21 December 2005

double feature

part four
You know what I mean...those movies that you recognize are completely terrible...but can't stop talking about. The end of the year is for lists...and unfortunately mine has nothing to do with this year...or any year in particular.

8. Carmen: A Hip-Hopera (imdb):

Beyonce should really stick to Walmart commercials.

I'm not saying that she absolutely can't act, but Carmen didn't really help prove the theory that she can. It also proved that she's a really bad rapper. That's not the point. Carmen was groundbreaking-- the first televised hip-hopera. When I was a sophomore in high school, I thought this movie was the shit. I even bought the soundtrack. The thing is...my grandmother could have written better rhymes. I mean, my grandmother could freestyle better than this. If you put a hundred white people into a room with a typewriter...eventually, they'll write Carmen: A Hip-Hopera.

The best moment of this made-for-TV-movie-with-no-commercials is when (Lil) Bow Wow goes to jail with Mekhi Phifer because apparently he was selling drugs...at age 11. At least Beyonce looks hot in a red dress. Too bad her best non-commercial appearance was on Smart Guy.

That was seriously the best episode of Smart Guy.
(T.J. lands a gig as a dancer in a video by Destiny's Child and gets an offer to tour with them for a year, but his dad isn't so sure about the idea. Marcus takes Beyonce to his school dance and tries to slip her his demo.)

Rating: zero street cred

7. Rumpelstiltskin (imdb):

This list would not be complete without a campy horror movie. Considering I haven't seen enough of them, I have to say that this one tops my list. I'm usually overly sensitive to plots that involve children in danger. I nearly shit myself when I tried to watch Child's Play at age 14. So you'd think this movie would really get to me...
  • Woman's husband passes away
  • She has his baby
  • She finds magical artifact that will grant her a wish
  • She wishes he'll come back to life
  • They have hot sex all night long
  • She pulls back the shower curtain the next morning...
  • It is not her husband
  • It is a monster
  • The monster wants to steal her baby
  • And burn it.
The thing is...Rumpelstiltskin is a hilarious villain. Especially when he says things like, "Uncle Rumple's got yer baby!" I don't think I ever laughed more at a movie where a baby could potentially die. And, no, I don't like dead baby jokes.

Rating: zero babysnatchin'

If looks could kill you'd be dead,
Joe John

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