30 June 2005

The 5 for Five Deal

Don't worry, kids, Nick Carter won't be taking a rain check on the upcoming BSB tour just because of pesky alcohol abuse. Since the entertainment biz owns L.A. law enforcement, Nick doesn't have to start his court-mandated alcohol treatment program until after the tour wraps in the fall. Tween girls everywhere raise their glasses to you, Nick.

Gays rejoice! You won't have to subject yourself to (indulge in?) WE or Oxygen anylonger. For in six hours, MTV will launch its newest network: LOGO, which is the first cable channel aimed exclusively at gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered audiences. There's just one issue: no one will be able to watch it once it's launched. As yet it hasn't been picked up by Time Warner, Comcast, DirecTV, or Dish Network. So basically, you'll have to take a trip to the Viacom building to catch it.

You know what I'm pumped about? September's Vanity Fair. Wanna know why? Because Britney may have a spread. Naked. And seven months preggers. Ok, so I'm actually projectile vomiting at the thought. We need a PetitionOnline.com petition against this. Oh, please, Jesus, don't let this come to pass. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

This is the best rumor I've heard in a while (Thanks, Nunez!): TomKat's contract. Five years marriage. No Sex. $5 million. I guess Kate's saving herself for when she actually marries a straight dude. I don't blame her.

Pumped about Franz Ferdinand's next album? Don't be. Although the band is "excited by the album" (sexually?), they are not proud of it. That's really just sad. Shouldn't they try again or something? Though that's what I thought when I heard Destiny Fulfilled for the first time.

Finally, I'm so excited about this: conservative Christians have finally realized that Jessica Simpson's a whore. Actually, they think she's "slutty". But don't feel bad that her own religion is disowning her based on her new vid. I'm sure she thinks that "slutty" is a compliment. Like "down with J.C."

And then I hear Babyface,

29 June 2005

see you l8r boi

I know you all saw the Stella premiere last night, but before we get to New York comedy socialite Jess Lane's pre-party report, a few items of business:

How Stella got it taken away again: in the most depressing and hilarious way possible, apparently. Author Terry MacMillan and pool boy or something Jonathan Plummer are getting divorced. Turns out the marriage-turned-book-turned-vh1 "movie that rocks" was all lies. Czech this fantastic one-two punch: dude only married her to get citizenship (!), and he's gay (!!) Sort of puts a damper on any sort of sequel.
That sucks, girl.

Nike ad guy: "Let's rip off a Minor Threat album cover to sell shoes."
Nike yes man: "Yes that is a good idea that could never get us in trouble."
What.. I just... I... what?! I hate America. Canada, however:

One step forward: Gay marriage officially legal in Canada.

Two steps back: This marriage also about to be legal in Canada. Avril + non-descript Sum-41 guy = do you think their babies will come out of the womb already wearing Hot Topic skull ties?

And speaking of Stella and girls getting their grooves back:

The Stella Pre-Premiere Party Report
Monday's NYC Stella party, thrown by The Onion, as told by Jess Lane.

"I got to the theater at like 5pm, then magically a line of people formed
behind me, so I was like second in line.

FREE BEER! Totally the coolest thing. We got complimentary Grolsch Flip-Tops. There were 16 ounces of beer in those Flip-Tops! Also weird:
an entire room full of people drinking the same beer. Also: NO CARDING. I
am going to go ahead and say that free beer gives me a boner.

STELLA! EPISODE 1! Best parts are: Michael Showalter's face looking
funny. David Wain being sexy. Michael Black dancing to FUNK rock. Bottom
line is, theres an emphasis on physical comedy and visual gags. Just so
much random shit. Pillows, skunk tails. I mean, by now, you've seen
it. I think its got a very vaudevillian feel, kind of some references to
silent film era comedy. Marx Brothers maybe, Chaplin. The show is
excecuted in a way that is very aware of itself as a performance piece. I
especially love when Michael Black looks into the camera.

Another interesting point of interest: highlighting the fact that women
aren't funny by making the women completely non-desirable, likable, or
amusing. Stella hates women.

There are a couple of wet hot-esque moments in the Stella episode. The
first instance being the car crashing into a tree, obvs so much like Victor
singing Danny's song and crashing into a tree. The second being the 80's
dance sequence which totally calls to mind Gene teaching Coop the NEW

Other people who I love who were in the premier: AD MILES!!!! ED
!!!!! Both total babes.

THEN the guys showed up for a Q n A. Highlights!!! Two of them!!

1. Some guy: "How'd you come up with the name Stella?" Showalter: "Do you
know those Stella D'Or Breadsticks? It's like that, only without the D'Or
Breadsticks part." That was literally the only interesting question or
answer. I'd like to see you come up with a better question.

2. Some dumb ho: "If Gary doesn't think penis in vagina is sex, then what
does he think it is?" This question was met with confused gaping mouths
from Show and Wain. Then me, the asshole, cried out, "That's the
joke!!!" Then I cackled like a witch and raped babies. That was probably
the douchiest thing I've ever done, but that girl deserved it.

Also great: David Wain talking on his cellhpone with Micheal Black because
MIB got there late. It was a spectacular entrance. And the first thing
MIB said when Wain put him on speakerphone was "Fuck the
audience." Michael Black seemed much more jokey and non-serious about his
answers, while Showalter and Wain were really laid back and chill and then
they made out with me. Just David Wain.

