31 December 2005

my two (five) cents

50 Cent has a cousin. A forgotten rapper cousin. He goes by the name Two Five (or 25). This has to be a joke?

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it is.

Fiddy doesn't want to share the spotlight with young Two Five, so he is offering no help whatsoever. It has even been denied by 50's reps that Two Five and Fiddy are related.

While Fiddy is windowshopping and candyshopping and sexshopping, Two Five is determined to become a success.

Good luck Two Five. Though I really suggest a name change. Maybe you can roll with Xzibit and call yourself Xcomunikat'd.

No relation,
Joe John


The best bad movies I have ever seen has gone on pause for a second because it took me ages to remember what number 5 was. Continuing...

part six
5. Ice Princess (imdb):

The phrase "From the studio that brought you The Princess Diaries" means one thing to me. Ok, two. Michelle Trachtenberg will one day hit on one of the Wesleyan Spirits a la Anne Hathaway...and also, one day I will see Michelle Trachtenberg's titties in a movie about gay cowboys.

How can you forget a movie that has a tagline almost rivaling Mad Hot Ballroom's...
"From small town Mathlete, To big time Athlete"

And that's what this movie is about. A dorky girl who uses physics to learn how to become an incredible figure skater. The tagline fails to mention the ambiguously ethnic zamboni driver who she falls for, telling her at the end of the movie that "You can drive my zamboni anytime." He even drives a zamboni to a pond by her house. The plot flaw here is that there is no way that zamboni wouldn't have fallen through the ice.

What are you!?! And why are you related to Kim Catrall and her obviously whiter daughter???

It also fails to mention that the ambiguously ethnic zamboni driver is Kim Catrall's son. As if the premise of this movie wasn't gay enough, let's take into consideration that Kim Catrall is in it...and there are NO TITTIES. None. None of them.

And if you think this movie is simply an inspiring film for young people, you are quite wrong. This is the Mean Girls of figure-skating movies-- Chock Full O'Bitches. There is sabotage...there is crying...there is back-stabbing.

And then there's a great "Mom, I'm not living MY dream...I'm living yours" moment. No tween movie should go without one of those.

zero career credibility for Michelle. zero.

Joe John

29 December 2005

oops, she wants to do it again

Obviously, Britney doesn't know when to cut her losses. According to In Touch, the [former?] pop-star wants to try for baby number two. Right now. With KFed.

The cutest!

Please. I beg of you, Britty. DON'T DO THIS. Not again! He wears socks with sandals! He's a baby-daddy! Ugh. Britney, I just don't know what to do with you. You used to be so classy. Okay, so you were never classy, but whatever. You used to not be....trash.

Maybe YHWH will intervene. We can only hope.

You're toxic,
So you've decided that you don't want to ring in the New Year alone....again. Where are you to turn? Classifieds are sketchy, and Match.com takes so much time/effort (just trust me). Oh, and Missed Connections? Forgettaboutit.

Well, ladies, here's your chance to hook-up with famous rockstar (one generation removed) Sean Lennon:

Like a virgin

He posted his criteria on Page Six, because everyone knows that tabloids are where the high-quality ladies are at:

  • Must have been born female (damn!)
  • Between the ages of 18 and 45
  • An IQ of 130+
  • Honest
  • No clinical or psychological disorders
  • A kind heart
  • No physical deformities

God, celebs are so picky! If only, if only.

Everyday is go Astroboy,

28 December 2005

your body makes me want to blow something up

When your uncle is an international terrorist, what are you to do? Well, if you're a member of the bin Laden family, parading naked in print sounds like a great option.

Can I offer you a [Molotov] cocktail?

Osama's niece Wafah Dufour (hott name, hotter bod) will strut her stuff in next month's issue of GQ. Did I mention that she's an "aspiring musician"? Because she is.

Fuck the pain away,

27 December 2005

hit me, baby

This is only the cover of the single, but I just couldn't wait to debut it here. I just know that KFed is going to walk right into my heart when his album drops, and he'll probably do it wearing socks-and-sandles.

Wow. Greatest album of next year? I think yes.

Who that is? That's just my baby daddy,

24 December 2005

terrible teevee

Christmas Eve for me means spending an entire day in front of the TV wishing that I had something better to do. While spending hours flipping from the Home Shopping Network to ABC Family to the Growing Up Gotti marathon, I came across some pretty terrible things. Here's my top three:

1. The new Splenda ad campaign.

Now, anyone who has ever met me knows that I'm obsessed with Splenda. Screw sugar: that's so 90s. DietCokeSplenda? Amazing. Pillsbury sugar-free cookies sweetened with Splenda? I could eat my weight in them. But the new Splenda ads sketch me out:

Where's my "Splenda Daddy"? I need new shoes.

I just...uhh...think that the double entendre is too much. Sorry. I'd still do Splenda off of Lindsay's boobs any day.

2. Raven on Food Network.

This afternoon I was wrapping presented for my family while watching TV (duh) when stupidass Raven just had to take me on a magical tour of Christmas at Disney World. Ugg (not the footwear). SO annoying. SO sassy. Where does she get off telling me how to spend my Disney Christmas. Now that she's a "superstar" she thinks she the next Jesus. Well, you know what?! Jesus wasn't black, and he didn't have a vagina. Or sass! So there.

