23 June 2005

This post is rated Zero Testes!

NEWS!!!

Katie Holmes
is slowly going from it to shit thanks to Scientology and Tom Cruise. (So gay?) Not only did he make her turn down a role that might have earned her a spot as a respectable actress, but he also caused her to lose her role in the Batman Begins sequel. I am wondering what they plan to call the movie...Batman Begins Again? Batman: You've Seen the Beginning, Now See the Best!? Suggestions? Best title gets a cookie.

Speaking of Batman, Katey it could have been worse! Your car could have been the Batmobile. We feel your pain Christian Bale, we feel your pain.

Not only is Lindsay Lohan loved by black men, but she also is recording a new album that should sound more like Keane. I could forgive you for some things Lindsay, but I think I'm already placing Amanda Bynes above you at this point. Oh, and look at this picture of Lindsay with Ryan Seacrest. While she looks cracked out, he totally just wants to do her. Apparently, Lindsay also got pissed about her song's placement in Herbie: Fully Loaded, which my viewing has been delayed for because of my inability to look at cars going fast right now. She also might be dating Diego Garcia, lead singer of Elefant, but we know how long her dating rumors last...and her uncle got arrested on fraud charges. Lindsay is just all over the news these days. Oh, and by the way bitches. The nickname "Hohan" was NEVER cool. And who do you think will wear shirts like this? I don't care how low Lindsay goes, but no one should stoop that low. However, "Free Katie" shirts are acceptable.

OH...also you stupid other bloggers...those pictures (scroll down) of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn practically spooning on the beach are from a MOVIE they're shooting. GET OVER YOURSELVES, GOODBYE! I've heard rumors about her moving on to David Schwimmer and others, but this is just starting to get ridic. Let the girl live her lonely life in peace with her pint of Haagen Daaz.

Men should take sex tips from Billy Bob Thornton...for example, on-screen sex with Halle Berry sucks, but sex with average looking/unattractive women can be the best. This man is serious.

Regina George is that you!?! What the hell Rachel McAdams?

However, you can see pictures of Jeremy Sumpter of Peter Pan and Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life...with his girlfriend. Sorry ladies....and gentlemen? (EDIT:...and other people too)

Since that was disappointing...How about some shirtless pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal to make up for it?

Britney Spears is going to listen to the Disney Princess Collection to sooth her while giving birth. I really hope the baby's head starts popping out during "Part of that World" so it's just like the really womb-like scene where Ariel swims to the top of the hollowed out rock-structure to the surface. TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!?! You know The Little Mermaid is your favorite movie! Stop denying! BTW, I took a poll last year and Ariel is the Hottest Disney Princess

Move over Britney, your sister is probably going to be more famous than you within a year. I'm sorry. Jamie Lynn Spears is making clothes yall! It's going to be like Stuff by Duff, only better! BTW, I love that Hilary Duff and Michelle Trachtenberg are besties. I know this thanks to Pink.

I can't wait until July 5th! R. Kelly will release his new album, along with a DVD of the five chapter videos of "Trapped in the Closet"...the best mini hip-hopera ever! Also it's the only other hip-hopera I know of besides MTV's Carmen starring Beyonce, Mekhi Phifer, Mos Def, Lil Bow Wow, Da Brat, Rah Digga, Jermaine Dupri, Wyclef Jean, and others. You can rent this at Blockbuster. How do I know this? Because I rented it.

Speaking of Beyonce, ever wondered the full history of Destiny's Child? Read it here.

Gwen Stefani's fourth single is "Cool", a song written about her former flame, No Doubt bassist Tony Kanal. Oh and here are some cheap giggles, at the cost of George Lucas' terrible dialogue and the aforementioned Gwen Stefani. This will not be funny unless you've Sithed. Then again, you still may not think it's that funny. Ain't "NOOOOOOO" Hollaback Girl.

Missy Elliott loves Jamaica...brownies. If you know what she means...and I think you do.

Kanye West played his new album for a few worthy ears including Common and Lil Kim. He's pretty cocky about the end product, but do you know what? I would be too if my album was co-executive produced by Jon fucking Brion and featured artists such as Jay-Z, Brandy, Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and a 20-piece orchestra. Also, the album features the line, "You know what this is? It's a celebration, bitches."

Mimi's 3rd single is "Shake it Off" and the 4th is "Say Something" f/ Snoop Dogg. She is SO emancipated and loving it! Apparently someone found some very funny Mariah Carey fan letters, which include lines like, "When you hit that high note I get a boner, the size of Florida. That was strictly a compliment, Mariah." Best thing I've ever read this past week!

Unfortunately, Coldplay is trying to steal Mimi's thunder...and is succeeding. Worst ever.

This surprisingly links the above and below blurbs...Snoop Dogg is besties with David Beckham these days, husband of Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice).

It wouldn't be a Spice Girls reunion without Scary...and therefore, it might not be a Spice Girls reunion.

