31 May 2005

Important Stuff

First order of business: since I'm the unofficial matrimony announcer, I'm taking it upon myself to shout from the internet's rooftop something you've probably already heard... but not from us: Paris and ...umm.... Paris are engaged. This whole situation kinda reminds me of Ye Olde Middle Ages, when kings wed their children to unite kingdoms. Though I'm still not entirely sure what Hilton and a shipping company could spawn. Mail-order hotels?

Now that that's outta the way, did you know that The O.C.'s Harbor School exists?! Well, kinda. Newport Beach, CA's public high is called Newport Harbor High. Whatever, I thought it was neat.

And now for "Why Corporations Scare Me," a [short but powerful] blog-essay by Justin:
I remember back in the day, when gas only cost $1.99 and there was still a man dangling from a crane above The Cheesecake Factory on Peachtree Street, mega-conglomerates didn't screw things up. Execs would sit in their corner offices with antique wood paneling and play in their ergonomic swivel chairs all day long. But now, my friends, times have changed, and The Man has stood up from his eighteen-hundred dollar chair. Covering-up news? No biggie. A ringtone that tops the charts? All in a day's work. This needs to stop, people, because the real world is starting to scare me. And people wonder why I sit at my computer all day. I DON'T WANT TO STEP FOOT IN TODAY'S WORLD. It's chilling. It really is.

Remember when McDonald's used to have a special shake every month? Actually, they may still do that. I haven't had a McDonald's shake since I started dressing myself. Anyway, this is what I want right now.

Got something you want to get off your chest (other than that pesky nubbin)? Want the whole world to know? Well, The NY Times has uncovered your savior: NotProud.com. Church confession is so 2004.

Speaking of saviors, it seems that Our Lord Jesus Christ was one of the first plastic surgeons. My friend Roe's grandfather also made the list, which obvi means that he's the Jesus of our times. I should meet him.

You know what I'm excited about? The MTV Movie Awards. Because it's the 20th anniversary of The Breakfast Club, and the cast is being reunited, baby! Though, Emilio isn't confirmed for the event. Whatevs, jocks are lame. And Yellowcard'll be covering "Don't You Forget About Me"?! Oh Em Gee, OMG!!!

This may be the most amazing site ever (well, other than Crying While Eating): PostSecret. Other than the one in WordArt, these confessions are amazing. Most are kinda depression/self-indulgent/horibly mean, but they are so fun to look at!

I'm going to submit to PostSecret,

PS: "Deep Throat" has been identified! I'm not even going to touch that one.

See you next tuesday, you is a punk

I am back in New England, fully mobile thanks to KRich who did not want her car in Manhattan. And so, the first installment of the New York Summer Fun Club, compiled from venue and band schedules on a completely subjective and unfair basis.

Updates (as well as a Boston equivalent) on their way asap.

3 – Electrelane – Bowery Ballroom
3-4 – Williamsburg short film competition, music, dancing – Northsix
4 – Sondre Lerche – Soundfix Records (4 p.m. show)
5 – Travis Morrison - Northsix (former frontman of the dismemberment plan [r.i.p.])
6 – Futureheads – Webster Hall
7 – M.I.A., Diplo - S.O.B.’s
7 – Stephen Malkmus – Irving Plaza (sold out, left on this list as a cautionary tale to all ticket procrastinators)
8-9 – Spoon – Webster Hall
10 – L.C.D. Soundsystem – Webster Hall
10 – Robot Ate Me - Tonic
12 – Architecture in Helsinki – Knitting Factory
13 – Architecture in Helsinki – Northsix
14 – Pixies, Interpol, L.C.D. Soundsystem, etc. – Jones Beach Amphitheater
14-15 – Bloc Party – Webster Hall
16-17 – Iron & Wine – Webster Hall*
17-19 – Jonathan Richman – Northsix
23 – Sleater-Kinney – Roseland Ballroom
23 – Junior Senior – Mercury Lounge
24 – The Get Up Kids – Webster Hall
25 – New Pornographers, Stars – Prospect Park (free!)*
26 – Ted Leo – Irving Plaza
29 – David Byrne – Summerstage

7 – Clem Snide – Castle Clinton
9 – Do Make Say Think – Bowery Ballroom
10 – Say Anything – Knitting Factory (friends of mr. schranz)
13 – The Bravery – Webster Hall (for mr. holzwarth)
14 – Dinosaur Jr., Broken Social Scene - Summerstage
14 – Tegan and Sara – Webster Hall
21 – M. Ward – Castle Clinton
22 – Lightning Bolt – Tonic
22 – M. Ward – Maxwell’s*

7 – M.I.A., Diplo – Summerstage
10 – Devo – Hammerstein Ballroom
19 – Sufjan Stevens – Bowery Ballroom*

(* = definites as far as I can tell, if you need a ride, etc.)