3. Comcast's new slogan.

"It's Comcastic"? Are you kidding me?! Please tell me that this is the result of a poorly-planned slogan contest at a Mississippi preschool. God, there's even a website. As if I needed another reason to hate my cable company. I wonder if the sales-reps are required to say "Comcastic!" whenever someone calls to order a new service.

My Splenda Daddy is So Comcastic,

23 December 2005

our spots are different colors

part five

6. The Cheetah Girls (imdb, website):

Cheetah-licious! This classic Disney channel original movie features a random white girl, 2/3 of 3LW and
Raven (a pop diva who fronts a multi-culti girl group on the edge of success). It taught us all that we could live in harmony in the "jiggy jungle"...even if our parents are black! Who can resist a movie with characters named Galleria, Aqua, Dorinda, and Chanel? No one. Raven's performance is spectacular, leaving me thinking "That isn't just SO Raven, it's VERY Raven!" Unfortunately, after the movie was over, Raven peaced out of the Cheetah Girls...leaving only three!

They take a whackin' and keep on snackin'
What I'd give to get my hands on a full mp3 of "The Cheetah-licious Christmas" song!

Rating: zero spots

Never hide the cheetah inside,
Joe John

number 17

Mariah Carey...one step away from being Elvis.
Thanks to "Don't Forget About Us", Mimi is one single away from tying Elvis with 18 number one singles. Once she hits 18, there is no telling whether or not she'll be able to break The Beatles' record...or the insane amount of people who will hate her when this happens. Mariah, you are on fiyah.

Your one and only,
Joe John

the twelve days of (last) christmas

Ok, I have to confess that one of my favorite Christmas songs is "Last Christmas" by Wham! The thing is, I usually hate covers of it.

It's as if the blog Copy, Right? wanted to challenge this notion...because they chose and posted THIRTY THREE covers of this lovely song. Here are my favorites and the ones that make me want to die. You can feel free to guess which ones are which. Here's a clue. I hate Old Navy commercials, and they alternate between "good"* and bad.
  1. YOKO WATANABE- Last Christmas (Japanese pop, this song deserves an accent)
  2. KEISHA CHANTE- Last Christmas (Hello Old Navy commercial)
  3. RAP ALL STARS- Last Christmas (We gonna remix that track, flip it around)
  4. CRAZY FROG- Last Christmas (Run. Now.)
  5. HILARY DUFF- Last Christmas (It makes me feel like I'm in a Disney channel original movie!)
  6. VASCO AND MILLBOY f/ THOMAS B- Last Christmas (Christmas rave!!!)
  7. ZECCHINO D'ORO- Queston Natale (Italian Kidz Bop, brilliance)
  8. BUSTED- Last Christmas (CRY about it emo boy.)
  9. JAMELIA- Last Christmas (That's right. Gimme some SOUL.)
  10. ROSES ARE RED- Last Christmas (Sorry Justin. Too angry.)
  11. SARGE- Last Christmas (I think the charm in this is that it sounds like it should hypothetically be my best friend from high school's older brother's girlfriend's little sister's band.)
  12. RAPHAEL- La Ultima Navidad (This makes me want to OD on eggnog.)
* NOTE: I actually don't think any of these are legitimately good. Though some of them are funny.

Bling bling here! Bling Bling there! Bling Bling everywhere! Take me to the promised land with Bling Bling in the air! BONUS TRACK:

BANAROO- Bling Bling Here, Bling Bling There (Jingle Bells)

Weh-ell it's been, it doesn't slupise me,
Joe John

21 December 2005

cheap and cheaperer

I realize this counts as neither breaking news nor anything you probably care much about, but I want to point out that The New York Times has posted my all-time favorite review: a three-paragraph smackdown of "Cheaper by the Dozen 2." It's as if Laura Kern (what? is Manohla Dargis letting her interns write reviews now?) had started to write a real review and then realized she was just stating the obvious. Way to go.

"Carmen Electra strikes the closest resemblance to anything human"

Wacky and tiresome,


the eighties vs. jay-z

You know...

JAY-Z vs. NENA- 99 Luftproblems

...but have you heard...

JAY-Z vs. A-HA- Take On Papi

Ok, it's not the best. But still. It's worth listening to.

Maybe you'll love me when I fade to black,
Joe John

double feature

part four
You know what I mean...those movies that you recognize are completely terrible...but can't stop talking about. The end of the year is for lists...and unfortunately mine has nothing to do with this year...or any year in particular.

8. Carmen: A Hip-Hopera (imdb):

Beyonce should really stick to Walmart commercials.

I'm not saying that she absolutely can't act, but Carmen didn't really help prove the theory that she can. It also proved that she's a really bad rapper. That's not the point. Carmen was groundbreaking-- the first televised hip-hopera. When I was a sophomore in high school, I thought this movie was the shit. I even bought the soundtrack. The thing is...my grandmother could have written better rhymes. I mean, my grandmother could freestyle better than this. If you put a hundred white people into a room with a typewriter...eventually, they'll write Carmen: A Hip-Hopera.