He is such a nazi,
Jess Lane"

That's all I've got. Will we see each other at the Malkmus/Yo La Tengo July 4th shakedown? Maybe it will take our minds off this bullshit. Maybe we'll all skip work on Tuesday to see Dan Selsam 's band. Maybe I'll just get the week off and come in tonight for David Byrne. Then maybe I'll fly home on a unicorn.

There is a woman who works here named Karen O.,

27 June 2005

Back from the abyss

I realize that this is slowly turning into a blog exclusively about TomKat and LiLo, but you've gotta read this: Matt Lauer v. Tom Cruise (On a kinda-but-not-really related note, Diane is the poorman's Katie.)

So true
This sign speaks the troof.

Ok, you love TomKat. Embrace it. Buy them a wedding gift. Dakota reports that some lameo already got them a toaster, so don't do that. She suggests chocolate and shoes. How quaint. I think I'll send a big box of Ritalin just to spite him. Yes, Ritalin comes in boxes. Tom and I evaluated and read the research papers.

I'm so sick of hearing about the stupid box office slump. I know that Hollywood helps 79% of Wes families pay tuition, but still. If people aren't going, something is wrong; fix it. Maybe if you weren't making movies about people dressing up as clowns to go clubbing, you'd attract more customers.

You thought I wasn't going to bring up Lindsay, didn't you? Well, you're as wrong as her hair color. Miss Lohan attended De Beers' opening in New York on Wednesday, and when the press asked her what she thought about how poorly the diamond monopoly treats its workers she replied, "I don't get involved in any drama." Right.

Please tell me that you've seen July's W magazine. I flipped through it at Mell's house, and it's maybe the creepiest thing ever: a SIXTY PAGE photo spread of Brangelina. For serious, it's sixty pages. Sixty pages of cold war suburban life. What I don't really understand is why W is trying to portray them as all domestic. They're supposed to be sex-symbols, damnit! And why do they have triplet boys?

How weird is it that the voices of both Tigger and Piglet died within a day of each other? It's times like these when Disney really creeps me out. Well, this and when they talk about putting things "back into the Disney Vault". I bet that's where they keep Walt's cryogenically frozen body (Note: never believe Snopes.com. Ciara was a man).

I'm going to cover some classy celeb gossip for once. Simone Simmons, Princess Diana's "friend and clairvoyant" (I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, kids), spills on the dead royal's fling with JFK jr in her upcoming book. Supposedly "it was...a pure moment of lust - the only time in her life that she had succumbed in that way." What?! And having done all that charity work in Africa? Didn't she know what they say about African men? Stupid British lady.

Lastly, the Backstreet Boys– OMG ::FOODSTUCKINMYBRACES:: I LOVE THE BACKSTREET BOYS!! Eeeeeee!– need to be mocked. Not only are they claiming they are now a rock group (yes, "Incomplete" is so hard core), but also Rolling Stone gave their new album Never Gone one star. ONE STAR. That blows my mind. Hilarious. If I made an album I'd get two stars: that's how bad one star is. Ok, enough of that.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me,

PS 100 billion hot dogs is a lot.

23 June 2005

This post is rated Zero Testes!


Katie Holmes
is slowly going from it to shit thanks to Scientology and Tom Cruise. (So gay?) Not only did he make her turn down a role that might have earned her a spot as a respectable actress, but he also caused her to lose her role in the Batman Begins sequel. I am wondering what they plan to call the movie...Batman Begins Again? Batman: You've Seen the Beginning, Now See the Best!? Suggestions? Best title gets a cookie.

Speaking of Batman, Katey it could have been worse! Your car could have been the Batmobile. We feel your pain Christian Bale, we feel your pain.

Not only is Lindsay Lohan loved by black men, but she also is recording a new album that should sound more like Keane. I could forgive you for some things Lindsay, but I think I'm already placing Amanda Bynes above you at this point. Oh, and look at this picture of Lindsay with Ryan Seacrest. While she looks cracked out, he totally just wants to do her. Apparently, Lindsay also got pissed about her song's placement in Herbie: Fully Loaded, which my viewing has been delayed for because of my inability to look at cars going fast right now. She also might be dating Diego Garcia, lead singer of Elefant, but we know how long her dating rumors last...and her uncle got arrested on fraud charges. Lindsay is just all over the news these days. Oh, and by the way bitches. The nickname "Hohan" was NEVER cool. And who do you think will wear shirts like this? I don't care how low Lindsay goes, but no one should stoop that low. However, "Free Katie" shirts are acceptable.

OH...also you stupid other bloggers...those pictures (scroll down) of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn practically spooning on the beach are from a MOVIE they're shooting. GET OVER YOURSELVES, GOODBYE! I've heard rumors about her moving on to David Schwimmer and others, but this is just starting to get ridic. Let the girl live her lonely life in peace with her pint of Haagen Daaz.

Men should take sex tips from Billy Bob Thornton...for example, on-screen sex with Halle Berry sucks, but sex with average looking/unattractive women can be the best. This man is serious.

Regina George is that you!?! What the hell Rachel McAdams?

However, you can see pictures of Jeremy Sumpter of Peter Pan and Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life...with his girlfriend. Sorry ladies....and gentlemen? (EDIT:...and other people too)

Since that was disappointing...How about some shirtless pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal to make up for it?