There must be a way to use this for non-political purposes. Dinner invites? Dance updates?

Believer Magazine is taking a break from their busy schedule of making liberal arts students/freelance artists feel really smart and important to gear up for their double music issue!! Promises so far: an interview with Karen O. by Carrie Brownstein of Sleater-Kinney, an article on the Danielson Famile, and interviews with Beck and (wait for it) Smooooooosh (yes yes). The accompanying CD will include 17 covers by Devendra Banhart, the Constantines, Spoon, the Mountain Goats, and the Decemberists, etc. etc. No wonder Rory Gilmore has a gigantic poster of Dave Eggers in her dorm room.

From field reporter Eliza Ford: Crying While Eating. God Bless America.

Finally, some stuff stolen from Adam and Max, who unlike Eliza will not be on campus tonight to eat Typhoon and cry for the death of a dance party era:

M.I.A. + Rapture = Jealous Bucky

Modern Love + We Will Rock You = Modern Rock

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants comes out tomorrow holy shit,

28 May 2005

This is a post about a dog named Lucky...

I've spent a moment away from the blogosphere, but I'm back and better than ever. Ok, well maybe I'm just back. I got some hot news, so you better read all this shiz or at least browse it thoroughly!

Let's get this party started...

Early morning. He wakes up. Knock, knock, knock on the door. It's the new owners, and they're ready to claim their new dog. Apparently, Lucky isn't that lucky. To make room for K-Fed, Britney Spears had to get rid of her Chihuahua Lucky because he'd snap at her hubby. It was him or the dog, and she chose him. Bad decision Brit...well, at least I know that you're happy and the sex is great thanks to this past week's edition of Chaotic. But I feel kind of sorry for Lucky...I'm sure he's going to miss Lacy Loo and Bit Bit.

While we're on the subject of Britney, let's talk about Jason Alexander, her first husband, not to be confused with this Jason Alexander. Her first hubby is remarkably more attractive than Kevin Federline without being actually attractive. If you dare, see him without a shirt.

Also, to keep on the topic of Britney's exes, how about that Justin Timberlake? His mama is set to release a biography of her son, because she's as tired of rumors starting as LiLo.

Ok, so to continue the trend of people who Britney smooched...Madonna? Her new album is set to be released next January and is entitled Defying Gravity. Personally, I wonder if this is a reference to the song in Wicked. ::shrug:: Whatever, this album is guaranteed to be better than American Life.

Whatevs! I didn't even have patience to read this article because all I was thinking is that Wesleyan did the whole porn class thing before anyone else! We weren't featured on mtv.com, were we? Bitches.

BEST THING EVER ALERT: This is just a mere excerpt of a hilarious interpretation of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl"..."Here, Gwen steps away from this bloody spectacle for a moment to comment on the madness and ugliness of what we’ve just witnessed, and, by extension, the petty rivalries of high school in general. This shit is bananas, Gwen tells us, and we can only agree. And lest we miss the point, she spells it out. And repeats it another three times." This had me actually LOL-ing alone in my room.

Lindsay isn't the only one with daddy problems. Beyonce Knowles has recently fired her father as her manager. Strangely enough...it was over her back-up dancers. On another note, I wonder if Beyonce's mom still designs her clothing. My guess...No. In other Beyonce-related news, Coldplay wants her...in their video.

The cast of NBC's hit show Friends is set to reunite...for more episodes? No. For a movie! Personally I am grossed out by the prospect and do not look forward to it at all. I mean, it'll be like that Saved by the Bell movie where Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris get married all over again.

David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston aren't the only ones getting set to relive their past...Word on the street is that The Spice Girls are talking about reuniting for a ten year anniversary tour. Even Geri might come back. Yowzers!