The best moment of this made-for-TV-movie-with-no-commercials is when (Lil) Bow Wow goes to jail with Mekhi Phifer because apparently he was selling drugs...at age 11. At least Beyonce looks hot in a red dress. Too bad her best non-commercial appearance was on Smart Guy.

That was seriously the best episode of Smart Guy.
(T.J. lands a gig as a dancer in a video by Destiny's Child and gets an offer to tour with them for a year, but his dad isn't so sure about the idea. Marcus takes Beyonce to his school dance and tries to slip her his demo.)

Rating: zero street cred

7. Rumpelstiltskin (imdb):

This list would not be complete without a campy horror movie. Considering I haven't seen enough of them, I have to say that this one tops my list. I'm usually overly sensitive to plots that involve children in danger. I nearly shit myself when I tried to watch Child's Play at age 14. So you'd think this movie would really get to me...
  • Woman's husband passes away
  • She has his baby
  • She finds magical artifact that will grant her a wish
  • She wishes he'll come back to life
  • They have hot sex all night long
  • She pulls back the shower curtain the next morning...
  • It is not her husband
  • It is a monster
  • The monster wants to steal her baby
  • And burn it.
The thing is...Rumpelstiltskin is a hilarious villain. Especially when he says things like, "Uncle Rumple's got yer baby!" I don't think I ever laughed more at a movie where a baby could potentially die. And, no, I don't like dead baby jokes.

Rating: zero babysnatchin'

If looks could kill you'd be dead,
Joe John

number nine

part three
You know what I mean...those movies that you recognize are completely terrible...but can't stop talking about. The end of the year is for lists...and unfortunately mine has nothing to do with this year...or any year in particular.

9. Celeste in the City (website, imdb):

Over spring break 2004, I got really bored and indulged in a long-forgotten hobby-- sitting on my ass and watching television. I somehow watched two romantic comedies with incredibly similar plots. This and Three to Tango. Both involved a guy falling for a girl even though she thinks he's gay. One of them had Matthew Perry and Neve Campbell in it, the other had Nicholas Brendon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a friend of Dorothy and a makeover scene. You can obviously see which one I picked. Why? Makeovers! What better way to draw people into a romantic comedy than to combine it with an episode of Ricki Lake!! And there is enough drama for an entire talkshow in this movie...let me tell you. The guy she likes cheats on her with some office skank, she thinks the guy that does like her is gay because he's an interior decorator...and even little Xander has a romantic plot to himself. There's even a reference to buttsex. Queens! This movie is full of them, perpetuating gays places as the minstrels of our generation. But honestly, who can resist this tagline-- "It takes a lot of people...to be yourself..."

Rating: zero watchability for heterosexual men who are not sensitive interior designers (aka closeted 'mos)

Taking a lot of people to be myself,
Joe John

20 December 2005

a magical christmas of magic

Tweens. Those are the magical creatures Justin and I encountered when we entered the Yule Ball in Cambridge, MA. They were sometimes obnoxious. Sometimes the opening acts were more obnoxious. All in all, the Yule Ball was hilarious, amazing, and rocking.

The hilarity began when Justin and I were approached by an awkward dark-haired girl in a red dress. She nervously told us about the Harry Potter Alliance, which is a good cause...but the information sheet was enough to make any college student laugh. The stick-it-to-the-man organization draws comparisons between our world and Harry Potter's, because "after all, both worlds face dark and difficult times". (from the sheet...)
  • Genocide's return is denied by our media and government the way Voldemort's return is denied by the Ministry and Daily Prophet.
  • Both worlds are plagued by planned attacks on civilians (not to mention hurricanes)
  • Our government continues to torture prisoners just as the Ministry refuses to remove the dementors from Azkaban.
  • Our society continues to exploit Indigenous people, poor nations, and sweat shops just as the Wizarding world does not see Centaurs, Giants, and House Elves as equals
While you may find this funny, especially if like me you were making socioeconomic comparisons between our world and Harry's for a semester, I think they're doing a great thing-- Making teenage fans of Harry Potter aware of their world by comparing it to something they're more familiar with.

Of course I wore my "I Snogged Ginny Weasley" t-shirt. And of course five 14 year old girls complimented it. And of course there was merch. And of course this meant they were selling their Christmas CD.

The Harry and the Potters Magical Christmas of Magic album is pretty great.

It opens with a dance track by Dumbledore (Basically, them)...which is my favorite on the album. At the show, Dumbledore came out and did some breakdancing. It changed my life.

The second track is "All I Want for Christmas" by Draco and the Malfoys. No, it's not a cover of the ever-popular Mariah Carey song...Draco is pleaing to Voldemort that the one thing he wants for Christmas is Harry Potter gone...with a little bit of 80s flavor. This is definitely not the best from these two, who had great songs that night including "My Dad is Rich, Your Dad is Dead" and "99 Deatheaters".

Tracks 3 & 6 are very emo. In three, Stubby Boardman sings about drinking too much Butterbeer on Christmas, which reminds you of your awkward Uncle who drinks too much Jack Daniels. Number six, "Seasonal Depression" by The Whomping Willows, is an acoustic number asking Dumbledore why he made the Whomping Willow with no friends or family.

