05 January 2006

this ain't my first time at the rodeo

Well, now it comes time for confession #2: not only have I been lazy about my recaps, but I don't have a DVR here at home in lovely South Carolina, and therefore can offer no screencaps. Still, I will try to express to you the inanity and ego-stroking ridiculousness of this most recent episode through the greatest tool known to man: Google image search.

We start with Chloe all broken-hearted about Daniel Franco being voted off; all the attention they're paying to this guy, who was nice and all that but kind of bland, just makes me think that the producers pressured them into voting off Daniel rather than Santino because, let's face it, Santino makes great TV. I mean, the man wears five-inch stilettos. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We get to the runway, Heidi tells us what we already know, they're designing for a socialite, blah blah. When Daniel V reveals that it's Nicky Hilton, it's almost a letdown-- way to choose the most obvious socialite possible (come on, would Paris actually do this? let's be serious here). Still, it promises to be entertaining, if only because Santino says, with a straight face, "Nicky Hilton is an amazing muse." Wait, you mean this Nicky Hilton?

Dressing like Bea Arthur or showing her ass... hmm... yeah, that's class. To be fair, in my image search for her I found more winning outfits than losers, so at least she's beating Paris.

At this point in the episode, though, what's really growing to concern me is what the designers themselves are wearing. Andrae is this episode's winner, sporting not only a Police Academy T-shirt in the beginning of the episode, but a lime-green sleeveless T-shirt and orange short-shorts by the end. Swear to God. Here's a rough visual equivalent of the transformation:

Butch! Killin' shit! to Gayer than those shorts in Wet Hot

As if that weren't enough to deal with, we also have Santino's new choice of a checkered fedora as a hat; my first thought was the football coach in Forrest Gump who is apparently a real person and famous (my parents told me-- football is way too butch for me to know anything about).

Is this how you want your trusted designers dressing? Exactly. I thought not.

ANYWAY. The designers go to the fabric store, Nick speaks to the owner in Spanish for no apparent reason, and Daniel V buys the wrong color fabric, which is like that day in high school where you wore navy blue and black except on national television. Ouch. This is a dilemma for a while, but then he gets over it and makes the dress anyway. Dilemma solved. Bor-ing.

When they finally start designing, the entire room erupts into a fight that appears to be about literally nothing: Kara borrowed Zulema's mannequin, and then gave it back. Still, all the incoherent shouting, with Andrae sitting bug-eyed in the middle, was pure gold. And they never actually showed who yelled "Where the hell is my chiffon?" but I'm assuming it was Andrae based on the way his arms were splayed, Andrae-style, up in the air when Marla stormed by. Andrae is probably the closest human beings will ever come to being Muppets. At the end of it all, before the commercial, they show Nick confessionalizing that he feels competitive with Santino but knows he'll win, because after all, "This ain't my first time at the rodeo." It was at this moment that I updated my status with Nick to Big Gay Crush (BGC). Any man willing to quote Mommie Dearest on national television has my undying love. Next he'll attack Emmett while screaming about wire hangers, and I will never love another man again.

After the break Tim Gunn shows up to critique everyone. I haven't posted a picture of Tim Gunn yet, and I have to note that he is the easiest person to find a good screenshot of, because he has the exact same facial expression no matter what he's talking about.

So Tim Gunn basically shows up and makes this face at everyone (I think he eats a lemon just before going on camera), gives Marla some new-agey speech about "I just want you to be Marla" when he notices that her dress is an exact replica of a dress Nicky Hilton already owns, except fuglier. I'm glad he didn't give her a hug, because I would have just been waiting for his hands to melt into swords and stab her, T-1000 style. Come to think of it, could Tim Gunn just be Robert Patrick's second career?

Give that man a froofy suit and we have a qualified fashion professional! So T-Gunn-1000 goes on to agree with Guadalupe that her dress looks like crap (we'll get into that later), and the sight of Andrae hovering in the background with his short-shorts distracts me from all further thought.

Just before the break, Emmett joins the Fashion Fug Club by wearing a straw hat with a striped shirt that makes him look like a lost member of a barbershop quarter. Or The Music Man.

