues going on about how it's someone else's time to go and it's his time to shine. I would be concerned about how delusional he's become, but I'm still too horrified by the "kill his young" comment so I'll let it go.

Runway. Models. Rachel goes home. They're designing an evening dress. Yawn. Bring back the walkoff.

Tim shows up and announces he's taking them to meet a woman named Fern Mallis, who is apparently in charge of Fashion Week and would not hesitate to buy and sell you, bitch. She strikes me as an unholy union between Wendy Pepper and Anna Wintour, if Anna Wintour seriously let herself go.

Bask in my power and lanky hair!

She emphasizes to them that it's important to be nice to people during Fashion Week, and Daniel confessionalizes "I had wanted to just really quickly glance at Santino," which leaves me to wonder what he thought he was actually doing:

I'm just looking at the clock, I swear.

DV brings the subtlety on the runway, not so much in the interpersonal relations. Santino, of course, responds to the "be nice" suggestion by saying in confessional "You can't be nice all the time" and that Fashion Week is "the Superbowl of American fashion." As much as I would prefer that designers got to Fashion Week by bashing each other while wearing helmets, I'm starting to think Santino knows nothing about football.

Back to the workroom, sketching evening gowns, and then to Mood. Kara goes on and on, for the fifth episode in a row, about how she doesn't know what she wants to do. DV gets all Andrae-expressive in explaining his concept to Tim:

And Santino purchases fabric that is, well, so many things. My initial reaction was Beyonce, but I now realize it's more like these horrendous purses they were selling on the streets of New York all summer.

5 dollar! 5 dollar only!

Maybe he went down to Chinatown during the inspiration challenge and had been waiting to recreate that oh-so-classy look.

Back in the workroom, Kara continues to play Lost Girl and wanders around looking at everyone else's stuff.

Santino, of course, is huddled in the corner gnawing on the bones of the innocents, and just glares at her. He confessionalizes that "It's not about helping someone else," which seems to be a message he's been getting across clear the whole time. I hope all the designers are all making the spinning "crazy" finger behind his back, because Santino is just making shit up at this point.

The designers head back home, after the shortest work day yet, and we see the note that Nick wrote DV on the 35D chalkboard:

Santino and Daniel proceed to have the least eloquent argument ever about last week's runway, where Santino argues that everyone's designs sucked and he was still the best. Here's a rough recreation:

Daniel's like "Bitch, please."

Santino's like, "Dude, whatever."

Daniel's like... uh, I actually have no idea what that means.

You get the idea. Just before the break, we get this absolute gem of a caption:

What? I thought all the homoerotic tension went out with Andrae?!

Back from commercial, Santino and Daniel continue to gossip about each other from their separate rooms. It's like one of those commercials where people fall in love and then realize they've been living next door to each other the WHOLE TIME!

If they only knew what was on the other side of that wall

Back in the workroom Tim shows up and doesn't have particularly nice things to say to anyone except... Santino? Santino's dress is actually going through a fairly interesting transformation. Here's the first three stages:

Oh wow, that looks pretty nice.

OK, I suppose that would look good.

OK Santino, stop right there!

So yeah, Tim likes it, and the world explodes. Actually, it gets pretty damn close when Tim announces that they'll be designing their dress for.... IMAN! I really wasn't expecting to be impressed by the celebrity, but Iman is pretty damn cool. She's married to David Bowie! She's gorgeous! She's legitimately famous!

OMG jealous!

Chloe's reaction to the news was my absolute favorite, even though I wept a single tear for Andrae's absence:

Daniel wins for best verbal reaction, announcing they would all "shit a brick" if they won.

Whilst working, Chloe and Daniel have one of those conversations that usually wind up being innocuous sex talk but this time wound up biting Chloe in the ass. She announces that she's not really sure that she wants it, "it" being the Fashion Week show, and also the origin of the phrase "I want it so bad right now" (we'll have to wait for the homoerotic tension in next season). Everyone, for lack of a better phrase, shits a brick. It's probably fair, but whatever, Chloe's exhausted and talented and probably didn't need this show to begin with.

Tim shows up and steals them away for "a field trip." Knowing that in the last episode they all got makeovers that we didn't see on camera, I was really hoping this would be it. They head out carrying the most absurd umbrellas I've ever seen:

Ride in a scary black van and don't let Tim ride shotgun:
Have you no respect for your superiors?

And they arrive at a place called Suede, where they meet up with.... Jay! Kara Saun! Austin! Michael Kors! The models! And a clearly drunk Heidi, who shouts all of their names like a crazed fangirl:

Getting smashed is easy when you weigh 90 pounds!

The party itself seems slightly awkward, as there's only about 10 of them there and the room is extremely well-lit. Plus the presence of Michael Kors has to have everyone on edge. In any case, we get some nice conversations between the Season One and Season Two versions of each other.
Golden designer who's won the most challenges? Meet your double!

Jay and Santino: brothers in ridiculous hats.

Austin decides that his outfit, one any Upper East Side WASP would envy, isn't grabbing him enough attention, so he takes to the floor to announce "You can never be too rich or too thin, I always say. I've already got the thin part down."