Track 4 is online and you can listen to it and form your own opinion. It's about snogging Ginny under mistletoe.
HARRY AND THE POTTERS- Meet Me Under the Mistletoe

Track 5, "Money for Christmas" by The Gringotts Goblin Choir is short, sweet, and uneventful.

One of the best songs on the album is brought to us by the strange Uncle Monsterface...who takes the name "Cousin Monsterface" on this song which you can download below. The song was performed with Harry and the Potters coming out towards the end for the Fa La Las. It is adorable and will rock Dumbledore's wooly socks off.

COUSIN MONSTERFACE- In My Room of Requirement (It's Always Christmas)

This track is countered by a sad acoustic song by Neville Longbottom which opens with the line "What's the deal with everyone getting together? The only snogging I get is from my grandmother." Neville talks about how he wants to get some action. We discovered at the show that Neville is apparently a short, lanky, Asian boy. This is probably the third best song on the album.

The album closes with "Christmas at Hogwarts" a song reminiscent of pretty much every other Harry and the Potters song, with a little bit of Christmas flava. It's not about the presents, it's about spending the holidays with the ones you love. A great message for all ages.

Buy the album NOW...or be stuck listening to shitty Christmas songs on the radio.

Also, please note that Harry and the Potters made Pitchfork's list of the top five concerts of the year. Yeah, a concert in a LIBRARY was one of the most rocking concerts of the year.

There's Never Too Many Socks for Christmas,
Joe John

19 December 2005

honorable mention pt 1...

part two
These movies didn't quite make my personal list, but I figured they deserved an honorable mention. It's funny...because everything mentioned so far involves BOOBS. Boobs are funny.

Ski Trippin' (website):

Featuring the comic stylings of Poochman, Tommy "2 Smoov", and Eddie Hustle. This movie would have been higher on the list, except for one small thing-- it's impossible to watch. This movie is low budget. The sound is terrible, causing you to have to sit in front of your television with your ear against the speakers. I seriously think the filmmakers rented out a hotel and recorded with their mother's digital video camera. The other thing is...the title implies that snow will be involved. It is not. The movie fully acknowledges this in one scene. The story is told by a narrator on a park bench. He is telling it to "random white dude". At some point, random white dude says, "Wait guys...if this is ski trip, why isn't there any skiing?" There is a minute of laughter until finally the narrator states, "There ain't no skiin' on ski trip!!!" And he's right. There is no skiing. "Ski trip" is another word for bachelor party circle jerk material apparently. One of the scenes is a wet t-shirt contest where a guy has some "hoes" get all wet under a shower head and then gropes their crotches to make sure they're all wet...um...down there. Then these girls grind together topless. This scene is sure to go down in film history.

Rating: zero ironic enjoyment

Who Let the Hogs Out?,
Joe John

18 December 2005


part one
You know what I mean...those movies that you recognize are completely terrible...but can't stop talking about.

10. Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the Ring (imdb):

I'm no connoisseur when it comes to Lord of the Rings, so this probably wasn't as funny as it should have been. Ok, the thing is...it's not really funny or clever at all. The humor is incredibly vulgar...including a main character called Dildo Saggins, who is a "throbbit". The other thing is...it's softcore porn. And it's not sexy. At all. You find yourself wanting to fastforward through the sex scenes because they're boring. "Man! They're licking boobs...again???" I'm not just saying that for obvious reasons. The funny thing is...I heard about this from my cousin who was 14 at the time. She was like, "I turned on some movie channel one night and I thought I was watching Lord of the Rings, because I just didn't really know what it was about. Then it turned out to be porn." Then I watched it when I was in Alpha Delt. Obviously. No offense, but where else would I have seen this!?!

Rating: zero boners

My Precious,
Joe John

17 December 2005

silent night, holy cow

I think my new favorite part of the holiday season is the iTunes music store, specifically the customer reviews of "Silent Night" by The Click Five...

Why am I not surprised? (1 star)
Leave it to one of the most power-ish bands out there to ruin Christmas classics. These guys don't even deserve one star. THEY ARE IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY TO MAKE MONEY. They don't write their own stuff. If you wanna listen to something pop but listen to someone who actually does write their own stuff and writes music to write music, listen to Savage Garden. Those two actually have incredible voices, yet they are way underrated.

Christmas at it's best (5 stars)
This song is one of the best christmas songs i have heard in a long time!...

gay (1 star)- 8 out of 22 listeners found this helpful
Click Five is GAY!!!

wow (5 stars)
absolutely amazing...The Click Five have taken a classic Christmas song and made it very enjoyable to listen to. This version od Silent Night is not like any other. Eric Dill's amazing vocals are sure to leave you in tears.

~!Katie~! NO WAY (1 star)

i SuPpOrT tHem (5 stars)
hEy ThIs SoNg AiNt ThE bEsT. iTs nOt lIkE mY uSuAlL mUsIc... i AgReE, buT i SuPpOrT tHeM tHeY r My NeIgHbOrS. AcTuAlLy ThEy wErE. ThE lEaD sInGeRs PaReNtS lIvE nExT tO mE sTiLl!!! jUsT lIsTeN tO tHeRe nEw cD!!!* mUaH kIss KiSs

Ouch (1 star)
I'd rather listen to rats squeak as they tore off my ears, then to have to listen to this atrocity.

