31 October 2005

sweet sexteen

Squint.

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If you look hard enough at this nearly microscopic print you can feast your eyes on the 23-year-old "beauty" that has stolen the heart of America's favorite British icon...

Yes. Of course I mean Daniel Radcliffe, otherwise known as the IRL (in real life) embodiment of Harry Potter.

EDIT: Here is the full body picture.
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Her name is Amy Byrne. If you're in the Daniel Radcliffe Appreciation Group on facebook, you better get your guns ready!

For the full story, check out this article. Apparently, young Daniel travels quite far to "get (his make-up) done" by Byrne.

You couldn't tell little Jackie nothin',
Joe John

pineapple princess

Someone please explain to me why Shia LeBeouf of television series The Even Stevens and the Great-American film I-Robot is trying to be a real actor...please?

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Look...I know this article is primarily about LiLo, but note the absurdity that this boy is not just doing shitty golf movies (ie: The Greatest Game Ever Played...title of the movie, not my opinion. I think figure-skating is more intense than golf)...he is doing legit "indie" films.

Ok, let's also note that they refer to a film with Demi Moore, Anthony Hopkins, Elijah Wood, and Sharon Stone about Robert F. Kennedy's assassination as INDIE. I'll be right back...I need to go watch some indie films like...G.I. Jane, Ghost, and...hmm...Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

While we're at it let's look at who else is in this ALL-STAR cast...ok?

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Yes, that's right! Rapper/actor Nick Cannon! Star of the should-have-been-nominated-for-an-Oscar comedy/action film The Underclassmen! And writer of an excellent pro-life hip-hop song! Everything is so much more exciting and sarcastic when I add an exclamation point!

Get Schooled,
Joe John

29 October 2005

not so naked

You may remember me mentioning that Robin Thicke, son of Alan Thicke (the dad on Growing Pains), making a song with Pharrell Williams that is guaranteed to get girls naked. Well, ladies, take a listen to the song.
ROBIN THICKE f/ PHARRELL WILLIAMS- Wanna Love You Girl

Are you naked yet?

BONUS TRACK:
BLACK EYED PEAS- My Humps (Lil Jon remix)
For the love of humanity, this is not okay.

Bringing you bad music when necessary,
Joe John

naked truth

ROBBIE WILLIAMS: Getting naked and shaking his th(wang) in order to make up for lack of talent...then asking you for $25 if you want to see more. Awww...someone needs to tell him that he's a pop singer, not a prostitute.


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Nasty put some clothes on, I told ya,
Joe John

26 October 2005

a recipe for sucksess

1 tbsp American Idol
1 1/2 cups Americas Next Top Model
2 sticks The Muppet Show

Preheat oven for 350º. In a blender, purée American Idol and ANTM. Slowly add softened The Muppet Show. Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake for 40 minutes.

Why, ABC? Why?!

It's time to play the music,
Justin

physical or digital?

Got an iPod? Don't buy anything EMI. Beginning with albums released on November 7th, EMI cd releases will be protected. This means that you will be unable to rip music from the album onto a computer/ipod. EMI wants "to create a return to stereo-play and steer the company further away from piracy and increase awareness of legal downloading for users of mp3 devices". I guess I'll just have to lug along my boom-box if I want to play any future Coldplay, Gorillaz, Junior Senior, Paul McCartney, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, or Sigur Rós (the list goes on) albums. I'll be so gangsta. Either that or we'll be forced to buy from the iTunes Music Story. Bye, bye tangible album art!

Video killed the radio star,
Justin

24 October 2005

she's so lucky she's a star

Britney has always been good to her fans, and now she's showing her love in a new way: by suing them. Yes, Brit and KFed are suing several fan-sites that posted pictures of Baby Spears before the couple had a chance to make millions in exclusive magazine deals.

Boo-hoo. I shed a single tear for them and so should you. I mean, what will they have to live off of now that B has her inevitable c-section scar, and K is too busy wearing socks with sandals to make a living? This is the end of the American Dream, people.

It’s getting’ Chaotic,
Justin

lovers and franz

PICTURE THIS...
a couple frolicking delightfully on their merry way.

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Now, imagine yourself singing along to Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out" as couples frolick on a screen before you.

In the very near future, this can be a reality because the new Franz Ferdinand DVD is complete with two karaoke tracks.

