17 August 2005

100th Customer Blue Light Special...Worth the Wait.

Well, everyone, this is it: our big 100th-Post Extravaganza Fiesta Party Blog Event, and you're all invited. Just sit back, relax, and let the three (actually just two) of us lead you through the latest entertainment and pop news as a tagteam. Together in one post. Combining powers for the first time. Because when pop-culture happens, we mock it. And we know that it's taken us a long time to birth this bundle of gossipy-joy, but hey! We're busy people. You should be outside enjoying summer anyway! Verb: it's what you do.

JUSTIN

I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but LaLaine (Miranda Sanchez of Lizzie McGuire) is coming out with an album. Not only that, but she just released the video for her single (?) "I'm Not Your Girl"! All, I can say is that her heart's in the right place with the whole faux-punk rock thing (à la Avril) and convenient lack of a last name, but her hair is so greasy! Is that in-thing now? Damn, I need to buy a shower cap.

As if Crossroads wasn't "awesome" enough, Britney has a new film in the works. According to IMDb, The Pink is slated for a 2007 release (post-preggo Brit). Actually, just read the description, because I could never do it justice:
A rich, misogynistic corporate executive (Tim Allen) soon finds himself out of a job, and is forced to make a living out of selling Mary Kay cosmetics alongside a group of door-to-door saleswomen (Cher, Bette Midler, Britney Spears and Wanda Sykes). Things look up, however, when he develops a genuine understanding of the female psyche, and uses his knowledge to propel his business upwards.
I dare you to tell me that this movie won't be "spectacular".

LiLo's a pothead!! Actually, that's not true at all (according to her), but maybe it'll stir things up on Google. Anyway, Miss Lohan has officially admitted to smoking the ganja...or at least trying it...and hating it. She also tells Heat magazine that she would never try cocaine. Obviously, the bitch is lying. I understand her not likeing pot though: gateway drugs are for poor people.

Mischa, Mischa, Mischa! Who do you think you are, the next C. Love? This is maybe the strangest picture I've seen in a while. Not only is Miss Barton popping out of her fugly dress on a beach, but she's also standing behind a white horse with a dog. Hopefully, she's filming something? Or visiting a beach-front petting zoo? In related news, cellulite.

I don't know how I didn't hear about this sooner, but VH-1 is going back to where it all began: The 80s. Premiering October 24th, I Love The 80s: 3-D will once again take us back to a time that most of us couldn't remember without the help of VH-1 fundits. Mo Rocca, Hal Sparks, Rachael Harris, and Michael Ian Black will all be there and so should you. Leg-warmers optional.

August 16th was Madonna's birthday! Happy Birthday, Madonna. And what did she get for her special day? 3 broken ribs, a broken collar bone, and a broken finger. The whore! That's totally what I wanted for my birthday. Now I'm going to seem lame and totally unoriginal. Damnit!

And I don't really understand why Diddy (the artist formerly known as "P. Diddy", formerly known as "Puff Daddy") just now held a press release concerning his new name. It's been on the VMA ads for weeks now. Did he just expect America not to notice? Because we did. We also noticed that "water" is pretty much the worst VMA theme ever conceived. Is this supposed to be some elaborate play on P. Diddy's new name? Dropping the "P[ee]" before doing the "water" show? Because that would be lamer than Madonna falling off her horse.

I know you say that I am assuming things,
Justin

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KATIE

Coming soon from Katie: A special visit to the Wesleyan admissions office. I'll give you a hint if you don't already know- Him and his wife provided their voices for My Little Pony: The Movie. This will blow your mind and then some. Unfortunately, Katie has been busy being a senior and moving into her amazing house...don't worry, she'll be back and you don't wanna miss it!

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JOE JOHN

Film Series EDIT: Joss Whedon is going to be on campus to show a "new film" (Serenity?) and do a Q&A session. I am wetting myself as we speak. In other film series news, this September-October you can look forward to seeing Napoleon Dynamite, The Wizard of Oz, Kung Fu Hustle, The Life Aquatic, Sin City, A Clockwork Orange, and (most importantly) Showgirls.

Um, Death Cab anyone???

All you need to know in life is that the new Death Cab for Cutie album has leaked and I had a link to the full album until this post took forever and the link got taken down. You can try this link?