I Like What There Doing (5 stars)
This is pretty cool that a mainstream band has slowed things down and has taken in the Christmas Spirit to sing about Jesus. This blew my mind when I first saw it and it rocks, softly.

The Click Five should burn in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (1 star)- 18 out of 44 listeners found this review helpful
This is a bunch of Bull S$%$ Destroy this band!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And one more thing the Bass player is banging a 17 year old from Waltham, MA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does everyone hate this so much? (5 stars)
Ok... this doesn't make sense? the first review is telling them to burn in hell for singing about our savior (jesus) !? I don't even like this band that much, but it's crazy that people hate them for singing about jesus?! What's wrong with you? You guys should be ashamed!

The Beatles (1 star)
these dudes are such wannabes, they look like the Beatles. They sound like girls.

5 STARS (5 stars)
OMG! u stupid idiots u dissed the click five in their music. me and my friends kaitlin and sara 4 gunna kill u! me and sara were reading all the reviews and i think u stupid idiots that criticized the click five should jump off a cliff and land on barneys face. then ur brain will land on ur foot and ur guts will splatter everywhere! i lov the click five, and if you dont then dont review bout them u littl piece of morons!!! grrr im gunna kill evryone!
p.s. im kooler than jerred
p.s.s. victoria, sara, and kaitlin rule the school!

CLICK 5 SUCKS (1 star)

My MOM listens to better songs than this,
Joe John

not just the gay girl

Have you seen Kim in GO NYC??? The photos are gorgeous and the article is great. Check it out. Someone please tell me who asked her to sign their stomach...?

She looks amazing! You know what else is amazing? The addition of Katey to totesumbrellas.

Changin Lives,
Joe John

pop culture cliffnotes

If you're too lazy to dig through ONTD for all the latest dish, let me provide you with a table of contents.
  • Mariah Carey is almost the new Elvis.
  • Hilary Duff continues to be the saint of teen pop queens.
  • Talan from Laguna Beach now has a record deal with Joe Simpson, as in Jessica and Ashlee's daddy.
  • Luke Wilson has an awkward johnson.
  • Desperate Housewives go to China!
  • Mary J. Blige schools Mimi with 4 out of 5 stars.
  • Lindsay Lohan replaces Cokehead Kate as the new face of Chanel, also calls Paris Hilton a bitch in the process after mistaking her for Paris, France.
  • West Wing actor John Spencer passes away at 58.
  • The White Stripes act stupid.
  • Jamie Foxx was racist because of racism, but still wants to get some white bitches.
  • John Mayer (of all people) calls Kanye West a pussy.
  • Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams get stalked.
  • Jennifer Lopez writes love songs about leaves or so me shit like that.
And some stuff from my fave blogs...
My life on the Z List,
Joe John

16 December 2005

here she is, boys! here she is, world!

Wow. So after witnessing the noble birth of the baby now known as Totes Umbrellas, and after being one of the first fans and reading every time I finished a sentence in a paper and felt like I deserved a break, Joe John has given me the keys to the castle. No more playin' the lounge for this girl-- I'm workin' the big room.

My name is Katey, and after months of being a Totes groupie, I'm joining the team. It's like when they finally let George join the Beatles, or in "West Side Story" when Anybodys gets to fight in the rumble.

Stay cool, boy.

I'll be here to post basically whatever I find on the internet that entertains me and relates to pop culture, which are usually the same thing. My goal is to start having Project Runway recaps each week, complete with screencaps, but at the moment I'm in the midst of finals, so be patient, loved ones. I might also have movie reviews or writing about whatever else strikes my fancy-- I'm not much of a linker, so I'll make up for it by boring you with my own writing. Huzzah.

For now I'll link you to my absolute favorite recap blog ever, Four Four. Now that ANTM is over it might not have the same joy, but we'll see. And just to prove I can, a screencap of my favorite reality TV star ever, Andrae.

I'm not supposed to be crying, JESUS!

Sitting at the grownup table,

her milkshake fails to bring the boys to the yard

Sinternet has some links to the new joint by Kelis. It's not that impressive as a single, especially next to "Milkshake". Honestly, "Bossy" is one of the worst Kelis songs ever...this is coming from someone who has all three of her albums. And to be self-aware of my condescending attitude about Kelis, I knew she had three albums.

On another note, here's a new song by D4L...which is a terrible follow-up to "Laffy Taffy", as it sounds similar and has no comedic value.

D4L- Betcha Can't Do it Like Me

The Boys are Waiting,
Joe John

a lesson in blog etiquette

In the past 5 hours, totesumbrellas has simultaneously received some good blog lovin' and some shattering criticism.

First off, we got a link off of Yeti Don't Dance, mostly thanks to Holly's great find of the Jose Gonzalez Sony Bravia commercial.

Next, though, I got in trouble with two very popular mp3 blogs for directly linking to their shiz. I'm sorry Craig and Sean...I'm not quite up on the unwritten laws of blogging. In the future, I will be more considerate of your bandwidths.