BONUS SONGS:

Rock it, Don't stop it,
Joe John

23 October 2005

secrets are no fun unless you tell everyone

Nicole won last week's ANTM competition, so her ad was featured in this month's issue of People Magazine:

Too bad she literally had the lamest "secret". Eating ice cream in bed?! You're such a sinner, Nicole. I don't even want to look at you. Now that this has gotten out, you'll never be CoverGirl of the week.

Peaches and cream,
Justin

a second apple of her eye

It seems that Gwenny P and Chris Martin are quite fertile. Or is it fecund? Anyway, the couple may be expecting a second child. Apparently Blythe Danner, Gwen's momma, spilled the beans that she's going to "be a grandmother again". Okay, but the big question on everyone's mind: will this one also have a fruity name? Only time will tell.

It's funny how a man only thinks about the [beep],
Justin

life just got a little better

THANK THE LORD!!!

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Ok, so it's not red, but it's not fucking blonde anymore. NICE WORK LINDSAY!!!!

I wanna come first,
Joe John

the morning is so many miles away

HARRY POTTER DORK ALERT.
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This man is composing three new songs for The Goblet of Fire soundtrack.

His name is Jarvis Cocker, and he is also going to be in the movie...presumably as a member of the Weird Sisters. Rumor has it that one of the songs is going to be called "Do the Hippogriff". Some of you may already be dorkier than I am...and therefore already know this. BUT YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE A SONG BITCHES.

JARVIS COCKER- This is the Night


Harry Cocker,
Joe John

21 October 2005

looks may deceive

AWWWW...
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How cute!...or is it???

Lamb & Lynx of the band Prussian Blue may look like your average 13 year old Olsen-Twin/Smoosh wannabes, but they have a deep dark secret--- They are actually teen prostitutes in Amsterdam. Ok, so not really...but it might even be worse than that.

They don't care about Black people...or Asian people...or Hispanics...or, well, you get the picture. In fact, they hate you if you're not white. White-supremacist tween music. Holy. Shit.

Mary Kate & Ashley's Sleepover Party,
Joe John

she got an ass like loaf of bread, you want a slice?

I can't quite decide if this song is horrible or incredible. Either way, I definitely enjoy it. It's definitely a huge turn from "Can I Have it Like That?", "Hollaback Girl", or "Drop it Like it's Hot". It's funky as hell (in the good kind of way, not like B.O.) and reminiscent of some of the earlier work of Kelis. The lyrics are so cheesey that they work. I mean, we should just understand that the man is TERRIBLE with lyrics ("See these ice cubes, see these ice creams") Oh, and it's a short song...which is always a plus in my book when it comes to pop songs, and this definitely makes it easier to listen to than "Can I Have it Like That?" Well, without further ado...here is the R&B single from In My Mind.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS- Angel

On another note...download Hey Hey My My Yo Yo, the new album by JUNIOR SENIOR. It is hoooooooottt and XCLUSIVE because it's only being sold in Japan right now or something like that.

I don't care if you can't see her wings,
Joe John

19 October 2005

you can hula-hoop to this

You probably hate me for my obsession with the new album by The Cardigans...it's just THAT good.
THE CARDIGANS- In the Round

And for all the fans of the Madonna or non-fans of Madonna, here is a danceable single by her that I'm not allowed to like because liking it will prevent Mimi's emancipation...
Madginator Estherface- Hung ^

Brought to you by stereogum, a cover of The Pretenders' "Brass in Pocket" by the woman who brought us such classics as "Milkshake". This really makes me worry about the state of the world.
KELIS- Brass in Pocket

OK, now I have to get back to work. FOR REAL.

Time goes by so slowly,
Joe John

feed the world

Check out the sweet music video for "Do They Know It's Halloween?" featuring the musical styles of Beck, Smoosh, Peaches, Feist, Karen O, Elvira, Devendra Banhart, members of Sum41, The Postal Service, Rilo Kiley, Sonic Youth, Wolf Parade, a whole shitload of other people, and a moment that will make Tom Martin cream his pants because of the cuteness. Also, catch this article on it...in case you missed it.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get is life,
Joe John

if a picture's worth a thousand words...