The cast of Buffy is totes moving on with their careers. Alyson Hannigan (Willow) is set to star in a movie in a spoof of romantic comedies in the near future. Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy) is set to star as Alice in the thriller film based on the "Alice" videogame, which is inspired by Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Her man, Freddie Prinze Jr. will have his own show on ABC titled "Freddie". Also on that link are shows which feature Nicholas Brendan (Xander) and David Boreanaz (Angel). Also, I hear there are talk of a James Marsters/Spike movie?

I've gotten over cookies being a sometimes food, but this would be the saddest thing to ever happen to me. (thanks to Jenny M)

If anyone wants to see a hilarious video of a school dance recital with a Harry Potter theme featuring the songs, "Let's Hear it for the Boy", "Thriller", and "Hero"...check this out. Trust me, it's worth using rapidshare for. (thanks to Robin)

THAT'S JUST INAPPROPRIATE AND ALL TOO SEXUAL FOR MY VIRGIN EARS AND EYES!!!

Hey bloggers! My mom just relocated again...for the fifth time...or more like five hundredth. It's as if she doesn't care about my feelings and whether I want to go to the hot school dances with dreamy Adam Brody rip-offs...Well, stay tuned for more in the life of a teen gypsy!

If this dialogue sounds slightly familiar to you, you may also have been victim to The Perfect Man, starring Hilary Duff & Heather Locklear. Katie mentioned how horrible it was earlier but she failed to mention the new rating system developed by a male-identified tween a few rows back. I shall use The Perfect Man as an example, which received a rating of...

No balls, ZERO testes.

So apparently, we can all rate movies by the inverse of their chick-flick-osity. For example, something with a lot of action in it and boobs would get rated FIVE testes. That's all good and all, but I'd like to see a guy with five testicles get a date. Try not to get visuals on this one. Trust me.

So what movie would receive such a rating as FIVE testes? How about this one? This one receives ZERO testes. Got it? Might I add that I watched the latter with Naomi yesterday? It was the best thing ever.

While we're still on genital talk, let's talk about Ben Affleck. Apparently he torments his co-star Christina Applegate by flashing his peen at her. He also loves putting his scrotum all up on Kevin Smith's neck. Gross.

The following is rated FIVE testes, not safe for work, not safe for your mom, and contains Tonya from the Real World 10: Chicago's boobs in Playboy. Boobs. Whatever, wasn't she the bitchy one who they almost sent home. Gross.

Fans of the Ye Olde Campus Center Rager facebook group should be happy to hear the news that Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion will become a tourist attraction upon his death. I hope it includes lots of rollercoasters that go upside down and bumper cars!

So you may be familiar with this other it girl...they call her "Paris Hilton". She apparently did this commercial where she ate hamburgers and washed cars in a bikini and sexed up everyone's eyes to the point that even vegetarians were going out to buy Carl Jr's burgers. Now she has this new commercial. It is not in English, but it is pretty funny because the site is GoYellow...I'm not even going to go into why this commercial is funny and mildly offensive. See for yourself. Whatever, I think it's classy and Paris is totally wifey material. Oh, and Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Gos and The Surreal Life thinks that the Paris album is gonna be a hit and she's not keeping her lips sealed about it! Haha, oh...and Katie Couric got bit by Tinkerbell.

TUNES!!!

You too can listen to songs from my new favorite CD, since I almost DIED listening to it.
The New Pornographers- Use It
The New Pornographers- Twin Cinema
The New Pornographers- The Bleeding Heart Show

This is my fave Stevie Wonder song.
Stevie Wonder- Superstition

And here are some Postal Service B-sides that you never wanted to pay the 99 cents to download on iTunes.
The Postal Service- Nothing Better (Styrofoam remix)
The Postal Service- Be Still My Heart

This is pretty old...as in from last year. I don't think we've posted it on here though. It's by the first Asian rapper to be signed to Ruffryderz records and one of the first semi-successful Asian rappers in general. "We should ride the train for free, we built the railroads"
Jin f/ Wyclef- Learn Chinese

A live Of Montreal show

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion,
Joe John


5 comments:

Justin said...

I heard "Cool" on the radio yesterday. All I can say is that "Serious" best be the next single.

You have no idea how much I love bumper cars. Like, oh;my;God;Woah.

Wes needs an ironic dance team à la Sparkle Motion and the Harry Potter Dance Team.

goldblatt said...

I think "Danger Zone" is one of the best songs on the Gwen albumn. Severely underrated.

"Batman Begins to Return" is truly the way they should go.
But they'll probably do something completely stupid like "Batman: Reckoning" or "Batman: Growth Spurt." Did you know that "Batman Begins was originally titled "Batman: Intimidation"?

Robin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Katey said...

Agh! I left you mere hours ago and you're making me miss you already with your witty blogging!

Also, Batman: Intimidation? Intimidating who? Michael Caine? Katie Holmes? I mean, Christian Bale was pretty awesome, but I think Cillian Murphy won on the intimidation scale. Sheesh. Stupid Hollywood. Max, get out of there.

Anonymous said...

Also, I vote for "Batman: Full Throttle."