Britney Spears is going to listen to the Disney Princess Collection to sooth her while giving birth. I really hope the baby's head starts popping out during "Part of that World" so it's just like the really womb-like scene where Ariel swims to the top of the hollowed out rock-structure to the surface. TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!?! You know The Little Mermaid is your favorite movie! Stop denying! BTW, I took a poll last year and Ariel is the Hottest Disney Princess

Move over Britney, your sister is probably going to be more famous than you within a year. I'm sorry. Jamie Lynn Spears is making clothes yall! It's going to be like Stuff by Duff, only better! BTW, I love that Hilary Duff and Michelle Trachtenberg are besties. I know this thanks to Pink.

I can't wait until July 5th! R. Kelly will release his new album, along with a DVD of the five chapter videos of "Trapped in the Closet"...the best mini hip-hopera ever! Also it's the only other hip-hopera I know of besides MTV's Carmen starring Beyonce, Mekhi Phifer, Mos Def, Lil Bow Wow, Da Brat, Rah Digga, Jermaine Dupri, Wyclef Jean, and others. You can rent this at Blockbuster. How do I know this? Because I rented it.

Speaking of Beyonce, ever wondered the full history of Destiny's Child? Read it here.

Gwen Stefani's fourth single is "Cool", a song written about her former flame, No Doubt bassist Tony Kanal. Oh and here are some cheap giggles, at the cost of George Lucas' terrible dialogue and the aforementioned Gwen Stefani. This will not be funny unless you've Sithed. Then again, you still may not think it's that funny. Ain't "NOOOOOOO" Hollaback Girl.

Missy Elliott loves Jamaica...brownies. If you know what she means...and I think you do.

Kanye West played his new album for a few worthy ears including Common and Lil Kim. He's pretty cocky about the end product, but do you know what? I would be too if my album was co-executive produced by Jon fucking Brion and featured artists such as Jay-Z, Brandy, Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and a 20-piece orchestra. Also, the album features the line, "You know what this is? It's a celebration, bitches."

Mimi's 3rd single is "Shake it Off" and the 4th is "Say Something" f/ Snoop Dogg. She is SO emancipated and loving it! Apparently someone found some very funny Mariah Carey fan letters, which include lines like, "When you hit that high note I get a boner, the size of Florida. That was strictly a compliment, Mariah." Best thing I've ever read this past week!

Unfortunately, Coldplay is trying to steal Mimi's thunder...and is succeeding. Worst ever.

This surprisingly links the above and below blurbs...Snoop Dogg is besties with David Beckham these days, husband of Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice).

It wouldn't be a Spice Girls reunion without Scary...and therefore, it might not be a Spice Girls reunion.

The cast of Buffy is totes moving on with their careers. Alyson Hannigan (Willow) is set to star in a movie in a spoof of romantic comedies in the near future. Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy) is set to star as Alice in the thriller film based on the "Alice" videogame, which is inspired by Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Her man, Freddie Prinze Jr. will have his own show on ABC titled "Freddie". Also on that link are shows which feature Nicholas Brendan (Xander) and David Boreanaz (Angel). Also, I hear there are talk of a James Marsters/Spike movie?

I've gotten over cookies being a sometimes food, but this would be the saddest thing to ever happen to me. (thanks to Jenny M)

If anyone wants to see a hilarious video of a school dance recital with a Harry Potter theme featuring the songs, "Let's Hear it for the Boy", "Thriller", and "Hero"...check this out. Trust me, it's worth using rapidshare for. (thanks to Robin)


Hey bloggers! My mom just relocated again...for the fifth time...or more like five hundredth. It's as if she doesn't care about my feelings and whether I want to go to the hot school dances with dreamy Adam Brody rip-offs...Well, stay tuned for more in the life of a teen gypsy!

If this dialogue sounds slightly familiar to you, you may also have been victim to The Perfect Man, starring Hilary Duff & Heather Locklear. Katie mentioned how horrible it was earlier but she failed to mention the new rating system developed by a male-identified tween a few rows back. I shall use The Perfect Man as an example, which received a rating of...

No balls, ZERO testes.

So apparently, we can all rate movies by the inverse of their chick-flick-osity. For example, something with a lot of action in it and boobs would get rated FIVE testes. That's all good and all, but I'd like to see a guy with five testicles get a date. Try not to get visuals on this one. Trust me.

So what movie would receive such a rating as FIVE testes? How about this one? This one receives ZERO testes. Got it? Might I add that I watched the latter with Naomi yesterday? It was the best thing ever.

While we're still on genital talk, let's talk about Ben Affleck. Apparently he torments his co-star Christina Applegate by flashing his peen at her. He also loves putting his scrotum all up on Kevin Smith's neck. Gross.

The following is rated FIVE testes, not safe for work, not safe for your mom, and contains Tonya from the Real World 10: Chicago's boobs in Playboy. Boobs. Whatever, wasn't she the bitchy one who they almost sent home. Gross.

Fans of the Ye Olde Campus Center Rager facebook group should be happy to hear the news that Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion will become a tourist attraction upon his death. I hope it includes lots of rollercoasters that go upside down and bumper cars!

So you may be familiar with this other it girl...they call her "Paris Hilton". She apparently did this commercial where she ate hamburgers and washed cars in a bikini and sexed up everyone's eyes to the point that even vegetarians were going out to buy Carl Jr's burgers. Now she has this new commercial. It is not in English, but it is pretty funny because the site is GoYellow...I'm not even going to go into why this commercial is funny and mildly offensive. See for yourself. Whatever, I think it's classy and Paris is totally wifey material. Oh, and Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Gos and The Surreal Life thinks that the Paris album is gonna be a hit and she's not keeping her lips sealed about it! Haha, oh...and Katie Couric got bit by Tinkerbell.