Then why can't I paint this?
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(Props to Jesse)

I happen to be acquainted with some soldiers in our presence, would you by chance know where they are located?,
Joe John

16 October 2005

long way from lovefool

The new album by The Cardigans, Super Extra Gravity, is depressing as fucking hell...but simultaneously AMAZING. Considering it's not available in America, you can either shell out the dolares to ship it overseas, or download it on the interweb (part 2 of download). Before you download it, take a listen to these tracks to see if it's your cup of tea.

THE CARDIGANS- And Then You Kissed Me (Part 2)

THE CARDIGANS- I Need Some Fine Wine and You, You Need to Be Nicer

A diverse group of new tunes for you, including some repeats you may have missed...

BLOC PARTY- Two More Years

RHYMEFEST f/ ODB- Build Me Up Buttercup
(Yes, this is a hip-hop remix with Ol' Dirty Bastard singing the chorus)

DEERHOOF- You Can See

PHARRELL f/ GWEN STEFANI- Can I Have it Like That?

TENDER TRAP- Talking Backwards

SUFJAN STEVENS- She Is

ARCHITECTURE IN HELSINKI- Do the Whirlwind
(new version)

JURASSIC 5- Red Hot

MAXIMO PARK- Isolation

CAT POWER- The Greatest


M.I.A. vs. Mophono- SunPowers
(This sounds like a remix track they'd play in Old Navy. Yes, I think that is a bad thing.)

GRANDADDY- Pull the Curtains

THE DARKNESS- One Way Ticket to Hell
(approved by both connoisseurs of The Darkness Jesse Young and Nat Webb)

THE INFORMATION- A Simple Plan

LeTOYA LUCKETT (of original DESTINY's CHILD line-up) f/ PAUL WALL & SLIM THUG- All Eyez On Me
(SHIT...this sucks. Sorry Matt, your girl LeToya let you down.)

JUNIOR SENIOR- We R the Handclaps
JUNIOR SENIOR- Take My Time

BUSTA RHYMES- Touch It

(DAFT PUNK is playing at Busta's house)

JESSICA SIMPSON- Fired Up
(full MP3, not just shitty sample. Hilarious.)

Cop ASHLEE SIMPSON's new album here. L-O, L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E...I'm talkin' bout love.

And if The Cardigans weren't enough of a blast from the past, get the new HARVEY DANGER album free from their website, because they knew more people would listen to it that way. Bah, you're not sick, but you're not well.

I can't care about anything but you,
Joe John

13 October 2005

there goes your social life

This is a visual and musical experience you don't want to miss out on. It is sure to clear up any midterm blues. If you don't click on this link...you will regret it. It is the best thing since Crying While Eating.


Speaking of Crying While Eating...have you seen Maria???

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Not convinced by Anakin's turn to the dark side,
Joe John

PS-
Props to my beautiful roomie Amy for the HORSEBALLS.

12 October 2005

newness

one way ticket to awesome

elvis is sooooo gay

Ok, so I may be treading in dangerous territory by questioning the masculinity of the king, but this article makes Elvis sound so homosexual that it makes Ms. Jay from ANTM look hetero.

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Happy Halloween!

The lady procurer's bizarre claims also include Presley's fondness for "slumber parties" - in which he would relish inventing hairstyles and applying make-up to female fans - and how the star was frightened of gays and lesbians.

And he was bad in bed...obviously because he didn't really like vaginas!

He never went all the way with fans because his mom told him that premarital sex was a sin...or he didn't really like vaginas! Oh, and he's a momma's boy too.

Hotter than Jesse Katsopolis,
Joe John

the emancipation of poochie

Mariah Carey may be back on the map, but she's still pretty crazy. Because a Los Angeles airline refused to fly her dog Jackson P. Mutley the Jack Russell saying he was "too big", her chauffeur was forced to drive Jack cross country back to NYC. Mimi responded to this by saying...
"They said, 'We'd only allow it for a famous dog.' Please! He has three websites dedicated to him."
Seriously...I mean, not famous????
" Earlier this year, Mariah revealed she logs on to her pet's website every day Jack has become so famous in his own right the diva's Japanese fans have built a site dedicated solely to him Mariah is so fascinated with the website she regularly checks in to the news pages, entitled The Emancipation of Jack, after her chart-topping album, 'The Emancipation of Mimi', and the doggy-obsessed message board The beautiful star said: "I laughed out loud for 10 minutes when I found out about Jack's website He really is a very cool dog Some of his Japanese fans built it for him It talks all about him - even his swimming antics"

When they say "swimming antics", they refer to the fact that Jack loves bathing with Mariah. Jack loves the jets in Mariah's hot tub as much as you do when you think no one is looking. I also imagine that Jack and Mariah take long weekend getaways and spoon regularly. Soon, they'll be doing all of the above over tea and crumpets.