What does this mean to you, our reader?

For you, you may just have to go through more than one link to download a song...not that big of a deal.

What does this mean for me?

I'm going to have to go back and alter some links that Said the Gramophone and songs: illinois provided...or pretty much any blog where I can recognize where the link is from.

Someone ::COadam?UGH:: needs to teach me how to post songs to my Wesleyan webspace. That way, I wouldn't have to bother stealing songs from other mp3 blogs.

Mama Told Me,
Joe John

bounce bounce

If you have yet to see the Bravia commercial brought to my eyes by the lovely Holly...then you need to get up on this shit. It involves 250,000 bouncy balls freely bouncing down the street. No CGI. As if that wasn't enough, Jose Gonzalez's cover of The Knife's "Heartbeats" is playing. It's seriously a visual orgasm.

For extra fun, try muting the commercial and playing other songs. "Hey Ya" and "Don't Fear the Reaper" are particularly hilarious, as brought to our attention by Nicole. Pretty much ANY song works.

For the 5 millionth time...

15 December 2005

members only

Add this song to the mix below...

EMMY THE GREAT- My Party is Better Than Yours
(courtesy of artists' website, knowledge of emmy the great's existence thanks to songs:illinois)

A Mix to Delete Facebook Friends to:

by Anika Clay of the Facebook Livin' facebook group

The Go! Team - Friendship Update
The Beach Boys - Hang On To Your Ego
Josie & The Pussycats - Pretend To Be Nice
The Mendoza Line - We're All In This Alone
The Sleepy Jackson - Tell The Girls That I'm Not Hangin' Out
The Hope Of The States - Enemies/Friends
The Wrens - I've Made Enough Friends
I Am Kloot - I Wanna Be Alone
A Song About A Friend- Atmosphere
Simon & Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

I mean, you honestly don't even need the other songs...Emmy pretty much sums up what it's like to de-facebook someone...or not inviting them to your 9th birthday party.

You're not invited,
Joe John


I love you.

Combining fashion and science,
Joe John

merry mp3s

New and beautiful Sufjan from I Am The Resurrection: A Tribute To John Fahey...

SUFJAN STEVENS- Variations on 'Commemorative Transfiguration & Communion at Magruder Park'
(link courtesy of gorilla vs. bear)
and from the same album
(link courtesy of some velvet blog)

New Belle & Sebastian, even though those of you that care probably already have the new album by now...

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN- We are the Sleepyheads
(link courtesy of gorilla vs. bear)

Hey, remember The Postal Service? Yeah. They still exist. Check them out covering John Lennon and support Amnesty International if you have a heart...

Jose Gonzalez covers a Kylie Minogue song I don't know...

oompa loompa tyra-dee-doo

With the reunion show behind us, I think it's time to let go of ANTM and let Project Runway take over. But before we do so, let me just say one last thing...

Tyra Bank's hair on the finale...

Oompa Loompas...

I need not go on.

Snozberries taste like snozberries,
Joe John

14 December 2005

gayest post. ever.


Ursher is joining Fiddy Cent in the realm of making homophobic comments. When asked about the infamous orgies that he attended with P. Diddy...the subject of homosexual activity came up. Ursher responded...

"There was women on women but never man on man. Shit, nowhere near that! No one I ever roll with or ever would have roll with would get down like that."

Usher also states how he wants an Oscar. He is surely on his way with movies like In the Mix. Maybe he should think about playing a gay cowboy if that's his ambition.
Let me just say that these two men should not be talking about gayness...

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Women can have the motorized version of him...because after seeing that picture, no chick is going to believe he is actually straight.


Speaking of gangsta, let's talk about how Brokeback Mountain is making it Connecticut debut in Stamford TOMORROW. Now that's gangsta.

Stupid Ted C has another blind item...Stealth Stud. The ONTD kids think it's Tom Cruise or Heath Ledger.

Also, Jakey G got close with his sister's suitor, Peter Sarsgaard on the set of Jarhead. If by close, you mean close to his crotch.

"I considered that it was him trying out for my sister's hand. (translation: vagina) I'm not saying whether he succeeded, but that's what it was. I think Maggie revelled in it - I think she was (sexually) excited for both of us. And we came out of it closer, that's for sure."


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First Lindsay, now Paris too! Brunette invasion.


I'm talking about Brandon Routh's peen obviously.

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Rumors are about that Superman's bulge is a bit too much for producers. His junk is about to get as digitally hidden as Lindsay Lohan's boobs in Herbie: Fully Loaded. Might I also add that I originally typed "Rumors are about that Superman's bulge is a bit too much in producers." As if the tights weren't gay enough.


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Behind these Hazel Eyes is this woman...looking way 2 punk rock 4 this. Read the article and understand the DARKNESS that is Kelly Clarkson.

(and then some + a bag of chips)

The new Amanda Bynes "film" looks like quite a winner. It's like Shakespearian or something!

When a teenage girl, Viola, discovers that her soccer team has been cut from her school, she disguises herself as her twin brother and takes his place at his new boarding school for two weeks. Comedy ensues when she falls in love with her new roommate, Duke, and finds herself the object of affection of the beautiful Olivia, the girl whom Duke loves. Things get even more complicated when her twin brother, Sebastian, finally turns up.