Another leak you may remember is Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine...which is an amazing album...in it's unfinished state. Jon Brion is finishing up the production and she's re-recording a lot of the songs. Lame, does that mean we have to buy it now? It's ok, with all this piracy, I was feeling like a Criminal. Here's a tune...Fiona Apple- Better Version of Me.

Speaking of Jon Brion, (this is old news but...) he co-produced the new Kanye West album. If his name doesn't sound familiar, the Eternal Sunshine soundtrack probably isn't as close to your heart as it is to mine. Kanye West is so confident about his sophomore album that he's already named his third and fourth albums. He's such a cocky son of a bitch..."Gold Digger" f/ Jamie Foxx is a terrible song, but "Diamonds from Sierra Leone (remix f/ Jay-Z)" (mp3) is still amazing. Kanye, I am not going to be there for you when it "All Falls Down" (mp3).

By the way, if you were wondering about Madonna and her new album "Confessions on a Dancefloor"...she has every venereal disease imaginable to man...and she cheats on her husband. And she once directed a bus full of nuns to their death. I heard her new album and it sucks...now do I get my Mariah Carey Team Lamb honorary member t-shirt yet???

I had my destiny fulfilled and MTV.com did a pretty good recap of the NYC concert, which pretty much was the same as the one we were at. They failed to mention the amazing strip of giant talking Destiny's Child heads that told everyone to "sit their butts down" before the finale, "Lose my Breath". Kelly Rowland is so hot it makes me want to gasm.
Kelly Rowland & Nelly- Dilemma
Um, and on that subject...you should ask Chris McDonald if you can see his dance for "Bad Habit". It will blow your mind.


If anyone gets me this for my birthday, I will kill them. Yes, it's true! Chaotic is out on DVD. Now you can take Britney Spears and Kevin Federline home with you all for the low price of $13.99 plus shipping. Someday I will (never) understand...why everyone who reviewed this show and DVD gave it FIVE STARS...making comments like, "Unlike every other high-quality, manufactured "reality" television show out there, CHAOTIC is raw and real." Whatever...I want manufactured reality television like Project Runway and America's Next Top Model in my life. THIS FALL...what? No homework will ever get done. The date is finally out. America's Next Top Model's first episode will be airing this September 21st...and it'll be TWO HOURS. Here is the promotional poster., and here is a screen cap of Kim Stolz! (courtesy of Jess Lane)...Hold back your gasms. Also hold back your gasms for Tyra Banks' new talk show. The subject matter is pretty ridiculous, and her response to everyone's problems sounds incredible. All I need is for Tyra to tell me to take a walk down her runway during finals week, and my semester will be full of sanity! "Just put on these shoes and take a trip down my runway!"

Imagine this. Eliza Ford at P. Diddy's White Party. Imagine her sitting near Alan Thicke, the father from Growing Pains. Now...imagine his son making a song with Pharrell Williams that is "guaranteed to get girls naked". Um, I will say that I've heard this song and maybe it's just my testosterone and all...but I feel more boredom listening to it than a desire to get naked. I mean, Justin Timberlake claimed that he'd "have you naked by the end of this song" in "Rock Your Body", yet anytime I've heard it at parties...everyone was clothed by the end. This is certainly unacceptable.

Kanye West is so confident about his sophomore album that he's already named his third and fourth albums. He's such a cocky son of a bitch..."Gold Digger" f/ Jamie Foxx is a terrible song, but "Diamonds from Sierra Leone (remix f/ Jay-Z)" (mp3) is still amazing. Kanye, I am not going to be there for you when it "All Falls Down" (mp3).

So you're probably wondering about the Simpson sisters, and NO I don't mean Lisa and Maggie. Ashlee Simpson is going to be releasing her sophomore album(which Justin mentioned in his last entry) soon, which apparently will have a more 80s feel to it. What used to be her first single "L.O.V.E.", is a girl-power anthem about going out with your girls when your man doesn't call...basically it's a one-sided version of "Jumpin Jumpin". Now, her new single is "I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend"...which she claims has NOTHING to do with Wilmer and Lindsay Lohan....Right. On the subject of Jessica Simpson, she also has an album coming out in the near future...The first single is likely going to be "Fired Up" (mp3), which I think may just be the worst party song ever...even if this mp3 isn't well done and loops. Coincidentally, this song is also about going out and dancing with "the girls". Obviously, this is the only item on the Simpson sister agenda. Also, Jessica and Ashlee were little sluts who wore bikinis to church! Joe Simpson, their father and manager, is quoted as saying, "People in the church got mad at me then, but we believe that what's in the heart is more important than what's on the outside." I'm sure everyone in church was paying very close attention to Jessica's humongous...heart. Lastly, Jessica's huge...heart must have been the reason why Dukes of Hazzard was number one at the box office and the bottom picture here is amazing. Thanks Trent.