Definitely see one of these websites for pictures like this...
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All I want for Christmas is Jack.

WE BELONG TOGETHER
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Don't Forget About Us,
Joe John

PS- I was looking on mtv.com and I came across the best headline...ever.

10 October 2005

shaking your laffy taffy like it's my job

Um...so I have some hip hop "joints" as the kids these days call them...and some Deerhoof.

Introducing my new favorite song. The chorus is "Shake that Laffy Taffy". I think that should be enough of a reason for you to d/l it.
D4L- Laffy Taffy

Some new Gwenni Gwen Gwen...
GWEN STEFANI- Luxurious remix f/ Slim Thug

Samplin' Daft Punk "Technologic" is the new hip hop.
BUSTA RHYMES- Touch It

This is SO last spring fling and the spring fling before that...only new music.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH- Be Easy

Ghettomusick,
Joe John

PS-
You can also download the new HARVEY DANGER album Little by Little for free legally...just in case you're the kind of person who could never get "Flagpole Sitta" out of their head. Baaaaaah...I'm not sick but I'm not well.

08 October 2005

boy, george really blew it


Who the hell is this?!

Kate Moss isn't the only one having fun with coke these days. Boy George is being charged with possession of cocaine and could face up the 15 years in the slammer. Without make-up! The best part is that Boy George called the police himself. They came to investigate a burglary and discovered 5+ grams of cocaine. Jeez, of all people he should have known to hide the goods in his ass.

Get down on the ground cocaine,
Justin

07 October 2005

oops...she's doing it again

I'm a Barbie Girl...
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...In this Britney world.

BRITNEY SPEARS is supposedly asking Mattel to create a new Barbie version of her. Surprised? No?

Well, what if I told her that she also wants them to make a KEVIN FEDERLINE doll, a doll of her new baby SEAN PRESTON, her mother, father, older brother Bryan, younger sister JAMIE LYNN, and her dogs LACY, BIT BIT, and LUCKY. Surprised yet???

OK...well, it gets worse. She also wants toy replicas of her 5 million dollar mansion, 4 million dollar yacht, and pink hummer.

Honey done lost her mind.

Do you like the way I rock it, boy it's chaotic,
Joe John

06 October 2005

news you already heard about...but more

By now, you probably heard about Lindsay Lohan's car crash. You may have even seen pictures...but this is just absurd.

"Lindsay Lohan: More on the star of Mean Girls who is turning out to be just that ... mean. The man who was driving the van that Lohan's Benz struck told Access Hollywood that the actress never even checked on his condition after their collision. Not only did Lohan ignore him at the scene of the crime, she has not checked on his physical condition since then. 40-year-old Raymundo Ortega said, "if she wants to call me to ask how I am doing, that would be good. But if she doesn't, then I'll leave it on her conscience because honestly, she doesn't even know my name." Here's a legal question for my readers: Can Lohan be charged with leaving the scene of an accident since she never even tried to find out if the man she hit was dead or alive?"- Source

In conclusion: Lindsay Lohan = Vanessa Volpe
_____________________________________________

You may have also heard that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. What you probably haven't heard is that Katie is going to do the entire thing without drugs and silently. Scientologists believe that the sounds of pain from a mother will traumatize a child at birth. They must not realize how traumatizing it is to emerge FROM A VAGINA.

On another note, see how old Katie was at various points in Tom's career.
_____________________________________________

Lastly, you heard long ago of Jay-Z's retirement from the rap game. You may have also noticed his guest spots on remixes and albums...and the fact that he was featured on a Memphis Bleek song that was basically his own.

Well, Jay can't leave the game because the game needs him. Expect an album before summer begins.

How could you falter when you the rock of gibralter,
Joe John

ray of light

Rachel Ray is the white Oprah. Everyone has always known this, and now it's official. Fall 2006, Rachel's getting a talkshow! All thanks to Oprah's production company.