You too can listen to songs from my new favorite CD, since I almost DIED listening to it.
The New Pornographers- Use It
The New Pornographers- Twin Cinema
The New Pornographers- The Bleeding Heart Show

This is my fave Stevie Wonder song.
Stevie Wonder- Superstition

And here are some Postal Service B-sides that you never wanted to pay the 99 cents to download on iTunes.
The Postal Service- Nothing Better (Styrofoam remix)
The Postal Service- Be Still My Heart

This is pretty old...as in from last year. I don't think we've posted it on here though. It's by the first Asian rapper to be signed to Ruffryderz records and one of the first semi-successful Asian rappers in general. "We should ride the train for free, we built the railroads"
Jin f/ Wyclef- Learn Chinese

A live Of Montreal show

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion,
Joe John

21 June 2005

They're showing this on both screens

By now you might have heard the news: after months of waiting, the internet has announced the premature arrival of Twin Cinema, the offspring of everyone's favorite power couple, Carl Newman and Dan Bejar (egg donated by Neko Case, obvi). There are a few great-on-first-listen moments, and my unconditional love for the New Pornographers overlooks all other inconsistencies. The album is available on my wirehog-- give it a few listens, it's a grower. Bring on the power pop. And now two related stories:

Twin Cinema
will be arriving by snail mail to Cape Cod this week, where a crew of recent Wesleyan film grads (oh fiiive) and two actors they found in Brooklyn have been picked to live in a house (Real World meets Project Greenlight stizz) while shooting a 30-minute movie. Co-written by Jeremiah Friedman and Adam Freelander, the plot includes things never before seen in any other thriller: a wheelchair, a shower, a girl and a boy. Text message updates via AD Adam as they come in.

So Joe John and I were enjoying our second listen to Twin Cinema when we were hit by a drunk driver (an 18 year old with a bad tan and a new BMW named Vanessa Voipe, whose name returned no Google items, until now). No one was hurt except campus fixture and beloved Athenian shuttle, Katey Rich's 1997 Saturn sedan, may it rest in peace. A party will be thrown this Friday in honor of the impressive carnage and our miraculous continued existance. Leave your keys in the jar, and maybe Joe John will let you look at the stitches in his tongue!

Suggested playlist so far (suggestions welcome):
that "who's got the keys to my Beamer?" song
"Leader of the Pack"
"Jailbird" (the Exploding Hearts version! tasteless double-reference.)

The Decemberists and Death Cab are playing a show August 6th in Oregon. The Pitchfork story happens to reference a few more of favorite things: summer camp, wet hot, and max goldblatt.

Oh My Rockness does a better job than I could of keeping you up to date on NYC shows. If only I had a car.

In honor of my going-on-5-week addiction to 69 Love Songs, Kings of Convenience cover "Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side" by the Magnetic Fields

On the overheard at work tip, Denzel Washington is Wesleyan-bound in early July, calling ahead to request a special visit for his daughter. Meanwhile, Jon Harbison loves to tell the story of how his mom (an administrator) kicked Paris Hilton out of her New York City catholic school for drinking in the basement of the chapel. At least she didn't go out and speed through stop signs.

I'm sorry, but the much-anticipated (maybe just by me and Eliza Ford) new Duff flick, The Perfect Man, is durst as hell. Predictable plot twists, too much crying and a conspicuous lack of on-screen make outs. Not even salvaged by the debut of Ben Feldman, now running unopposed for the title of Poor Man's Adam Brody. Meanwhile, Seth Cohen's surprise appearance in Mr. and Mrs. Smith did nothing but strengthen my theory that almost-middle-aged, muscle-bound protestants are so over. Shalom.

all i got were these lousy airbag marks,

17 June 2005

Tying the knot

I just posted two entries, so I'd feel like a blog hog if I made an all out post, but I don't want people to think that we're not keeping you up to date on today's most important news.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged. I bet you already heard from somewhere else...You know why? Because my co-bloggers are SLACKERS. J/K J/K!!!!! I totes love you both! teehee!

You was doin' 55 in a 54 zone,
Joe John

15 June 2005

I got your slippers, your dinner, your blog entry, and so much more

I could have been shot! Ok, so I was nowhere near the courthouse, but there was a shooting in Middletown.

Destiny's Child may have parted their different ways, but they still managed to sneak in one more single and video, "Cater 2 U". The question I have for you is...

Out with a bang or out with no thang?

Watch the video and debate in the comments...or don't debate and I'll cry about it.

The song itself is a slower sexalicious ballad. The video features the girls scrunched up naked together in a cave with a weird green light on them, Beyonce in a bikini, Kelly nearly dry-humping a really nice car, Michelle perpetually singing the third verse, and hot choreographed dancing in hot black elegant dresses in a hot desert.

I don't care what my momma say,
Joe John

13 June 2005

After this, I'm retiring from not being famous...

That means I should be famous. Now. No? Damnit.

Since Justin stole all the cool news for the day, I'm here to fill you in on the less important stuff that's going on in Hollywood. Props to Holly Wood for a few links here and there...

The award for It Girl of the Moment goes to Katie Holmes. Katie is on the cover of pretty much every magazine in existence nowadays...and I don't just mean the tabloids. No Hollywood couple is complete without a strange cult religion, so I'm thankful for scientology...which will ruin her career. See her photoshoot for Esquire and You.

