TotesUmbrellas: This goes out to all my baby mamas...

Mad love to Trent from Pink is the New Blog! Happy birthday even though I don't know you! Myself and several of our readers are obsessed with your blog. Keep it coming!
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Obligatory Live 8 Section of Post!

Ok, so you've probably watched a little bit of Live 8 here and there, but were you sure to catch...

Mad white people, including David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, dropping it like it's hot (aka awkward head bobbing) to Snoop Dogg's "Signs". You can see the look of longing in David Beckham's eyes. He wants to hang out with "Mr. Snoopy", but Victoria ain't havin' it!

Simple Plan...performing at a concert for starving Africans...complaining about their lives.

A-Ha performing "Take On Me" like someone doing karaoke at a bar on Tuesday nights.

Shakira...moving like no woman I have ever seen.

Mariah Carey making me cream my pants because of her awesomeness. WARNING: THIS IS TOO DEEP (too deep). Remember this. It will prove to be important a little later.

The Black Eyed Peas...A) Sucking at life, B) Acting like rabid monkies in the beginning of this performance, and C) Making me want to kill Fergie even more.

Beyonce of Destiny's Child singing off-rhythm on "Say My Name" and "Survivor" ...later redeeming herself on "Girl", but being upstaged by Kelly's general tendency to be more talented and Michelle's general tendency to want to seem more important than she actually is. In other news, Beyonce is going all cajun on her sophomore solo album.

Will Smith bringing back the jiggy to our lives.

Jay-Z continuing with his least respectable career decision.

Stevie Wonder continuing to rock my world harder than ever.

Madonna trading an accessory of an Ethiopian famine survivor for breakdancers. Posing with hungry black people seems to be a trend in Hollywood these days. You should definitely check out the photoshopping people did with that homeless guy! My favorite is the X-Men one.

Catch the other performances.

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Love corner!

Britney Spears tried to be sweet by wearing a shirt that says "I have the golden ticket" with a downward arrow to her baby/(ies). I suppose K-Fed wasn't smart enough to notify her that the arrow also points to her vag, and this could be construed as filthy to some people. Classy, Brit. Classy.

Speaking of celeb couples...Just when you thought the "TomKat" romance couldn't get any worse...it did. Katie Holmes is completely brainwashed. Her new "friend" Jessica Rodriguez talks more for her than she does herself. BONUS: picture. Yikes! At least the wedding will be simple. Tom Cruise's fake blog is actually better than I expected. Rather than personally attack him like the Lindsay Lohan blog does to my precious but under-nourished Lohan, it actually provides a satire of his real life.

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are getting a bit of reality TV exposure thanks to Being Bobby Brown, but will Whitney pull a Janice Dickinson and hop onto the cast of another reality TV series...particularly American Idol!?! Mariah Carey was also considered.

Ex of Madonna, Dennis Rodman didn't think she was all that. Just alright.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a whole lot of sex though. And it's probably more than "just alright".

You already may know that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together...but did you know that he turned down Ron Jeremy when offered a porn career?

What is Joel Madden doing to my darling Hilary Duff!?! She looks like she came straight out of Hot Topic in these promo photos for her new video "Wake Up". The song, along with three other new original songs, is to appear on Most Wanted which is actually a REMIX album, not a greatest hits compilation. Oh, and how about her involvement with Aaron Carter, whose career is slowly moving down the drain. She's outraged that he claims he had a little muff of the Duff...and that Lindsay was a better kisser. Gross. Weren't Hilary and Aaron 12 when they started dating. I sure hope Hilary's not covering up on this one!
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Random gossip!

Here's a music video that blows Hilary Duff away...and they're totally younger than her. This claymation shit deserves a VMA or something. Smoosh makes me happy.

The Spice Girls are recording a new album! Only they're not doing it in the same country. I wouldn't be quick to call this a reunion. Whatever...I'm totally buying their greatest hits CD. I mean...they're such losers!

Lindsay Lohan's father Michael Lohan insists that Lindsay has gotten thinner because of the anxiety of her parents' break-up. I always trust men who are in jail.

We at totesumbrellas aren't the only ones who like Trapped in the Closet. R. Kelly's hit CD debuted at #1 this week. Followed by Missy's The Cookbook...which I decided was a lot better than I thought originally. Chapters 6-10 are not too far from their release, as the R. has already written them. (last link thanks to Jenny Low!)