Sex in the Kitchen

This article describes Ray-ray as a "dynamic television personality," and by that they mean she'd knock you out with her gesticulations. Have you seen "30 Minute Meals"?! Jeez, that girl needs to put those hands down once in a while. Is it any wonder why she always cooks and spends $40 days alone. I fear for the safety of her future guest.

Warm my mind near your gentle stove,
Justin

05 October 2005

don't tell me that it's over

I need not say much on this, as most of you probably saw it on Gawker or Pink.

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What's your take on it???

Personally...I think it's the truth. The rumors have been brewing for too long and there was also word about them keeping it on the hush until after the premiere of Dukes of Hazzard. This would also explain why Jessica is all about slutting it up for her new album. I really hope that dear Nicholas gets a magazine cover out of this deal a la Aniston.

All my girls at the bar gonna get fired up,
Joe John

PS- Sorry for faulty images. I blame photobucket.

america's next top banana republic employee

Yah, so ANTM is already getting old (kidding!), so it's a good thing that we have another fashion industry-based reality show coming into view. Eww, no! There better not be a third season of Blow Out. Anyway, Project Runway 2!! December 7th. 10 p.m. (gosh my Wednesdays are going to make me so fab). Here're the peeps:

Check out ONTD for names and stats.

Guess which one's from Atlanta? Yah, the ugly souther-looking one. And who will be our next Austin Scarlett? The next Wendy Pepper? How many people will third row from the top, second from the right molest? Cast your votes.

Diamonds on the soles of her shoes,
Justin

name your pussies

I mean PUSSYCAT DOLLS...duh. What were you thinking?

To celebrate the fact that the Pussycat Dolls are the SPICE GIRLS of the new millenium plus one, I decided that they need cute new names so we can tell them apart rather than "that red headed bitch".

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From Left to Right: Awkward Pussy, Tanned Pussy, Scary Pussy, Ambiguously Ethnic Lead-singer Pussy, Fiery Pussy, and Cheetahlicious Pussy

Look at these other photos and come up with your own names in the comments!
Without names, no one will remember these pussies!!!!

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Grab the little clothing you wear and your stilettoes or platform shoes and hop on in....THE PUSSYMOBILE!

Yes, I know that was way too easy.

Next week: Jokes about living in the Butterfields and anal sex.

Lookin' like you wanna break my back,
Joe John

04 October 2005

before it's cool

Hey kids, yall should check out LADY SOVEREIGN before she gets too cool in "the states". If you like M.I.A. then this is a must-hear. As seen on shitparade.

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03 October 2005

i'ma have you naked by the end of this post

How is JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE being asked to act in more films when his greatest hits include...

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and

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In other Disney Channel original movie news, SHIA LABOUF of EVEN STEVENS fame is the kid in that stupid golf movie coming out soon...he also loves the touch of his father.

M-I-C-K-E-Y,
Joe John

i ain't sayin' she's a gold digger...

So my favorite part about US Weekly is when they have the ridiculous celebrity quotes. I have one on my fridge from TYRA BANKS about how frugal she is..."Or if people come to my house and don't finish their water, I'll write their name on the bottle and give it to them when they come back." (See also: PHARELL wants to bone Tyra.)

OK, so this one is amazing...

from mtv.com...

"I got a couple of really cool sentimental things from Joel, and then he also got me this thing that I've wanted for a really long time (his peen in her vag!), which is this big Louis Vuitton makeup case and it's so beautiful. I have tons of things to go home to and look at and be like, 'Oh, it's so pretty.' "- HILARY DUFF, on her 18th birthday

I've never had a birthday this cool before,
Joe John

federal agents mad cause i'm flagrant

What the fuck, I gotta spell it out?
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Grab yo pens, get out yo papa. Write a letter to Lil Kim, don't be a hata...

Kimberly Jones 56198-054
FDC Philadelphia
Federal Detention Center
P.O. BOX 562
Philadelphia, PA 19106

If you send it with a self-addressed envelope stapled to the letter, she might even reply!

Send me some money orders,
Joe John

01 October 2005

daughter to father

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I don't know you, but I still want to.

Confess it. You want to see some more pictures of LINDSAY on the set of the video for "Confessions of a Broken Heart". If you haven't heard it, find someone with a PC and listen immediately.

I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
,
Joe John