Jessica Simpson comes in second place as this moment's "it" girl. Dukes of Hazzard looks terrible, and I refuse to see it. Obviously I will be seeing Herbie: Fully Loaded that weekend and crying over the death of Lindsay's luscious red locks. Whatever, for those of you who care, here is the stupid trailer for Dukes of Hazzard...oh yeah, and here is the unnecessarily sexy video for the worst cover song ever. Jessica was better when she was a virgin. That's a lesson ladies.

Speaking of virgins, how about The 40 Year Old Virgin? Brought to you by some people from Freaks and Geeks and that guy who was in Anchorman and Sleepover, the trailer isn't very promising.

I nearly forgot! Third place for It Girl of the Moment is none other than Mrs. Lohan. Don't I mean Ms. Lohan? No. And No. Lindsay Lohan didn't get married and keep her last name. I mean her mom. Dina Lohan is rumored to be appearing in Playboy before her daughter. Normally, I'd make a "Rumors" joke here, but I'm assuming you're probably tired of hearing that she's tired of rumors starting.

Paris Hilton is apparently retiring in two years...from what? Being an heiress? While we're at it, let's talk about the un-edited version of her Carl Jr's ad. Thank God for make-up artists!

Mimi was emancipated!...again. Mariah Carey's The Emancipation of Mimi rose back to the number one spot on the Billboard charts, knocking suckalicious Audioslave out of the number one spot.

Field reporter Amy Rosen, my future flatmate, reports to us that the age of lighters at concerts is OVER. At Z100's latest concert, not only did she see Gwen Stefani dance in a diaper-like get-up with her Harajuku Girls, but she also witnessed a DJ screaming "Everyone put your lighters up!" This demand was met by minor wooting and nearly no lighters. The DJ responded with, "I guess no one has any lighters...let me see cell phones up in the air." The reply was a sea of tween's cell phones.

Britney Spears isn't having a good time lately thanks to a fetus inside of her and a sucky reality show outside of her control. Luckily, she might be able to win us back over with her new music video. Don't forget to tune in for this week's installment of Chaotic!

NOOOOOOOO! Rilo Kiley is going on tour with Coldplay. I think I'm going to cry.

In other disappointing career move news, Bill Murray is set to do the voice of Garfield...again. Can't he take a hint from Katie Holmes and reclaim his virginity, date a hot Hollywood hunk, and star in one of the summer's biggest movies?

Apparently Ol Dirty Bastard auditioned to be Mr. Ed on the Fox remake. Someone claims that they found Mr. Bastard's audition tape. I don't know if I believe it, but it is still damn funny.


If you hate those iPod commercials as much as everyone else in the world, you might enjoy this video. I'm sure all the goons out there have already seen this.

If you can't get enough of people hungry for their 15 seconds of internet fame, this guy is willing to do a crazy dance for you on a consistent basis. Songs include...every song you never wanted to hear again. Check out dailydancer.

Hey, remember lite-brite? Now you can do it on the internet, which is awesome since you don't have to worry about losing the pieces.

Need to fill more of the boring summer hours? How about this site? It is especially designed for people who hate that stupid frog ringtone.


Going through Postal Service withdrawal? This cover song by Styrofoam may help out...
Styrofoam- I Found Love

Shoutout to Justin and Becky in the ATL!
Field Mob f/ Ludacris- Georgia

This group is apparently the new Death Cab for Cutie...
Youth Group- Skeleton Jars

Jay-Z may claim that he retired, but I guarantee he's just going to pop up on everyone's songs...kind of like this.
Kanye West f/ Jay-Z- Diamonds are Forever (remix)

This band...
Rilo Kiley- Accidntel Death
Rilo Kiley- Portions of Foxes
...should not be touring with this band.
Coldplay- Fix You

To leave you on a good note, here's my favorite M.I.A. song.
M.I.A.- 10 Dollar

Ironic pop cover of the moment...
Snow Patrol- Crazy in Love (Beyonce cover in wake of Destiny's Child split)

I've seen WNBA teams with more game than that,
Joe John

News, News, Glorious News

This is my break from trying (in vain) to program our garage doors.

Grab some Kleenex before you read this: Destiny's Child is calling it quits. Last night, MTV News reported that the group will split after completing their current tour. Supposedly the formal announcement was made after TRL today, but I have too much dignity to watch that show. Anyway, this breaks my heart a little, but as long as I never have to hear Michelle sing again I'll be fine.

And now onto the important stuff: Michael Jackson is free. This afternoon, the jury found him "not guilty" on all 10 counts. However, I'm skeptical. How competent could a jury of MJ's "peers" possible be? Whatever. I can look past that, seeing as I'm pretty pumped about this precedent. Tomorrow I'm going to hit up the local boys orphanage.

Katie Holmes has officially converted to Scientology. She used to be Roman Catholic. Maybe now she can stop with all that no sex until marriage crap?

I hate garages and their doors,

10 June 2005

Free Katie! J/K...Rowling

I'll start with the most important star of our times: Lindsay Lohan. A recent post on TVGasm reports that Lilo's slimmer figure isn't b/c she got her rexy card; she's addicted to coke...and not the kind with Splenda. She's also pounding diet pills, which is what's really hurting her image. That's so 2 years ago.

In other news, Lindsay says she's done with partying.

