19 January 2006

we looked like the lost mariachis

In case you were thinking that Project Runway wasn't gay enough,

gaudy enough

adorable enough

or enough like a middle school birthday party

then this week's episode should have solved all of your problems. At the end of it all, my heart is literally warmed. I could not have loved an episode more, which is great news after last week's slumber party of a challenge.

In case you didn't catch it yet, this week's challenge was to design a figure-skating outfit for, in Nick's words, "THE Sasha Cohen," but unfortunately for all of us, not THE Sasha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Ali G.


Before they met this midget of a human being, though, they spent about a day guessing what their challenge would be. I think something happened off-screen that we weren't shown, because Zulema guessed they were designing for airlines, Santino was expecting a chicken suit and Nick says, and I quote, "it could be an outfit for those people who pass out things." Yeah. Well that eliminates, uh, nothing.

The next morning, all the questions are answered by none other than season 1's Robert, who will seriously never go away. Remember when he came back last season after being eliminated to "help" the other designers? Does he have a crush on Tim Gunn or something?

I am the cockroach of couture!

He was dressed as a postal service worker, which of course makes everyone think of last season's challenge to design postal service uniforms. This clue, however, was nothing but a red herring (Damn you, Heidi! Getting all Hitchcock on us!). Inside the boxes were unequivocally the gayest clothing ever seen on this show, and I am including Emmett's straw hat. Figure skating has never looked quite so, well, you decide:

Just in case they weren't gay enough on their own, Emmett puts two and two together!

I guess this is the obligatory part of the post where I explain that I actually love gay people, but cannot think of an adjective that better describes this episode than gay. Nick even sums it up for me, describing Emmett's outfit as "international male gone gay gay gay gay gay." So if Nick said it it's OK right?

Speaking of Nick and gay gay gay... sigh. I have never seen a human being get so excited about ice skating. The designers troop out to what appears to be New Jersey to meet "THE Sasha Cohen," and Nick's facial expressions reach Andrae proportions.

Then, of course, what do you do with five gay men and three drama queens in polyester being escorted by Tim Gunn? Put them on ice skates.

"I can't set myself in motion!"

By the time Sasha Cohen got them all to do the "choo-choo" you saw above, I, like Nick, had died and gone to heaven.

This is our "died and gone to heaven" face.

I probably could have watched them ice skate for the rest of the episode, but look what we got during the design process!

Daniel V. finally revealing how gay he really is by striking a Flashdance pose

and asking for only what's really important
Andrae being allowed to do something as manly as fix machinery and actually saving the day
Some classic excessive Andrae hand motions
and some classic Tim Gunn scowls
and then both of them... together!

To be honest, the entire design process wasn't all that interesting, even with the overlock machine breakdown disaster that didn't actually seem to affect anything. No one was really in disaster territory, no one fought or stole mannequins or made anyone else cry, which was truly disappointing. Santino, as usual, was coming up with some bizarre mix of fug and genius, and Tim gives him the advice Santino apparently never thought of, which is to respond to Michael Kors and Nina Garcia with an attitude that's less "fuck you." Hmm... fascinating. Santino and Tim seemed to solve the issue by making Hitler mustache motions at one another:

In this episode I've realized for the first time that Santino, Daniel, Nick and Andrae are all living together in an apartment while Emmett is living by himself. This time around the boys of 35D spend most of the episode gossipping back in the apartment and snuggling (see above picture of Santino and Andrae), which leads me to want all four of them as my new best friends:

Look at them walk!

Look at them laugh!

In any case, just before the day of judging, Santino expresses his runway attitude by saying "If it comes down to having to eat somebody, I'll eat somebody." Thus ends my desire to move into 35D. Fun while it lasted.

Day of runway. Santino's model actually fights back against his outfit, which has come to increasingly resemble half of Jay's big pink final runway dress from last season.

The runway. First of all, take a look at the designers we're supposed to be taking seriously.
Yes, they chose to wear their figure skating outfits, and yes, the men put their first intitials on their shirts with rhinestones. Yes, there is only one word to describe this, but I think we've covered that territory.

