28 May 2005

This is a post about a dog named Lucky...

I've spent a moment away from the blogosphere, but I'm back and better than ever. Ok, well maybe I'm just back. I got some hot news, so you better read all this shiz or at least browse it thoroughly!

Let's get this party started...

Early morning. He wakes up. Knock, knock, knock on the door. It's the new owners, and they're ready to claim their new dog. Apparently, Lucky isn't that lucky. To make room for K-Fed, Britney Spears had to get rid of her Chihuahua Lucky because he'd snap at her hubby. It was him or the dog, and she chose him. Bad decision Brit...well, at least I know that you're happy and the sex is great thanks to this past week's edition of Chaotic. But I feel kind of sorry for Lucky...I'm sure he's going to miss Lacy Loo and Bit Bit.

While we're on the subject of Britney, let's talk about Jason Alexander, her first husband, not to be confused with this Jason Alexander. Her first hubby is remarkably more attractive than Kevin Federline without being actually attractive. If you dare, see him without a shirt.

Also, to keep on the topic of Britney's exes, how about that Justin Timberlake? His mama is set to release a biography of her son, because she's as tired of rumors starting as LiLo.

Ok, so to continue the trend of people who Britney smooched...Madonna? Her new album is set to be released next January and is entitled Defying Gravity. Personally, I wonder if this is a reference to the song in Wicked. ::shrug:: Whatever, this album is guaranteed to be better than American Life.

Whatevs! I didn't even have patience to read this article because all I was thinking is that Wesleyan did the whole porn class thing before anyone else! We weren't featured on mtv.com, were we? Bitches.

BEST THING EVER ALERT: This is just a mere excerpt of a hilarious interpretation of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl"..."Here, Gwen steps away from this bloody spectacle for a moment to comment on the madness and ugliness of what we’ve just witnessed, and, by extension, the petty rivalries of high school in general. This shit is bananas, Gwen tells us, and we can only agree. And lest we miss the point, she spells it out. And repeats it another three times." This had me actually LOL-ing alone in my room.

Lindsay isn't the only one with daddy problems. Beyonce Knowles has recently fired her father as her manager. Strangely enough...it was over her back-up dancers. On another note, I wonder if Beyonce's mom still designs her clothing. My guess...No. In other Beyonce-related news, Coldplay wants her...in their video.

The cast of NBC's hit show Friends is set to reunite...for more episodes? No. For a movie! Personally I am grossed out by the prospect and do not look forward to it at all. I mean, it'll be like that Saved by the Bell movie where Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris get married all over again.

David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston aren't the only ones getting set to relive their past...Word on the street is that The Spice Girls are talking about reuniting for a ten year anniversary tour. Even Geri might come back. Yowzers!

Ok, while we're on the subject of the musical crazes of our generation...how about some news on Hanson? The brothers are releasing a documentary on their struggle with Island/Def Jam. You can watch the trailer here or visit the main site here. I suspect it will be the feel good movie of the year, if not this decade.

I'm not as extremely opposed to Louis XIV as most people, but I don't love them. However, I do chuckle at the fact that they're trying to sell their music with boobage. BEWARE: This link is not safe for work as it contains topless girls.

This video, however, is safe for work...and it's quite possibly the cutest thing ever. She never looks at her hands! I know you've all been longing to see a broadcast from North Korean and Japanese television of a little girl playing the xylophone with the force of ten thousand gazelles.

I know. You've been waiting to hear it. What's the dealio with LiLo? Well, in recent news it appears that Lindsay Lohan's boobs are (or were rather) too big for Disney. Disney had to go back it and digitally reduce her busty-ness for Herbie: Fully Loaded because she was apparently too loaded with boobage. Well it's a shame that Disney couldn't fix her current busted self. Ugh, I don't even want to talk about the pictures of her in a bikini. Here's a link to a video of Lindsay from better times. The only bad thing about this video is that the maker chose to include Sum41 as background music. Do you see that? That's a site of glory...Lindsay posing with young fans for pictures and living life to the fullest. Nowadays, she's smoking the pain away and rumored to be with a different guy every week (This week, Jared Leto). If you care at all, you can see some screen shots of her on SNL (scroll down past Britney) , which Justin (Holzwarth, not to be confused with Timberlake even though both are chased by millions of teen fans every day) mentioned in his last post.