I'm so pissed off about The Cut, which premiered tonight on CBS. (Ew, no, I didn't watch it!) Here are my reasons:
1) I HATE Tommy Hilfiger and his clothes (yah, I said it).
2) It's 50% Apprentice, and I hate Trumpy.
3) It's 50% Project Runway, and I'm upset that this horrible show is ripping off such a great one.
4) It's on CBS.
5) Lindsay Lohan is not on it.
6) I'm an angry teen filled with rage.

Ok. I'm better now. That was cathartic. Moving on.

Free Katie T
Don't do it.

Now that Winona's been freed and Mimi's been emancipated, it's time for Katie Holmes to have her go as America's next top opressee. FreeKatie.net is selling– you guessed it– "Free Katie" shirts! Too bad they're thoroughly unoriginal and boring. Besides, Katie deserves to be oppressed... Jean Benet Ramsey style.

I am so jealous! The creator of MuggleNet Emerson Spartz received a phone call from J.K. herself asking him to come and visit her. No fair! Why doesn't anyone call me up and ask for a visit? I'm a nice guy, and I wasn't home-schooled like Mr. Spartz. Ick. Whatever, I'm over it. Maybe I'll ask Rowling why she picked him instead of me.

When Joe John sent me this, I almost perioded my pants: Degrassi's set for the big screen! I'm so pumped. Mell, we're going to the midnight showing even if there isn't one. I hope Manny gets another abortion or something.

Actually, Joe John sent me everything that's coming next, so think of this as our second joint post. It's like we're the Modern Humorist's Colton and Aboud or something...only more attractive.

Riding the Bus with My Sister was the best Hallmark-movie-about-retards-riding-busses of the year. That's a given. So why shouldn't Rosie get an Emmy for it? Oh, right, because I literally had to take a break in the middle of the movie due to her atrociously annoying acting. I wonder if she's even met/seen/channeled a mentally-challenged person. Scream some more, Rosie. I dare you.

Woah! Lindsay actually doesn't look like a coked-out slut here. I'm guessing that either her dealer was out of town or Nicole Richie grabbed the last bottle of TrimSpa at GNC. Either way her good looks didn't keep her from starting beef with Jessica Simpson post MTV Movie Awards. Oh, and the blacks love her.

A Tune!

"Cold Wind" -The Arcade Fire
You know you like The Arcade Fire. And even if you don't, you should listen to them anyway, because everyone around them died at the same time...or something.

It's not the way that I wanted; it's just the way that I needed,

07 June 2005

pardon our dust

Sorry guys, it's just gonna have to look all phunked up until new design things get figured out. Please accept this as my humble apology:

Some comedian you've never heard of crushes on M.I.A., references Gawker, and embarasses Eugene Mirman all at once, instantly bringing about world peace.

Wear the pants they'll make you brave,

[EDIT: Admissions office data entry sucks until you get a college fair card filled out by Haley Joel Osment. Let's get this class of 2010 rumor mill started right. The unfortunate effects of puberty and Secondhand Lions: discuss?]

06 June 2005

...And on the 8th day, God created Hollywood.

Lola is the best person ever. If you have a livejournal, you can now read totesumbrellas through your friends page! Click here to make it happen!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Ha! Best website ever.

Speaking of church, since when did Charlotte Church get all bad-ass on us? The soprano with a voice like an angel is becoming slightly more devilish these days as she falls into a career of pop music. She is no longer just the voice of an angel, but apparently the voice of authority. She gave Robbie Williams a big fuck you after he told her to stop smoking...She called Pavarotti a diva and George W. Bush an idiot...She criticized The Pope (aka Awesome Holy Man) about his decision to ban Harry Potter...and she told people to back off on talking smack about Britney Spears.

Speaking of Brit, since she's been pregnant she loves eating for two!...oh, and also pregnant boinking.

While most girls are left waiting months for a proposal, Paris Hilton is busy choosing which multi-million dollar ring she wants to keep.

Mariah Carey knows the only way to play golf. With heals on. Amen Mimi! Amen.

Pop princess Hilary Duff, pseudo-bad boy boyfriend Joel Madden, and brother Benji Madden are making sweet sweet...music. Unfortunately none of these songs will be better than "The Math", off her debut album.

Lindsay Lohan tells us in her new song that she wants to come first, but I put Hilary before her in this entry because she doesn't deserve it. Especially since she looks like this in her latest photoshoot. That, my friends, is not glamour. What happened to photoshoots like this? Lindsay also canoodled with Constantine from American Idol, just so she could make Jake Gyllenhaal jealous! Have some dignity Jake. Do not hit that!

Well, even if I hate Lindsay now, I'm still glad that Mean Girls took home a good amount of popcorn awards at the MTV Movie Awards. Lacey Chabert is looking better than Lindsay...this is not the way it was supposed to be! If you can't wait until June 9th to find out who won, check out this spoiler.

...And that's when I realized that everything was changing. My world was collapsing. I had grown from a young boy to a young man in seconds. In other words...When did Winnie from The Wonder Years get a body like that????

If you're name was Apple, you'd find a way to take it out on your father too. Basically, Apple Martin, baby daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, hates Coldplay too. Apple prefers Sigur Rios and The Beatles. No joke. In other news, many years from now...Apple will be attending Wesleyan and joining the facebook group, "My Name Gets A Lotta Crap, and I'm Tired of it".

Jessica Alba is also getting a lot of crap, because of these pictures which very clearly show off her nipples.