After the commercial, the designers get all dressed up to meet Nicky and show off their designs. Yes, Emmett keeps the hat on. Yes, Santino wears stilettos. But Nicky Hilton manages to wear the only inappropriate item-- a fuzzy purple cardigan that I swear I owned in preschool. The designers all introduce themselves, Santino offers a business card, Nick says he feels like "one of those Mexican kids in Tijuana" (I think he's Mexican, so I guess I can still love him anyway), and Nicky actually walks away from Marla. I'm guessing that was edited to continue to make us think Marla was getting the boot (even though the preview during the commercial break showed Marla in the next episode), but I would imagine Marla is a pretty boring small-talker. Guadalupe wears a camouflage jacket, which is absolutely inexplicable, and Diana cleans up nice in a sparkly gold dress. The video of the party is intercut with still photos, one of which is Andrae with his eyes bugged out and his hand over his mouth. I guess if you're only going to have one facial expression, that's good enough.

The designers decide to have their own walk-off, which has been heavily featured in the promos and doesn't add that much more than you've probably seen already. But Nick's walk was great. Of course.

The next day, day of the runway show, everyone freaks out per usual. Someone tells their model's hair and makeup person to "think mojitos on the beach," which makes absolutely no sense and I wish I could remember who said it. We get to the runway-- Michael Kors is back! Unfortunately he wasn't in proper bitchy form this time around, but as long as he makes a few nasty faces I'm happy.

So now, the dresses. A lot of them were surprisingly boring, even the ones I thought would turn out to be disasters (Zulema used black leather? WTF?) Here's the most interesting (all photos taken from Project Runway website:


I thought it looked like a combination of the dress Ariel makes out of a wrecked ship in The Little Mermaid (what's the deal with that rope, anyway?) and the dresses made of curtains in The Sound of Music. Apparently I know nothing about fashion, since as you can tell this was the winner.

Absolutely gorgeous. The back is even nicer. And for only $510, it can be yours in auction. Pony up!

Daniel V
Despite all that talk about his fabric disaster, I thought this turned out gorgeous.

I seriously have no words for this one. When she wore the camouflage to the party I kind of understood the olive-green thing, but the pink armband? The weird fabric? THE FLOWERS? They reminded me of this prom dress I tried on once for the sheer fugliness:
Somehow Guadalupe managed to top even the powers of middle America's taste in prom fashion, and that says so much. I can't say I had anything against her, but that dress was a crime, so good riddance.

So it came down to Marla and Guadalupe, and it was pretty clear, even though Marla's dress was derivative, that Guadalupe was out. Whatevs. She didn't add too much to the show as far as I could tell, and I think Marla's scowl will be entertaining for at least a few more episodes.

Next week the designers team up in pairs to work on something, and both members of the losing team are out. Whoah. Apparently Santino starts hating on Diana, which seems equivalent to kicking babies holding puppies in terms of getting yourself hated.

My hopes for next week:
-- Tim Gunn scowls and his face finally sticks that way
-- Zulema stabs Kara with scissors for crying too much
-- Someone burns Santino in effigy

See y'all then!

What have I told you about wire hangers?


Andrea said...

What about Andrae's dress? That thing is purty!

Joe John said...

As usual, I loved Diana. I'm worried that she works with Marla next week. There's clearly a hierarchy of fashion cliques.

The Underdogs: Emmett, Lupe, Diana, Marla...

The Middle Ground: Zulema, Andrae, Daniel V.

The Ones Who Don't Trust Anyone Else Enough or Are Too Cocky to Make Real Friends: Santino, Nick, Chloe

...and then there's Kara. I liked her dress too. Nick's would have been stunning...in a different color. I think the bright, light blue is a little tacky.

Anonymous said...

I quite possibly prefer Totes a la Google Image Search. It's quite hilarious.


Katey said...

I think, barring a Wendy Pepper-style freak of nature, it will be Nick, Chloe and Santino in fashion week. I vote Kara to be the potential Wendy Pepper ringer, and Andrae to possibly sneak in there in the end. I should post this in the actual blog so it's official

katie b said...

Nick is actually half Venezuelan, half Greek. And Andrae's outfits weren't that bad! This ain't his first time in American Apparel.

Where is the buzz about Daniel V's status as hottest reality TV star to date? BUZZ BUZZ GREAT BANGZ.

Daniel V audition video yes yes

i hope he's not gay please god let him not be gay.

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Women Leather Bomber jacket said...

I think, barring a Wendy Pepper-style freak of nature, it will be Nick, Chloe and Santino in fashion week.