Jessica Alba thinks naked men are funny. Just a warning to potential suitors. She will laugh at your penis. Ok, so she was only talking about strippers...but that headline is too hilarious. She also won't do nude scenes.

Scarlett Johansson is dying to throw her top off though...and Wesleyan alum Michael Bay had to pretend that he didn't want her to just because of his damn PG-13 rating.

For Justin- Alanis Morisette is set to appear on Degrassi: The Next Generation in the three-part season finale. Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes are also going to be guest stars.

Paris Hilton's dog Tinkerbell is going to have to go through emotional doggy therapy after she finds out about these shirts! I am more of a fan of the t-shirt Missy Elliott got her dog-- "I hate Tinkerbell...that bitch has everything!"
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Things that piss me off, volume I!

There's this new M&M commercial. Now, some people may be angry that this stupid-ass cover by Iron & Wine is getting more exposure than it did in Garden State, but what I'm most angry about is that the song has lyrically NOTHING to do with M&Ms...or even kaleidoscopes! "I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." This does not have anything to do with putting delicious candy-coated chocolate into your mouth. PS- I hate chocolate, but only called it delicious for effect.

I can't stand seeing cute people go wrong! Fefe Dobson, barely one-hit wonder of the past year going from looking like this...to looking TORN UP AS ALL HELL. Maybe someone told you goth was in, but ugly certainly is not.

The trailer for Ashlee Simpson's big-screen debut Undiscovered is so disappointing. The plot involves a romantic connection due to a lost glove...it's very reminiscent of this blockbuster movie but has less ironic value. No irony? No awesome? No me buying a ticket. Sorry, Ashlee. I may love "La La", but this movie isn't even worth the price of a student discount ticket at Destinta.

Some idiot on the Oh No They Didn't livejournal forums posted something about Fantastic 4 being a rip-off of The Incredibles. "Mrs. Invisible has the same powers as Violet, and Mr. Fantastic has the same powers as Mrs. Incredible." I personally think Stan Lee himself needs to hunt the bitch who said this down and kill her. The Fantastic 4 were brought to life in 1961. The Incredibles were brought to life a few years ago. Sometimes, I hate people. Whatevs, if you care to read the very first Fantastic Four comic...go here.

Some people have a lot of nerve. I can't believe this fucking comedian dissed Mariah Carey like this! "What do you call a stuffed sausage in English?"...and discussing cellulite? And then lil prudie judgmental bitch Joss Stone goes off on Mariah for performing "We Belong Together" at Live 8! Mimi doesn't need to deal with that type of stuff. She deserves better. She's been emancipated! OK!?! That's ok Mariah. Shake it off...

Ok, it may just be an idea that is being considered, but who thought putting a black team of executives against a white team of executives on reality television would be a good idea? I'll tell you who. Donald Trump. This is idea makes me cringe just as much as The Swan. Seriously, let's go for ratings by incorporating racial tension! Fuck you Donald Trump. Fuck you.

I can't stand the number of times the X-Men 3 line-up has changed. I don't know what to believe about the new film. Apparently it's going to involve elements of the Astonishing X-Men comic series but also needs to cover the Dark Phoenix Saga. Filming is supposed to start the 20th, and apparently they don't have a full cast or script. This is a disaster. There's also the fact that Kelly Hu signed a contract to play Lady Deathstrike (the hot chick with the big claws) again. Lady Deathstrike DIED in X2!!! Now there are rumors that both Serena and Venus Williams are up for the role of "Pherma" (known in the comics as Stacy X), a bisexual hooker mutant that ooozes sexuality. Explain to me how you can combine the Dark Phoenix Saga, a mutant losing their powers, a bisexual hooker mutant, and the introduction of brand new characters (Shadow Cat and Beast) into one cohesive movie!?! You can't!!! I hope I don't regret saying this on May 26, 2006...when the movie is scheduled to be released in theaters.

EDIT: Yes, I know Shadow Cat and Beast had cameo roles in X2. So did Jubilee...moreso in the special features of the DVD. However, it's a bit more difficult to completely develop a character than just show them walking through a wall for a hot second.
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