Hey all you secret Broadway enthusiasts. Stop hiding. I know your secret. I also know that you probably want to see the trailer for the movie version of RENT. I hate musicals, and that still looks good. Ashlee Simpson thought so too, considering she wants to bone married-man Taye Diggs so hard.

This just in: Scientology is sure to ruin TomKat's career. The power couple of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in danger thanks to Scientology. Because of his beliefs, Tom might be booted from Mission Impossible 3. Also because of his beliefs, Tom is stopping Katie from playing drug-addict Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl.

A few seconds after reading a rumor about Jennifer Aniston getting close to David Schwimmer, I found out she has a new man in her life post-Brad Pitt. His name is Buddha or something. Whatever, I've never even seen any movies with him starring. I can't even be mad at Brad...because he moved on from hitting that...to hitting this.

The new Batmobile is FUGLY.

I don't think I have to say much about this...Titanic in 30 seconds (and re-enacted by bunnies). While we're on the subject of cartoons I love, how about Skippy: The Goth Kangaroo?


There are some good covers in this world, but this one just blows my mind.
Tegan & Sara- When You Were Mine (Prince cover)

The exciting conclusion to R. Kelly's hip-hopera in five installments. I totally thought he said, "Now it's obvious somebody has been all up in my hole, in my bed" the first time I listened to it. It's funny how similar "home" and "hole" can sound.
R. Kelly- Trapped in the Closet (Chapter V)

Love it or hate it. Linda Perry produced it.
Kelly Osbourne- One Word

This will always be my favorite song by Badly Drawn Boy...because you obviously care so much.
Badly Drawn Boy- Above You, Below Me

The new Foo Fighters music may suck, but I still think this is one of the best summer driving songs ever.
Foo Fighters- Everlong

...and this is probably the worst summer song to ever touch your radio.
Black Eyed Peas- Don't Phunk with My Heart

I only think of you on two occasions,
Joe John

03 June 2005

Featuring everyone you ever cared about naked, except for your uncle.

As promised previously...

Threadless is having a $10 sale until June 6th! If you haven't heard of Threadless, it's a website where independent t-shirt designers submit designs for shirts. The shirts are then voted on by viewers and then the best ones are sold. The shirts range from emo, to hilarious, to offensive, to downright morbid. Some of the shirts even cover more than one of those categories.

Now, onto manuals that teach fifth graders about licking butt! Over 100 middle-school aged children saw a grown man's penis...in a pamphelet handed out at a student fair in Brookline, MA. The queer sex manual taught students how to use a condom along with teaching them about suckin', fuckin', whether to spit or swallow, licking butt, watersports, fisting (seriously, WTF?), and mutual jerkin' off. I can only say so much. See it. This is the kind of kid who will need this manual. This should have been nominated for some kind of choreography award "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"

Onward! We now look into the lives of some of the most important people in today's history...

These days, Britney Spears is all pregnant with a television show that is doing horrible in the ratings. Remember the days when she was at the height of her fame?...No, not "Oops...I Did it Again!" silly!...I mean, the Pepsi commercial. Wait? I've never seen this one. You probably haven't either, have you? Britney and some soccer balls in the other commercial.

Paris Hilton may be engaged to Paris, but word on the streets is that she's got the hots for Fiddy Cent. I guess she wants to get taken to the "Candy Shop". Mr. Cent has yet to respond to this. Paris is filming a movie in which she runs into a navel officer with her car, gets out, and then proceeds to kick him. See pictures.

Paris isn't the only one running into people. This time it's The Backstreet Boys, it's not for a movie, and it's one of their fans.

Also, this time the celebrity is the victim. Lindsay Lohan's car got trashed. In other news, Lindsay might be going to Boston University. I don't really believe this, since this is the only source of the information. If she is...then this calls for a road trip! BT-dubs, Just My Luck looks increds.

Someone please explain to me what young women see in this porcupine's excuse for a man. A Ryan Cabrera photoshoot. For those of you who have no idea who Ryan is, he is a popular rock "artist" who formerly dated Ashlee Simpson. Speaking of Ashlee, Angela from ResLife was telling me about an episode of her show where she had to change the lyrics to "La La" for her Super Bowl show. The new lyrics were, "You can dress me up in diamonds, you can dress me in a shirt. You can throw me like a lineman, I like it better when we flirt." and "I'll bring you lemonade when I meet you at the door." That my friends is CLASSIC.

Beyonce Knowles has been banned from eating curry by her trainer. Apparently, she can never be as skinny as she's like to be...Meanwhile, in this photoshoot...her ribs look bigger than her boobs.

Have you been inexplicably happy ever since you started listening to Franz Ferdinand? Well, that's because they've inserted ridiculously positive subliminal messages into their music. They plan to do the same on their second album.

WORST MASH-UP EVER. Snoop Dogg is set to play a mash-up set with The Red Hot Chili Peppers for Amsterjam. LOOK BITCHES, this may have sold records for Jay-Z and Linkin Park...but please...STOP IT.

The latest trailer for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory makes it look like it will be fantastic...contrary to my previous doubts. The only part I hate is when Will Wonka asks Veruca not to touch that squirrel's nuts. I ask Tim Burton, is that really true to the book as promised? Gene Wilder criticized this movie, saying it was only a plot to make money. Meanwhile, Gene is doing a voice for Over the Hedge, an animated movie featuring the voices of Bruce Willis, Garry Shandling, Steve Carell, and Wanda Sykes. The movie is sure to be as big of a hit as Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, Shark Tale, Robots, and let's not forget Racing Stripes.