Ok, while we're on the subject of the musical crazes of our generation...how about some news on Hanson? The brothers are releasing a documentary on their struggle with Island/Def Jam. You can watch the trailer here or visit the main site here. I suspect it will be the feel good movie of the year, if not this decade.

I'm not as extremely opposed to Louis XIV as most people, but I don't love them. However, I do chuckle at the fact that they're trying to sell their music with boobage. BEWARE: This link is not safe for work as it contains topless girls.

This video, however, is safe for work...and it's quite possibly the cutest thing ever. She never looks at her hands! I know you've all been longing to see a broadcast from North Korean and Japanese television of a little girl playing the xylophone with the force of ten thousand gazelles.

I know. You've been waiting to hear it. What's the dealio with LiLo? Well, in recent news it appears that Lindsay Lohan's boobs are (or were rather) too big for Disney. Disney had to go back it and digitally reduce her busty-ness for Herbie: Fully Loaded because she was apparently too loaded with boobage. Well it's a shame that Disney couldn't fix her current busted self. Ugh, I don't even want to talk about the pictures of her in a bikini. Here's a link to a video of Lindsay from better times. The only bad thing about this video is that the maker chose to include Sum41 as background music. Do you see that? That's a site of glory...Lindsay posing with young fans for pictures and living life to the fullest. Nowadays, she's smoking the pain away and rumored to be with a different guy every week (This week, Jared Leto). If you care at all, you can see some screen shots of her on SNL (scroll down past Britney) , which Justin (Holzwarth, not to be confused with Timberlake even though both are chased by millions of teen fans every day) mentioned in his last post.

Tiny indie rockers Smoosh are shooting a video for "La Pump". Just in case you were wondering.

"I'm Willy Wonka and I'm gonna show you the chocolate factory. Do you know what I mean? I'm gonna be the tour guide that has access to get in there and do it. Basically, we're going to Candyland."- Tara Reid on hosting "Wild On". In other news, she's boning Tommy Lee hardcore to trailer shaking proportions.

This can't be for serious...Star Wars Episode 0? If this is for real, it's going to be the McShittiest thing ever...think about it. A prequel to The Phantom Menace.

Kelly Clarkson may have a fabulous new single and a hot video to accompany said single, but she clearly is a sheltered young woman. When asked who she thought was going to win this season of American Idol...she replied, "I don't even know who Bo is". Kelly, you need to get with the program! Next thing, you're going to be telling me that you don't even know what a blog is...

Another Kelly has also just released her new video. Kelly Osbourne's "One Word" video is actually spectacular despite the mediocre song. She also looks fabulous...and I love the way she takes pictures in it. I'm totally about to start taking pictures like that, so watch the video so you're hip on my pop culture picture-taking reference.

Don't mess with the Lord..."He'll call you when he's ready". This is advice that rapper Ma$e gave to DMX that has encouraged X to re-enter the world of rap. Stop, drop, and open up shop...again.

MAJOR MAKEOVER...see how Star Jones, Renee Zellweger, Nicole Richie, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Murphy, Britney Spears, and Anna Nicole have changed over time with some creepy before and after photos.

Get over yourself, goodbye! Kea from failed WB Popstars group Eden's Crush has clearly gotten over her terrible girl group and became a member of The Pussycat Dolls. Aww...it's like her second chance at fame! They've been working with some pretty fat people...I mean phat. Who uses that word anymore? I'll tell you who. Hot burlesque chicks gone R&B stars who have videos with Busta Rhymes.

OMG...vote for this year's Teen Choice Awards! You can totally vote for things that haven't even been released in movie theaters just because you know they're going to be that good.

Jermaine Dupri, who produced Mariah Carey's hit single "It's Like That", is now fearing that he will become the next Darth Vader. Sadly, I care about nothing in this article, but the fact that Mariah's next single is "Shake it Off"...and I am creaming my pants for joy.

Um, this is the last thing I ever expected to hear. Jada Pinkett-Smith's band Wicked Wisdom is added to the lineup for...::drumroll, please::...Ozzfest. Yes. Really. There's no way they are going to survive.

And now the moment I've personally been saving for last...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Two British dudes joined forces to bring us what is sure to be the best movie since How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The film not only spoofs emo kids, but also (quite obviously) the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Instead of the bad-ass metal morphers the Power Rangers wore...the Emo Rangers wear "Sweatband Morphers". Their powers are weeping tears, chronic stoner, introspection, chaos mohawk, and bleeding heart. You should check out the main site so you can watch the trailer, download the theme, buy a hoodie, and then cry yourself to sleep.