Tiny indie rockers Smoosh are shooting a video for "La Pump". Just in case you were wondering.

"I'm Willy Wonka and I'm gonna show you the chocolate factory. Do you know what I mean? I'm gonna be the tour guide that has access to get in there and do it. Basically, we're going to Candyland."- Tara Reid on hosting "Wild On". In other news, she's boning Tommy Lee hardcore to trailer shaking proportions.

This can't be for serious...Star Wars Episode 0? If this is for real, it's going to be the McShittiest thing ever...think about it. A prequel to The Phantom Menace.

Kelly Clarkson may have a fabulous new single and a hot video to accompany said single, but she clearly is a sheltered young woman. When asked who she thought was going to win this season of American Idol...she replied, "I don't even know who Bo is". Kelly, you need to get with the program! Next thing, you're going to be telling me that you don't even know what a blog is...

Another Kelly has also just released her new video. Kelly Osbourne's "One Word" video is actually spectacular despite the mediocre song. She also looks fabulous...and I love the way she takes pictures in it. I'm totally about to start taking pictures like that, so watch the video so you're hip on my pop culture picture-taking reference.

Don't mess with the Lord..."He'll call you when he's ready". This is advice that rapper Ma$e gave to DMX that has encouraged X to re-enter the world of rap. Stop, drop, and open up shop...again.

MAJOR MAKEOVER...see how Star Jones, Renee Zellweger, Nicole Richie, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Murphy, Britney Spears, and Anna Nicole have changed over time with some creepy before and after photos.

Get over yourself, goodbye! Kea from failed WB Popstars group Eden's Crush has clearly gotten over her terrible girl group and became a member of The Pussycat Dolls. Aww...it's like her second chance at fame! They've been working with some pretty fat people...I mean phat. Who uses that word anymore? I'll tell you who. Hot burlesque chicks gone R&B stars who have videos with Busta Rhymes.

OMG...vote for this year's Teen Choice Awards! You can totally vote for things that haven't even been released in movie theaters just because you know they're going to be that good.

Jermaine Dupri, who produced Mariah Carey's hit single "It's Like That", is now fearing that he will become the next Darth Vader. Sadly, I care about nothing in this article, but the fact that Mariah's next single is "Shake it Off"...and I am creaming my pants for joy.

Um, this is the last thing I ever expected to hear. Jada Pinkett-Smith's band Wicked Wisdom is added to the lineup for...::drumroll, please::...Ozzfest. Yes. Really. There's no way they are going to survive.

And now the moment I've personally been saving for last...

MIGHTY MOSHIN' EMO RANGERS!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Two British dudes joined forces to bring us what is sure to be the best movie since How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The film not only spoofs emo kids, but also (quite obviously) the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Instead of the bad-ass metal morphers the Power Rangers wore...the Emo Rangers wear "Sweatband Morphers". Their powers are weeping tears, chronic stoner, introspection, chaos mohawk, and bleeding heart. You should check out the main site so you can watch the trailer, download the theme, buy a hoodie, and then cry yourself to sleep.

I know, I know! This is starting to get long...so without further ado...

TUNES!

This song changed my life a little. It's a campy, comedic spoken word dance tune about being a super cool partier and not dropping out of school. "You can't get these nutrients from a blowpop, so make sure you consume some fruits and vegetables at every meal. Your colon will thank you. Fruits and vegetables are the rizzle dizzle. Fo shizzle!"
Ed Shepp-Partydance

Audiography, an awesome livejournal community, has recently revolutionized my iTunes. Their recent weekly theme was cover songs, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
DECENT/GOOD COVERS...
Matt Nathanson- Starfish and Coffee (Prince cover)
Bettie Serveert- Lover I Don't Have to Love (Bright Eyes cover)
The Chapin Sisters- Toxic (completely re-transformed Britney Spears cover)
EDIT for Max: Nina Gordon- Straight Outta Compton (N.W.A. cover)
EDIT: Max Goldblatt has informed me in the comments that 1/3 of The Chapin Sisters is Lily Chapin, Wesleyan University Class of '04. CRAZY!

