14 November 2005

confessions on a blogspot

It seems that the world is obsessed with telling their secrets right now...or keeping them? For this reason, the theme of this post is CONFESSIONS.

CONFESSIONS...ON A DANCEFLOOR

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"If you don't like my attitude, well you can F off. Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf?"

Madonna recently played her much talked about new album Confessions on a Dancefloor for a bunch of dudes who were going to write reviews about how wonderful it is. The CD was flown into Ft. Lauderdale airport under armed guard. The CD was picked up by her brother, who delivered it to the DJ for the night. Afterwards, it was DESTROYED "so it didn't fall into the wrong hands". Obviously, they mean terrorists. Meanwhile, with all this "high security", new short-lived links of the leaked album pop up every second.
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CONFESSIONS...OF A BROKEN HEART
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"I have a crush on every boy."

Lindsay Lohan seems less than broken recently. I mean, there's only one way to go after Herbie: Fully Loaded...up. Rumors have been circulating that her and Jared Leto are finally official...but these screen caps from TRL have fans speculating that they may be past the dating phase and are already engaged. "A friend" has already said that she's hot to marry Leto. They grow up so fast these days. Please, let's note that Jared was 29 when Lindsay made this movie...

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She was the perfect doll. Now she's the real thing.
FEATURING Tyra Banks...
If anyone owns a copy of this, may I watch it immediately? Thanks.

Lindsay may also be attending NYU in the near future.
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CONFESSIONS...OF A SCIENTOLOGIST GIRLFRIEND
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"SHIT...I'm pregnant!!!"

Katie Holmes has recently confessed that she is nervous about her silent birth. A source says, "Katie is being taught that the experience is painless and an enlightening one, but she knows better." Silent births require no sound from the mother delivering the child or anyone in the room, with the belief that any noise will traumatize the newly born child. Apparently L. Ron Hubbard never experienced his vagina stretching to the size of a watermelon. Maybe I'm assuming too much...
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Speaking of Tyra, how about...

CONFESSIONS...OF A TOP MODEL
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"I eat ice cream in bed."

Ok, so Justin posted this earlier, but can we please talk about it more? I mean, can we just talk about nothing but ANTM all the time? Like how Tyra made two girls cry and then told them they were going to London? You have to love the look of pure terror on Jayla's face...and the look of shock/WTFness on Nicole's.

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"WE'RE GOING TO LONDON!"

Can we also talk about how amazing Kim looked in her last two shoots? She has little time left on the show folks! Tune in this week.
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CONFESSIONS...OF AN HEIRESS?
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"Simone and Paris have similarities."

No, actually...it's the other heiress. The one living in the shadows. And her book is The Truth About Diamonds, a soon-to-be-classic modern novel which the adorable Tom Martin demanded I ship to him immediately and also demanded that I mention that an Israeli grandmother said he was handsome. Now, you can read chapter 1...ON THE INTERNET. Nicole Richie. You amaze me. Talking shit about Paris fictionally?!? Art is totally imitating life. If only Kim had talked about her fellow reality tv castmates fictionally, then there wouldn't be such a backlash! You should have put it in a book Kim...On another note, here is an interview in which Nicole deems herself an all-around "entertainer".
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CONFESSIONS...OF HERMIONE
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"I've always wanted, more than anything, to just mush in with everyone else"

Yes Emma Watson, I'm sure this is true. And I'm sure you'll be very successful at mushing in with your $5000 Chanel dress. More here from a girl who is inappropriately attractive for her age. Seriously, when I was doing lifeguard training...the 35 year-old instructor said he'd hit it.
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CONFESSIONS...OF AN EMANCIPATED MIMI
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"I want to cut my hair. If I do, it will be for charity."

What does that mean??? Like, you'll donate it to Locks of Love? Or will there be a huge televised telethon? For every $10,000 that we receive to feed the homeless, Mariah Carey will cut off an inch! Speaking of the homeless, check out the best photoshopping blog in existence, Arrase ao lado do mendigo.

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CONFESSIONS...WAS THE TITLE OF MY ALBUM
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"I love the poon."

It looks like Usher may be the next celeb to show up on the shelves of your local porn store. Videos of him with two women doing it to the sounds of his ex-girlfriend's (Chili from TLC) golden hit "Waterfalls" are said to exist. Just when he thought he could say all he could say, just when we thought we could see all we could see. Oh Ush!
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CONFESSIONS...OF FLOWER FILMS
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"He's just not that into you."

Drew Barrymore's production company Flower Films is set to team up with writers from Sex and the City to produce a movie entitled He's Just Not That Into You. Other films by the flowery production company include the Essie Lash facebook-endorsed Fever Pitch, Donnie Darko, and Olive the Other Reindeer. Drew, I did you justice by leaving Fifty First Dates off that list. Oops.
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CONFESSIONS...OF THE WESLEYAN STUDENT BODY

My Favorite Anonymous Confessions
A report by Joe John
  • "I have to try really, really, really hard not to call things gay or retarded."
  • "I'm reading this and I don't even go to Wesleyan."
  • "I don't like indie music."
  • "Posting here isn't making me feel better."
  • "I just found out (2 mins ago?) that I have forgotten how to kiss."
  • BEST THREAD EVER: "I masturbated to a picture of Max Goldblatt today", see his reply
  • "I bought one of Creed's CDs. I beat all your confessions. All I can say is, thank God this is anonymous.
  • "I'm developing a crush on Mike Litwack based purely on the comments about him posted on this board."
  • "You guys, my kitten is like, kind of small. Woah, how'd she get so small?"
  • "my roommate is so pretty. her friend is over here putting makeup on her because she has some fancy thing to go to. and she is so so so so pretty."
  • "how can i be a hipster i really want to be one. they are just so exclusive. what do i need to do besides dressing like them?? does anyone know?!?!"
That was only in 1/3 of the pages. Ten pages of confessions is all I can handle.
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Confessing that I spent way too much time compiling this and half of these aren't even confessions,
Joe John

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

not just handsome, the most handsome boy she's ever seen.

melly sexy cool said...

so much to absorb, only one thing I have a ready comment for!

So this sex tape of Usher, the first thing that came to mind is "well, does he only do it with these girls for 3.5 minutes or does he put the song on a loop?" and then I realized, "Maybe Joe John meant that there's a sex tape that enterprising porn producers later dubbed 'Waterfalls' into." But then I ended up back at my original question!

So if it ISN'T on a loop, what's the next song? Is he just playing a Crazy Sexy Cool cd? (in which case the next track would be an "Intermission-lude" followed by the appropriately named "Let's Do It Again") Is it instead a special "passive agressively insulting my ex" mix? The world has to know!

Andrea said...

This is the most amazing post ever. Kudos.

Max said...

Nothing gets me more turned on than when people blog about what other people say about me. This is getting too self-reflexive for it's own good. Let's make this the UnAnonymous Confession Board and figure out who in the hell masturbated to a picture of me... or, rather, who wrote it as a joke, meaning that they came up with the idea that masturbating to a picture of me is somehow funny. No, you couldn't make that up. Could you?