31 December 2005

apologies

The best bad movies I have ever seen has gone on pause for a second because it took me ages to remember what number 5 was. Continuing...

part six
THE TOP TEN BEST BAD MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN
--
5. Ice Princess (imdb):


The phrase "From the studio that brought you The Princess Diaries" means one thing to me. Ok, two. Michelle Trachtenberg will one day hit on one of the Wesleyan Spirits a la Anne Hathaway...and also, one day I will see Michelle Trachtenberg's titties in a movie about gay cowboys.

How can you forget a movie that has a tagline almost rivaling Mad Hot Ballroom's...
"From small town Mathlete, To big time Athlete"

And that's what this movie is about. A dorky girl who uses physics to learn how to become an incredible figure skater. The tagline fails to mention the ambiguously ethnic zamboni driver who she falls for, telling her at the end of the movie that "You can drive my zamboni anytime." He even drives a zamboni to a pond by her house. The plot flaw here is that there is no way that zamboni wouldn't have fallen through the ice.

What are you!?! And why are you related to Kim Catrall and her obviously whiter daughter???

It also fails to mention that the ambiguously ethnic zamboni driver is Kim Catrall's son. As if the premise of this movie wasn't gay enough, let's take into consideration that Kim Catrall is in it...and there are NO TITTIES. None. None of them.

And if you think this movie is simply an inspiring film for young people, you are quite wrong. This is the Mean Girls of figure-skating movies-- Chock Full O'Bitches. There is sabotage...there is crying...there is back-stabbing.

And then there's a great "Mom, I'm not living MY dream...I'm living yours" moment. No tween movie should go without one of those.

Rating:
zero career credibility for Michelle. zero.

Eurotrippin,
Joe John

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