My screencaps can't do justice to the ones on the Bravo website, so here we go:

Chloe can't seem to get away from this color. Still, she managed to create something really gorgeous, really old Hollywood Esther Williams-y, and I was legitimately shocked that she didn't win. So was Chloe. I'm still completely on board Team Chloe, if only because every time she stands next to Santino, the height difference means instant hilarious.

Eh. 'S'all right. They didn't like the tassels, which I thought were what all ice skating outfits are about, but whatevs. Kara is not particularly interesting these days and will probably be one of the next to go.

Daniel V.
Also... nice. More interesting than Kara's, but it looks a lot like lingerie somehow. I think his model is gorgeous, but I guess that's judgment for ANTM, isn't it? Can't get my reality shows confused.

Truly the only question I have is why she is wearing a Zorro mask. I like this outfit, which Andrae described to Tim Gunn as "Princess Cyclone," but can't you imagine that peacock feather falling apart during some triple-lutz? I would definitely watch the Olympics for that.

Lovely, but even I can agree this wasn't the best. Still, I don't think he's had a bad design yet, so long as we pretend the Banana Republic disaster never happened and blame it all on Santino.

Ugh. I hated this design from the moment I saw it, and really don't understand why it won. It looks so... slutty. They jumped all over Emmett for having an outfit that was too vulgar, but this went by? Whatever. Zulema gets on my nerves and I'm hoping after next week's much-hyped walk-off between all the models she turns into hyper-bitch and self-destructs.

Ohhhhh Santino. This was not as bad as the Germany lingerie, but it was close. Michael Kors said it best, and I quote: "Unless she was opening a Thanksgiving pageant and the Indians were chasing the turkey, I cannot imagine.” And the woman on the panel who replaced Nina Garcia for the week (why, God, why?!?) called it "Carmen Miranda on acid." I see Santino headed for Austin Scarlett syndrome, where he keeps designing how he wants to design and gets eliminated for not obeying the challenge. I never thought I would compare those two, but there ya go. Santino just lost his slot for Fashion Week as far as I'm concerned.

I swear to God I wore this dress to a Christmas party in the 80's. The Nina Garcia replacement said the dress showed "entirely too much tootie," which is my favorite comment ever, and the inimitable Michael Kors said it was for an old-lady ice skater. I don't understand the vulgar-old lady contrast, which is a lot like Daniel Franco's lingerie for the retirement home, but whatever. Good riddance, Emmett.

Emmett actually tried to crack a smile as he said goodbye to everyone. Well, he tried.
This falls somewhere near Al and Tipper Gore on the awkward hugs of history scale.

If you've read this far your eyes have probably crossed, but in case you need a crib sheet, this week in short:

Ice skating = gay.

Nick= gay and fantastic.

Tim Gunn= probably gay and definitely growing on me.

Daniel V.= gay and smoldering.

Michael Kors = cattiness as an art form.

...And as if you need motivation to watch next week's episode, just look at this Andrae facial expression we've been promised:

If that's not a vision of a bright future, then the future probably isn't worth it.

Ready to give someone my Auf Wiedersehen today,


PS- We had some problems with layout that may have made this look as Wiggitty-Whack. If this looks Wiggity Whack on your browser, let us know.


Anonymous said...

I loved the first half of this episode so much. The second half I could have done without, but I was sitting by myself cackling when Tim got out on the ice. And yes, Nick was amazing.

I must have terrible taste, though, because dammit I liked Emmett's design. I thought the pattern around the neck was really cool. And I don't care how talented Chloe is, she needs to use a different damned color.

There was actually an article in the NYTimes about figure skating fashion design a few weeks ago. The author was bitching about how campy it is, and wishing for some new, tasteful costuming. How timely.

Katey, I wish I was back at school watching Project Runway with you. These blog posts are amazing, but it's just not the same.


P.S. I just read "Big Boy" in Me Talk Pretty One Day and I know your secret.

Joe John said...

I'm not particularly enthusiastic about this challenge. I think Zulema's is probably the WORST. I don't know how she won because she should have been thrown off...

Emmett's really wasn't THAT bad...he does tend to design in a very old-fashioned way, but HEY! He designs Men's fashion, right? The pattern around the neck reminded me of Diana.

I think I kind of agree with Tim Gunn's take on it. He basically stole all my words.

Andrea said...

That dress is some ugly ass Britney Spears Federline nonsense.