Can we also talk about the cover of the Pussycat Dolls album? Someone in this group obviously is planning ahead for her solo career ::CObeyonce-syndromeUGH:: This is almost as bad as Raven in Cheetah Girls!

Apparently you don't have to win American Idol to get a record deal, which we have learned from Jasmine Trias, LaToya London, Clay Aiken, Diana DeGarmo, Justin Guarini, and others. Add to that list Mario Vazquez. Having left American Idol for "personal reasons"..Vazquez is now signed with Clive Davis and working Arnold Steifel, the man who guided Rod Stewart's career. Damn, I need to get myself on American Idol immediately. You can drop out and still be famous. Too bad it didn't work out for Corey Clark...

On another note, have you seen the high school picture of Olivia (of G-Unit fame)? This is just proof that even ugly people with bad eyebrows can become famous some day!

Speaking of G-g-g-g-unit, are you ready for Fiddy Cent's re-release of The Massacre, which will feature a music video for every song...including one in which he makes fun of every rapper in existence? It's ok...because every other rapper pretty much hates Mr. Cent. Nas could rap him under a table...oh, and no man should EVER fuck with Lil Kim. Especially when her new album features lines like..."The government tried to put me through it/ But I'm back to style on y'all like Martha Stewart."

And I know the album you're REALLY waiting for. Marky Mark. Yeah, you read that right. R&B singer/model/actor Tyrese is trying to convince Mark Wahlberg to rejoin the rap game, despite the fact that he is a white man in his 30s...Let's hope he eventually gives in! "Good Vibrations" by him and that Funky Bunch speaks to my soul!

Ok, so that may never happen...but Vanilla Ice is actually back (again). Instead of doing a rock version of "Ice Ice Baby"...he has come back to us with "Ninja Rap 2". (mp3 courtesy of Dan Fitchette) This is your new favorite song. Don't lie!

On a non-music note...

Jackie Stallone, mother of Sylvester Stallone, is striving to have Angelina Jolie play her in a biographical film of her life. Honestly, I think we all want Angelina Jolie to be us for a few hours...even if it's just make-believe!

And finally...I love Mark Ruffalo...so much that I am going to see Rumor Has It which features Daddy Costner and Jennifer Aniston. Speaking of ol' Jenny from the Perk, there may still be hope that she's snogging Vince Vaughn. He claims he would never go for it since she's very vulnerable right now...but we all know that you love vulnerable women Mr. Wedding Crasher. They probs just don't want to go public like Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson chose not to. Public Hollywood relationships seem to be on the way out thanks to Tom and Katie.

In conclusion, this is the best song in the world...Fantasia Barrino- Baby Mama (mp3).

Forget about it like the world forgot about Sisqo,
Joe John

6 comments:

notjesslane said...

oh man that is totally kim she is already famous that is crazy.

notjesslane said...

Some Screen caps

mell said...

excellent post kids, with a nice treat in the form of lalaine's video. The song actually doesn't suck! I can see myself actually enjoying the music...the video, heavily featuring her mug/fug hair, detracts.

has it been 100 already? my little bloggers are growing up

dan f said...

oh joe john, how wrong you are: new ice ice baby!

oh, and the survivor on vanilla's new album is not a destiny's child cover, although he does sample it.

Joe John said...

I finally got around to watching the Lalaine video. It kind of makes me proud that my last name is Sanchez, even if that's a fictional character who she plays on tv.

Janie Stolar said...

Do we know when/if "Project Runway" is coming back??? "Top Model" actually has pretty girls this year. They're all the anti-Shandy. And "80's 3-D?" What is there left to mock? Although I said that when I heard about "Strikes Back" and was proven wrong swiftly and severely. Who am I to say 30 collective hours of 80s nostalgia is too much? A: Nobody.