I know, I know! This is starting to get long...so without further ado...


This song changed my life a little. It's a campy, comedic spoken word dance tune about being a super cool partier and not dropping out of school. "You can't get these nutrients from a blowpop, so make sure you consume some fruits and vegetables at every meal. Your colon will thank you. Fruits and vegetables are the rizzle dizzle. Fo shizzle!"
Ed Shepp-Partydance

Audiography, an awesome livejournal community, has recently revolutionized my iTunes. Their recent weekly theme was cover songs, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Matt Nathanson- Starfish and Coffee (Prince cover)
Bettie Serveert- Lover I Don't Have to Love (Bright Eyes cover)
The Chapin Sisters- Toxic (completely re-transformed Britney Spears cover)
EDIT for Max: Nina Gordon- Straight Outta Compton (N.W.A. cover)
EDIT: Max Goldblatt has informed me in the comments that 1/3 of The Chapin Sisters is Lily Chapin, Wesleyan University Class of '04. CRAZY!

Go HERE and d/l all the Emm Gryner covers if you're the kind of person who loves awesome piano re-invented covers. My personal favorites are her cover of Straight to Hell (The Clash), Song 2 (Blur), Breathless (The Corrs), and Pour Some Sugar on Me (Def Leppard). I mean, they're all good...Just download them.
Fall Out Boy- Roxanne (The Police cover)

Wanna be cool like Katie B? Well, now you can! Dear ol' Katie introduced me to this song, which I proceeded to become obsessed with.
The Exploding Hearts- Sleeping Aides and Razorblades
You can get the whole album here.

Brand New Kanye West? Literally...the song is called "Brand New". I can't decide whether I hate it or love it.
Kanye West- Brand New

Here's that song from The O.C. that everyone is obsessing over on the blogs. I think it kind of sucks.
Imogen Heap- Hide and Seek

From what I have heard, I like Maximo Park a lot. I just found a song off their new album, and haven't really listened to it much. It seems to have a much more Killers-esque vibe than the tracks I heard previously. I think I like it.
Maximo Park- Limassol

This song is what would happen if you put Missy Elliott, Peaches, Le Tigre's "Cars that go Boom", an electronic drum kit, and the theme to a video game...in a blender and then served it with tiny little drink umbrellas. Totesumbrellas that is.
Robyn- Konichiwa Bitches

And here's a mash-up just for good measure. The fact that this involved Nickelback worried me, but it actually kind of works.
Scissor Sisters vs. Nickelback- Take Your Mama Fighting

OK, well hopefully that's enough material to keep you occupied for a day or two. On that note, I'm out.

Showing you the chocolate factory,
Joe John

Awesome t-shirts and guides on homosexuality for fifth graders!

24 May 2005

Katie Holmes: Famous By Association

I know that some of you will inevitably be looking for a way to reel in some extra cash this summer, and what better way than at Chuck-E-Cheese's? And as a mascot nonetheless. However, before you put on the big guy's (not God) suit for the first time, here are some helpful tips. My personal favorites:
1. Never share a suit with someone who has been eating Salt and Vinigar potato chips before you.
2. To get rid of an annoying tail puller w/o lawsuit, make it look like the tail puller pulled you down and sit on him hard.

My younger brother graduated from high school on Saturday. Between him having everything and me having no money, this is what I decided on as a gift. $25.58 (Canadian) of nothing! I'm so thrifty.

So I hear that Tom Cruise totally lost it on Oprah yesterday. Falling to his knees, jumping on the furniture, the works. He's going to "discuss" marriage with Katie Holmes, which makes me wonder if she has the worst gay-dar ever. Of course. the engagement will be contingent on whether War of the Worlds beats Batman Begins at the boxoffice next month, because Cruise isn't having that "oblivious, WB ho" beating him.

In related news, Katie Holmes may be cast in the Mission Impossible 3 role that eatingly-challenged Lindsay Lohan wanted. So maybe Katie's not as dumb as I thought. I'd marry a gay man if it meant starring in MI3, wouldn't you?