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Is Jessica Simpson gonna take a walk down Wisteria Lane? Rumors are about that she's going to have a guest spot on Desperate Housewives. The reps say that this is bullshit. I also agree...because they done turned Britney down too.

Is Bareback Mountain sold out?,
Joe John

PS- Billy Elliott = not gay

good news

You've been pretty good this year, so I'm here to deliver some good news and...um...cheer.

Arrested Development = dunzo?

Not if Showtime can help it!


All I Want For Christmas is You,
Joe John

new vs. old

So I was one of the few who stood by the fact that Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine sounded better in it's leaked, unfinished state than the final version released to the real world. I thought it sounded genuine, not overly produced.

Unfortunately, I wonder whether it is actually better or if it's some stupid psychological bullshit having to do with liking what I heard first.

This is where I test my judgement...You don't have to like this song or artist, but can somebody give me feedback on which one they think is better?

NELLIE McKAY- Cupcake (live)
NELLIE McKAY- Cupcake (studio)

Maybe they're not even as drastically different as I think...maybe they're good in their own ways. I'm just not sure where I stand. I do know which one I prefer though...

Won't U Please Be Nice,
Joe John

no more mash-ups

OK...this is where I draw the line. At this point, mash-ups should never ever be allowed again.

What do you get when you take one of the most overrated (yeah, I said it!) artists of the year and combine them with one of the most mind-blowingly catchy yet atrocious pop songs of the year?

Hump My Tunnel (mp3): a mash-up of The Black Eyed Peas and The Arcade Fire...

I'm a firm believer that mash-ups should enhance both songs involved (99 LuftProblems- Nena vs. Jay-Z), or take two songs that you sort of forgot about and bring them together in a beautiful way (Doo Wop Move Your Feet- Junior Senior vs. Lauryn Hill). It seems that most mash-up makers are just taking two songs that have a cute combined title. Sorry...but not everything can be a Stroke of Genie-us.

Me Against the Monkey,
Joe John

12 December 2005

lips like two water beds

Supermodel Jenny Shimizu is basically letting Brad Pitt on a little bit of Ludacris knowledge that he should be aware of...

"You can't turn a ho into a housewife."

Jenny has released details of her long lesbian relationship with Angelina Jolie. If you don't remember who Jenny was, recall the episode of ANTM where some random "queer minority" model popped in. That was her. She also modeled for Calvin Klein and starred alongside Jolie in Foxfire.

Jenny has also let us know that it's not over. Whenever Jolie calls, Jenny comes to play. Whether or not the two are still doing it remains pretty vague. Sometimes they explore the jungle!

The Jiggy Jungle?,
Joe John

facebook livin pt. 2

You may have heard already, but Nicole Linkletter of ANTM is on facebook. I am not even kidding. Global search her if you don't believe me.

Unfortunately, she will NOT friend you, or maybe she just thought I was ugly.

However, I have come up with a scheme. In the spirit of Nsami..."yo poke that bitch! poke her poke her poke her!" Poke her. I have this theory that then she might love us...or really hate us. Poking is a lost art on facebook. Maybe she'll recognize this.

Also, Jayla doesn't even have time for her fans so what makes you think she has time for haters??? So stop trying to friend her on myspace.

Ok, so all of this is old news...but whatever. Let's poke Nicole.

I'm a skinny ass bitch that likes to poke holes in things,
Joe John

06 December 2005

Your new favorite song

Only something as glorious as this could make me crawl out of my dark, dark academic cave:


Eliza Ford's birthday party (this Friday, 159 Vine) officially has a theme.

Sweeping the nation,


On another movie note, the teaser trailer for X-Men 3 is now online. I have previously expressed concern over where this series was heading...and I'm still not quite sure. One thing I do know...is that I hate Kelsey Grammar's make-up as Beast.

You Wanna Be This Queen Bee But You Can't Be,
Joe John

rugged gay love

Aww! Hugs!

Surprise, Surprise, LOGO had a special on Brokeback Mountain (it comes out this Friday) a few hours ago. Since we at Wesleyan don't get LOGO (irony), we'll have to settle for the ONTD screencaps. Gay cowboys await.

Everyone wants to be a cowboy,

PS: no homo!

04 December 2005

totesumbrellas december mixtape

DECEMBER...a glorious time when all your favorite mp3 blogs are littered with Christmas music and lists of the top albums/bands of the year. First of all, what's up with all the Christmas songs? Can we get some Hannukah and Kwanzaa love up in here? Or how about someone writes some music for Christmukkah or Chrismahkwanzaakah? Speaking of Chrismahkwanzaakah...has anyone else seen the commercials for some phone service that are offensive as all hell...with the gay elf and the Buddhist? They make me more uncomfortable than I'd be if I walked in on my momma and Santa boning. And the top album/band lists?...TOTESUMBRELLAS DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.