More fun with imdb...working with Charlie Van der Poel, I have learned a lot of weird things. For starters, Orson Welles not only starred in Citizen Kane, but ALSO voiced the character of Unicron in Transformers: The Movie. Don't believe me? Also, Charlie showed me this nifty internet tool through which I discovered that Max Goldblatt has a Bacon number of only 2. That's right...Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon the easy way. I almost titled this post "Six Degrees of Max Goldblatt" but I figured that it might creep Max out considering the number of times I've mentioned him on this site and the number of hours we've spent together in real life. Whatever, the internet is the new real life.

Someone explain how I missed this...a TV movie featuring Paula Abdul and the line, "These shoes are proof that God loves us and wants us to have nice things." See the original commercial for Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning...which you already missed.

Jenny Low and fellow Peter Pan enthusiasts would love this...On June 20th, Lifetime is premiering a TV movie that is sure to beat out Riding the Bus with My Sister as the best TV movie of all time (well, not likely). The movie is about a young man who is introduced to internet pornography by one of his peers. He becomes obsessed with it. It is called Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (which totally sounds like the title of a porno itself). Oh yeah, and it's starring Jeremy Sumpter (who some would refer to as Jeremy Scrumdiddlyumptious), star of the latest Peter Pan movie.

There seems to be a curse on the third installment of Hollywood blockbusters. Do you understand a word that is coming out of my mouth? Because I said that Chris Tucker walked away from $20 million, as he also walked away from the filming of Rush Hour 3. Also, the X-Men have Xed themselves out when it comes to directors. X-Men 3 has lost it's second director, Matthew Vaughn, to personal reasons. Word on the street is that almost dropped out of Jar Jar BinksRevenge of the Sith due to self-esteem issues caused by the response to his first role. We can only hope Justin Timberlake drops out of Shrek 3.

Katie may hate me for this, but Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls, Sin City, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) seriously looks like she's from another planet. The girl is porcelain.

Avril Lavigne enthusiasts may recognize both the plot and the title of this movie. What I'd personally like to recognize is that this movie is starring Ashanti, Nicole Richie, Omarion, Joel Madden of Good Charlotte, and Noel Bastian (who played Chad Linus in 2gether). I'm going to see this the moment it comes out, can I make it anymore obvious?

Who would seriously threaten suicide to meet David Hasselhoff you ask? Someone. That's all that matters. Oh, and if you haven't seen this...watch it NOW.


Here's a picture of that (actually) gay Dave Moffatt character of The Moffatts. He recently auditioned on Canadian Idol. Word on the street is that he made it, thought I'm not so sure about Clay Aiken's clone.
Dave Moffatt and his Mof-fatty in his undies

Beneath a picture of a non-naked Hilary Duff with her cable guy, is a bevy of naked women. Their pictures were taken for an Elton John organized charity auction made to raise money to fight the AIDS epidemic. The featured ladies included Kelis, Pamela Anderson, Nikki Hilton, Kate Moss, Elle McPherson, Tatjana Patitz, Aimee Mullins, Malia Jones, Rebecca Romjin Stamos, and Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice).
See the ladies here

A super bowl half-time alternative that most straight men won't miss features a whole lot of hot chicks tackling eachother. Below is a photoshoot featuring Adrianne Curry, The Real World's Trishelle, Cindy Margolis, Willa Ford, Cynthia Lea, Holly Weber, Leila Milani, Meriah Nelson, and Shantelle Stanley. Oh yeah...and Christopher Knight and Chuck Liddell, but they're fully clothed.
Talk about SURREAL life...Peter Brady oiling up America's Next Top Model. Next thing you know, Kim Stolz will be hooking up with our favorite child actors of the past.

To this I say, who cares?
Landon from The Real World in his underwear...apparently he has a big penis.

Janet Jackson is starring in her boy toy Jermaine Dupri's video as a sexy stripper...
but I bet she didn't think we'd see her sunbathing.

Apparently, Pink still exists.
See her all dolled up and covering her boobies

Halle Berry might show all in Playboy...but we'll have to wait and see. Apparently, Britney Spears offered to pose, but asked for too much money...

Moving on...


See what all the rage is about...
Architecture in Helsinki- Do the Whirlwind
I'm partial to the Haima Remix of that song.

We talk about her all the time, so we might as well post a song about her...which has ridiculous lyrics I tell you.
Mu- Paris Hilton
See the video here, because this blog doesn't exoticize Asian people enough.

During one night of late-night printmaking...someone was playing Slick Rick. Having listened to a lot of his music, I have to say that I love his mode of telling stories of his sexual conquests. I especially love when he uses his "female voice".
Slick Rick- Mona Lisa

Here's a song by some more Canadians...
Novillero- The Hypothesist
Here is another one...
Novillero- Art of Carrying On
Hot damn.

R. Kelly has recently talked about a hip-hopera in five chapters that he is compiling. Here is the fourth chapter. It's kind of boring in the beginning but it gets all sorts of intense towards the end. I'm embarassed to admit that I was kind of rocking out to it. Then she cries out, "Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax" and I say, "cool, climax!"
R. Kelly- Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4)
Ok, so I'm kind of obsessed with it.

That's all for today.

Hold me like you did by the lake in Naboo,
Joe John

Skippy the Goth Kangaroo