24 May 2005

Katie Holmes: Famous By Association

I know that some of you will inevitably be looking for a way to reel in some extra cash this summer, and what better way than at Chuck-E-Cheese's? And as a mascot nonetheless. However, before you put on the big guy's (not God) suit for the first time, here are some helpful tips. My personal favorites:
1. Never share a suit with someone who has been eating Salt and Vinigar potato chips before you.
2. To get rid of an annoying tail puller w/o lawsuit, make it look like the tail puller pulled you down and sit on him hard.

My younger brother graduated from high school on Saturday. Between him having everything and me having no money, this is what I decided on as a gift. $25.58 (Canadian) of nothing! I'm so thrifty.

So I hear that Tom Cruise totally lost it on Oprah yesterday. Falling to his knees, jumping on the furniture, the works. He's going to "discuss" marriage with Katie Holmes, which makes me wonder if she has the worst gay-dar ever. Of course. the engagement will be contingent on whether War of the Worlds beats Batman Begins at the boxoffice next month, because Cruise isn't having that "oblivious, WB ho" beating him.

In related news, Katie Holmes may be cast in the Mission Impossible 3 role that eatingly-challenged Lindsay Lohan wanted. So maybe Katie's not as dumb as I thought. I'd marry a gay man if it meant starring in MI3, wouldn't you?

Speaking of Lindsay (I'm all about the transitions today!), she hosted SNL's season finale on Saturday, and it was pretty sad. Like watching kittens drown. I read that her monologue was amazing, but alas my TiVo is spending the summer in Middletown storage, and I started watching at 12:50. But Linds was looking pretty sickly. When introducing Coldplay, she looked like a pale Donatella Versace. Pretty soon Mya Rudolph'll be impersonating her, but I did enjoy watching Rexy Linsday play a Star Wars freak who dates 35 year olds.

Raise your hand if you like objectifying black people! I see that hand, kid, and so does God. Anyway, Disney is planning to release its infamous Song of the South on DVD next year. But don't worry, non-racists, there'll be plenty of special features letting viewers know that Disney no long hates black people, BUT THEY'RE SAYING NOTHING ABOUT THEIR STANCE ON JEWS. Those sneaky dogs.

Just in case you're the one person who still doesn't have M.I.A.'s album, "Galang" is the iTunes Single-of-the-Week. That means it's free. That means you should download it. See my logic?

Gerard Way
I know your secrets, and I'm going to share them with the world!

The next My Chemical Romance single's going to be "The Ghost of You." I shouldn't know this. You shouldn't know this. The world shouldn't know this. But we do. Why? Because Gerard Way is the_worst_secret-keeper_ever.com. "Actually, the next video is for 'The Ghost of You.' I have to keep my lips sealed, though. I can't talk about what it's going to be." Smooth. Gerard's besties beware: he will tell people about that time when you cheated on your girlfriend with a dude, and he'll do it while creepily cackling through is baby-teeth.

Can you handle my truth,
Justin

PS Please go to Carl's Jr.com and watch the Paris ad. It is sex.

3 comments:

nat Webb said...

Oh... for a while I thought you had actually bought your bro nothing at all. And it had somehow gotten listed on Amazon. And the reviews were jokes.

Um, I don't know...

melly clarkson said...

ohhhhh I sure hope My Chemical Romance's new video doesn't disappoint since the first two were FUCKING AWESOME! I swear, after I discovered them, Tamara and I sat in her room watching them over and over on blurry full screen on her computer. I still laugh my ass off everytime they tackle the mascot.

And WHY did you not discuss "behind these hazel eyes" as i requested? I'll forgive you...this time.

Joe John said...

Melly Dear is right..."Behind these Hazel Eyes" is fantastic. Also, Paris Hilton's burger ad is ridic. ALSO, Chaotic was great this week...and will be EVERY week.