Speaking of Lindsay (I'm all about the transitions today!), she hosted SNL's season finale on Saturday, and it was pretty sad. Like watching kittens drown. I read that her monologue was amazing, but alas my TiVo is spending the summer in Middletown storage, and I started watching at 12:50. But Linds was looking pretty sickly. When introducing Coldplay, she looked like a pale Donatella Versace. Pretty soon Mya Rudolph'll be impersonating her, but I did enjoy watching Rexy Linsday play a Star Wars freak who dates 35 year olds.

Raise your hand if you like objectifying black people! I see that hand, kid, and so does God. Anyway, Disney is planning to release its infamous Song of the South on DVD next year. But don't worry, non-racists, there'll be plenty of special features letting viewers know that Disney no long hates black people, BUT THEY'RE SAYING NOTHING ABOUT THEIR STANCE ON JEWS. Those sneaky dogs.

Just in case you're the one person who still doesn't have M.I.A.'s album, "Galang" is the iTunes Single-of-the-Week. That means it's free. That means you should download it. See my logic?

Gerard Way
I know your secrets, and I'm going to share them with the world!

The next My Chemical Romance single's going to be "The Ghost of You." I shouldn't know this. You shouldn't know this. The world shouldn't know this. But we do. Why? Because Gerard Way is the_worst_secret-keeper_ever.com. "Actually, the next video is for 'The Ghost of You.' I have to keep my lips sealed, though. I can't talk about what it's going to be." Smooth. Gerard's besties beware: he will tell people about that time when you cheated on your girlfriend with a dude, and he'll do it while creepily cackling through is baby-teeth.

Can you handle my truth,

PS Please go to Carl's Jr.com and watch the Paris ad. It is sex.

19 May 2005

Control yourself!

This is the most ridiculous news ever. Wesleyan band The Management is going on tour with Of Montreal. ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME!?! I got this message from them on MySpace...

Hey Everyone!

College is over for the management lads and what better way to celebrate than a 28 date national tour in the fall!
you heard right...

everyone's favorite fake karaoke pop band willl be opening for OF MONTREAL in August and September!

the tour will take us up the east coast, into the great northern plains of Canada and back through the midwest to NYC.

check out the dates at KorkAgency.com under Of Montreal.

with your help, maybe we can be on the O.C. by early next spring!

in the meantime look out for more new songs to be posted soon.

- the management

FUCK, not only will they be on the O.C., but they're sure to be blogged about on all my favorite blogs...and I'm sure they'll continue world youth day!

The Management's MySpace Page

Their Wesleyan Website

Some tunes from that website...
The Management- We Care
The Management- Just Becuz
The Management- Everything's Happenin' So Fast
The Management- Love Always Remains

Get their autographs before they leave campus...because they're BLOWING UP like Violet

Seacrest Out,
Joe John

18 May 2005

Blogging is so Chaotic

Ok, so I bought the book Eats, Shoots and Leave about a year ago, but never read it. Today, with the intent of actually figuring out commas, I picked the book up and read the back. Read what James Lipton, host of Inside the Actor's Studio writes: "At long last, a worthy tribute to punctuation's stepchildren: the neglected semicolon, the enigmatic ellipsis and the mad dash. Punc-rock on!" Punc-rock on?! Oh, James. First you let JLo on your show and now this.

Did you hear that Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered last night? Did you also hear that it ranked last in its timeslot? Sub-par, kids. I expected more from you two and your Handycam.

Thing I learned from Chaotic, A list:
1. Pink is really cool
2. Payback's a bitch
3. Britney has the most disgusting laugh ever
4. Sex with Kev makes Brit glow
5. Kevin doesn't believe in marriage
6. Nightvision is a horrible, horrible thing
7. Britney has really nice teeth
8. Mo, Britney's bodyguard, is soo cool, and I have a friendcrush on him

Cho Chang
Guess who this is

Warner Brothers released the first official picture of Katie Leung, the actress who will play Cho Chang in the upcoming Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I guess she's pretty, but I'm kinda bummed. She's no small-Asian-boy from the Kidz Bop "Since U Been Gone" video.

PageSixSixSix shows what we've all known for years: StarWars is so gay.

Woah! Now you can get Amber Alerts sent to your cell phone. Just log onto www.wirelessamberalerts.org and give the government you cellphone number. Sweet! Now when I'm bored this summer, I can steal a kid and see how long it takes for me to get a text message.