And then he twirls. Swear to God.

You can fill in the rest. God, I miss Austin.

Michael Kors then suggests a toast to everyone else. Awww. Michael Kors, you really do care.

Commercials. Back from the break everyone is gossipping about Santino's dress, which has predictably gone from acceptably weird to 100% fug. I give you the next three phrases of development:

OK, that's still looking pretty, but put that extra piece down!

Back away, for God's sake!
It's over. All is lost.

I think Tim summed it up in his podcast: "The poor dear just can't help himself."

And they're back at home. I think we spent the least amount of time in the workroom of any episode, mostly because, as we'll soon see, everyone else's designs are painfully boring. Anyway, Daniel and Santino just can't leave each other alone and continue bitching at each other. Santino allows that he likes DV's dress, and DV does an excellent "flattered" face.

Who, me? Aw, you jest!

Back in the workroom, Kara seems to be struggling with picking up a mannequin, which makes no sense but anyway. Santino refuses to help and she calls him-- well, I'll let it speak for itself:

They can say "dick" on cable? Who knew? Santino confessionalizes that he doesn't want to be the "asshole who's helping everybody," which I'm just going to leave alone for lack of coherence. Tim shows up and criticizes everyone again, finally jumping on the Santino fug-wagon and telling him "It looks like the Renaissance Festival. I'm seeing Guinevere." Santino then says he hopes Michael Kors isn't eavesdropping, which is a funny enough mental image, but pairs it with a pretty decent MK impression:

And FINALLY, the runway. For an episode this boring and uneventful this sure took a while.


This is probably the least impressive of anything Chloe has designed. The seams did this weird thing that made Grace's ass look huge, which everyone pointed out, as Tim predicted. No one is really impressed, with MK giving his classic "I'm underwhelmed." This season's motif of "big ol' butts hiding under there" comes to its glorious apex. Still, Chloe is in for Fashion Week, which is what she's deserved from episode one. Yeah girl.

Daniel-- winner
Everyone picked on Daniel for making such a boring dress, but since he was the only one who made a dress that both fit and wasn't, well, Santino's, he was the winner. Iman had the most interesting comment, saying that the dresses should express the designer's point of view, and this one had none. Iman wins my prize for best guest judge yet. Still, Daniel wins and goes to Fashion Week, which is also what he's deserved all along. I hope I called him and Chloe for the top three long ago, because they were the total shoo-ins.


Oh, Santino. This was the only dress that earned any good MK-isms, including the most astute summation of Santino's style I've heard yet: “I understand the bad boy thing. It’s almost like you’re saying to us, 'I’m smarter than all of you. I know you’re all going to say there’s too much shit all over this dress. But I’m going to do do it and prove my point.” Why, yes, Michael Kors. I'm definitely not underwhelmed. Then, of course, he follows up with "It looks like an explosion in a sequin factory." Good ol' MK, always ready and waiting with his crazy similes. Santino makes it to Fashion Week, which makes me happy in the part of me that loves unnecessary drama happening to other people. Santino, the first one off the runway, has to bend down to the floor and thank Allah all by his lonesome:

There is no God but silk charmeuse, and Michael Kors is his messenger.

Kara-- out
Well, it was about time. Her inability to make decisions, her refusal to infuse an ounce of personal style into her designs, it all pointed toward an elimination. This dress doesn't look bad, but the construction was pretty off, and it was definitely the most boring of a boring bunch. MK tells her "You lost the elegant," and Heidi tells her, "You are out."

Onwards to Fashion Week! But first, a few moments with Kara, who probably had a much better personality than this show ever allowed us to believe:

Auf Wiedersehen.

Next week: reunion show! Whoo! Tim tells them all they're full of shit, Andrae repeats "Where the hell is my chiffon?", Chloe cries and... Tarah shows up? What? Models can talk?

So much hotness on one couch!

See y'all next week.

Too rich AND too thin,


Anonymous said...

dude i can't believe you didnt recap the part where santino was like "I won the challenge!" and vosovic was all like "no I won the challenge". It was AMAZING. or poor misguided, self important santino. how does my love for you prevail?

katie walsh

Katey said...

Holy shit I completely missed that. Man, delusional city.

Anonymous said...

awesome recap.

AJ said...

Katey, fab recap as always!

Thanks for making me laugh audibly at work;)

Anonymous said...

yo heidi klum wasn't smashed nor is she 90 pounds! she is preggers for christ's sake.
- a reader

Tbone said...

MK was certainly doing his best Uncle Tipsy though!

MCsquared said...

no one has mentioned so i will how awesome daniel's model has been all along. she WEARS those clothes, she WALKS that runway, she has attitude, she embodies the clothes, she manages a different look appropriate to each outfit, she is HOT, her hairstyles are just awesome, she carries every one of daniel's design in my book. MAD PROPS

Bad Hair Czar said...

Poor Kara - she lost and she has bad hair.

What really killed me is how the judges told her they liked the outfit she was wearing better than the gown she made.

tiff said...

how have I only just discovered you? awesome recap. even though it was a boring show, it was better than 90% of the other crap on TV. what shall we do in 2 weeks? oh right, project jay!