Go HERE and d/l all the Emm Gryner covers if you're the kind of person who loves awesome piano re-invented covers. My personal favorites are her cover of Straight to Hell (The Clash), Song 2 (Blur), Breathless (The Corrs), and Pour Some Sugar on Me (Def Leppard). I mean, they're all good...Just download them.
Fall Out Boy- Roxanne (The Police cover)

Wanna be cool like Katie B? Well, now you can! Dear ol' Katie introduced me to this song, which I proceeded to become obsessed with.
The Exploding Hearts- Sleeping Aides and Razorblades
You can get the whole album here.

Brand New Kanye West? Literally...the song is called "Brand New". I can't decide whether I hate it or love it.
Kanye West- Brand New

Here's that song from The O.C. that everyone is obsessing over on the blogs. I think it kind of sucks.
Imogen Heap- Hide and Seek

From what I have heard, I like Maximo Park a lot. I just found a song off their new album, and haven't really listened to it much. It seems to have a much more Killers-esque vibe than the tracks I heard previously. I think I like it.
Maximo Park- Limassol

This song is what would happen if you put Missy Elliott, Peaches, Le Tigre's "Cars that go Boom", an electronic drum kit, and the theme to a video game...in a blender and then served it with tiny little drink umbrellas. Totesumbrellas that is.
Robyn- Konichiwa Bitches

And here's a mash-up just for good measure. The fact that this involved Nickelback worried me, but it actually kind of works.
Scissor Sisters vs. Nickelback- Take Your Mama Fighting

OK, well hopefully that's enough material to keep you occupied for a day or two. On that note, I'm out.

Showing you the chocolate factory,
Joe John

NEXT:
Awesome t-shirts and guides on homosexuality for fifth graders!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

that was a really good post.
you've got a hater though.
from josh pavlacky's facebook page:
"I also hate the word "totes" and any shortening of something to make it sound "old school" and "fun." It's "totes stupid" to do so. (See didn't that just sound completely idiotic, even reading it hurts."

Justin said...

Katie B. is not cool! She hasn't posted in like 1/2 my life. That's right, Katie, I just slandered you on our own blog!

Goldblatt said...

For Wesleyan historians:
1/3 of The Chapin Sisters
is Lily Chapin
Wesleyan class of 04.

Max said...

I'm disappointed that among the "Decent Covers" there is a distinct absence of Nina Gordon's rendition of the NWA classic "Straight Outta Compton". I also feel Devo's rendition of "Satisfaction" should have a presence.

Joe John said...

Easy tiger!...I could only post things that were shared on the livejournal community. I believe both of those were on there, but they were probably Rapidshare links or expired YouSendit links. I apologize dear, and will strive to satisfy the readers by searching beyond.

nat Webb said...

Best thing I've read in a while: "Lucas does not need money after the success of the first six films and will try and take a back-seat throughout production."

YES. If there is another Star Wars film, George Lucas best keep his grubby hands out of it.

Also, I have watched this Louis XIV, and the song sucks, and the boobage is wholly gratuitous and clearly a ploy to get people to watch what is really a mediocre and pointless video.

So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

PS Man, LiLo used to be so frickin' hot...

Justin said...

Tonight I had a long conversation with five 14 year old girls (read: my posse), and we decided that we should send care packages to Ms. Lohan. RIP hottness.

katie b said...

listen to me: i want you to think about the last time you heard a dial up modem in real life. now i want you to imagine trying to do anything on a connection powered by an arthritic hamster.

i will be back on campus/totes tomorrow night (jjsIII do you have my keys?). preview: zach braff and adam brody get punk'd back to back. ashton kutcher = anti-semite? developing.

exploding hearts = truth. if only they were as posthumously prolific as tupac, or rodney dangerfield.

MMMM THE SOUTH.

mell said...

points of order (quite long):

first of all, thank you for a long delicious post to complete my memorial day.

2) somebody needs to mention about how you have to register to poke around some parts of IMDB.com now! doood!

3) I like the Imogen Heap song...but mostly only the part from the OC and the end. I ff to it a lot.

4) the xylophone girl--thanks for making it a part of my life. it was awesome awesome awesome.

4) KELLY CLARKSON RULLLLLES

5) KELLY OSBOURNE DROOLS (and I saw that Making the Video 10 million years ago...aka early april..and her "explaination" about how her "character" was all for "women's rights in prostitution" was ka-razy)

6)Is Robyn the Robyn from elementary school that sang "show me love"? I loved that cd. So catchy. and so homogenous.

7) justin, i hope you're watching "Romy and Michele: In the Beginning"