But enough chatter...I made this mix with the entire span of December in mind. I also made it somewhat Wesleyan-centric and Christmas-centric (sorry again, Jews and others). I'd let it speak for itself, but I feel like I need to explain this time.
  1. PANTS YELL!- New # 4: Ok, so it's right before finals. You have a whole shitload to do. The holiday season is approaching and you dread your holiday shopping, and don't really know when you'll ever get it done. Damn Christmas songs full of bells are all over the radio. Bah Humbug.
  2. CUFF THE DUKE- Ballad of a Lonely Construction Worker: As you're walking on campus, you notice the construction workers out in the cold weather. You complain about the weather, but forget those who are out in the cold all day so you (or people several class years below you) can have a brighter tomorrow. For once, listen to that construction worker's lonely song. How sad.
  3. MY PROJECT BLUE- Control of Me: You're up late writing a paper. You start browsing facebook, procrastinating...checking totesumbrellas ::thumbs up, cheesey grin:: Then you look out the window. You start dreaming of a special someone in your life or happy times. Dazed out.
  4. NELLIE McKAY- Cupcake (live): I'll admit that I really just picked this one because I think Nellie is great December music. Nelly is made for July. However, it is dedicated to Jim McGreevey. Imagine that you mentioned him in a paper for the Government or American Studies class you're probably not taking. What Evs.
  5. LEEROY STAGGER- Just in Case: You're taking part in a holiday gift exchange. You told a friend what you were getting your assigned person. They told said person even though you specifically told them not to. Then they also got high and told everyone that they read in your journal that you had an eating disorder. Then you realized you were just watching an episode of Degrassi (old skool). Bitch please.
  6. ASHLEE SIMPSON f/ MISSY ELLIOTT- L.O.V.E. remix: It's the last day of classes...reading week is officially here and you're going to go out with your gurlz and have a hott time. You're going to get so crunk that you'll even dance to this song. Get down.
  7. CANSEI DE SER SEXY- J. Lo (Missy and YYY remix): It's still reading week. You're still having fun. You hear "Jenny from the Block" at a party. Suddenly, you wish you were J. Lo. She doesn't have to take exams...and she's really been on Oprah. You wish.
  8. ESL- Side By Side: You just slept through your exam. You're kind of sad now. You listen to a song that sounds sad but really has nothing to do with your situation. Oh shit.
  9. JOSE GONZALEZ- Heartbeats: You were sad, but then the sweet acoustic sounds of Jose soothed your troubled soul...now you feel a little better especially since the professor is letting you take the exam tomorrow. Yay Jose.
  10. THE PIPETTES- It Hurts to See You Dance So Well: YES!!! It's done. EVERYTHING. Now you can go home. Go there.
  11. THE WAITRESSES- Christmas Wrapping: On the ride home, this song comes on. Feeling a little better about life, the song actually doesn't sound that bad. You blast it on your radio and sing along to the refrain. You would put your windows down and stick your head out of the window, except you'd freeze. So cold.
  12. JAMES BROWN- Santa Claus, Go Straight to the Ghetto: James Brown requires no explanation on any mix CD.
  13. OH NO! OH MY!- Walk in the Park: This song just defines December. It's filled with "bah-dah-bah-bah"s that are reminiscent of those "tra la las" in Christmas songs you hate though tinted with seemingly sarcastic happiness. It includes a line "Please don't ask me all those questions I don't know" which is so perfect for finals time. Then there's a twist at the end. It highlights all the ups and downs of December.
  14. THE GO TEAM!- We Listen Everyday: Bring in the new year.
SO...that concludes the december mixtape.

BUT...before you go off to your busy Decembers, let me leave you with another gift.

(for the sake of Jesse)

Random girl lip-synching Pavement's "Elevate Me Later" on video next to a highway.
Hilarious moments.
(for the sake of hipsters)
I love how she pops back into the frame after the first verse. It makes me laugh every time. Definitely worth watching even if you don't like Pavement or ::gasp:: don't know who they are.

It's not funny like ha ha,
Joe John

03 December 2005

tyra, tyra, tyra

They're all real, people

Tyra Banks is retiring. From modeling. She will no longer be strutting her stuff in Vicky's slut-wear. I don't know about you, but a single tear just dripped over my nose and down my luscious face. She's only 32! Why, Tyra?! WHY? You look great, and I wanna kinda be able to see your cooch for a little longer. Oh, the pain. It's almost unbearable. Here's an interview with her about retirement to help ease the heartbreak.

Unfortunately for me, she is not retiring from America's Next Top Model. I guess I'll just have to put my dreams of becoming America's Next Top America's Next Top Model Judge on hold. Sigh. At least I can be excited about the fact that the sixth season of ANTM has already begun shooting!!

Do you wanna be on TOP?

cho chang what have i done

Harry and the Potters are releasing a Christmas album!!!

And if that wasn't enough to fuel your masturbation for five months, THEN HOW ABOUT A LEGIT YULE BALL???? December 18th in Cambridge, MA...Harry and the Potters will be performing and it's sure to be the best time of my life. Let's make it the best time of our lives.

Does anyone remember when I got them to come to Wesleyan? I do. Because now they're totally famous. So famous that I got knocked out of the top fans on last.fm

Saving Ginny Weasley,
Joe John

02 December 2005

chewing gum

Dear Adam,

Annie is the cutest.
Thank you.

Me Plus One,
Joe John