Ok, so Lindsay says she's starring in Mission Impossible 3, but when Ryan Secrest called her on it this morning (on his KissFM radio show), she confessed that she's only auditioning for the part. So I guess she has "agreed to star in it," but that's contingent on it being offered to her. Silly, confused, Lindsay. Eat something.

Speaking of upcoming trilogies, Kelsey Grammer's going to play Blue Beast in X-Men 3. What. The. Hell.

I suck at video games, but technology makes me O, so I'm always excited about the E3 expo. Anyway, it started today, and Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft all debuted new systems. Wanna know something really ironic? Microsoft's XBox 360 is technically a Mac.

The Olsen twins are on a "promotional tour" in Europe this week. For what? Their Wal-Mart clothes? Another straight-to-DVD-movie? Eating disorders?

This portion of TotesUmbrellas is brought to you by Tom, who thinks blogs are dumb, but reads them anyway:

Paris and Burger
Paris likes it messy

We've all heard that Paris Hilton's beefy ad is "too hot for TV," but have you seen how nasty it is? Literally, the photo on Defamer makes me want to throw up. Maybe Carl's Jr's customers like anal sex and chicken sandwiches? Too bad they don't serve hotdogs. Sadly, we don't have any CJ's in Atlanta, so I won't be able to celebrate tomorrow, when the ad hits the airwaves. Anyone up for a roadtrip?

I never thought it would end up this way. Drums,

PS: I figured I wouldn't take away the glory from Justin, but I wanted to get these up before they were taken down...From Joe John, I got you some hip-hop infused...


As you may be aware, I am obsessed with Amerie's "1 Thing" and am ecstatic about it's placement on the upcoming Kidz Bop masterpiece. Little known fact though...I own the Jackson 5's greatest hits. This song brings both of them together, and as most mash-ups are (with rare exceptions like Stroke of Genius) isn't as good as either of the originals.
Amerie vs. The Jackson 5- ABC Thing

This is Amerie's first single I believe...off her first album? I'm too lazy to research. To be completely honest, this is that single remixed with Ludacris...who Jenny Low and Justin Costa think is the Dr. Seuss of our generation.
Amerie f/ Ludacris- Why Don't We Fall in Love (remix)

It's a special occasion...Mimi's remixification. I just found a nice remix of "It's Like That". I think it might be a mash-up with Mylo. CAUTION: It's so explosive.
Mariah Carey- Drop it Like That

This link has most of Destiny's Child's Destiny Fulfilled, among other things, for download...
This song was performed at Jubilee this year, arranged by Lancelot Drummonds on piano. It was so much better with Lancelot. Later he sang his own original song about making love and Naomi nearly melted in gasms.
Destiny's Child- If
This is probably one of my favorite non-single tracks...SO MUCH GIRL POWER!
Destiny's Child- Through with Love

INCREDIBLE MASH-UP ALERT: The incredible part of this has nothing to do with the Black Eyed Peas...but moreso the successful usage of the Ghostbusters theme.
Black Eyed Busters (fixed link)

I hated Gorillaz for a long time...until I overheard Katie B talking about their song to someone. I had seen the song on a few blogs but refused to listen to it because of my intense hatred. Then she mentioned that Dan Fitchette liked it...and since Dan hates pretty much everything, I decided to give it a chance. I actually liked it...and am kind of obsessed with it even if it's in an iPod ad.
Gorillaz-Feel Good Inc.
If you act fast, you can get the whole album here, but it's almost guaranteed to not be as good as this song.

I may have posted these before...but they're two of my favorite songs...
The Stills- Still in Love Song
Ben Gibbard- They Don't Know

I hope you enjoyed the first joint post...which was done completely without Justin's permission so Katie shouldn't feel left out.

17 May 2005

Dance Magic Dance

I hate to steal Katie's glory, but I was inspired to make a post that was...


Stereogum just posted some songs by "new bands" that I knew about over a month ago. I swear I'm not just saying that to be obnoxious, but it kind of frustrates me that I blog better than professionals sometimes.

This has been my secret dancing in my room alone in the mirror song...
33hz-Crazy All the Time

OH, and clearly that isn't sufficient evidence for them cramping my style, but this is. I discovered The Sun way before them...and even provided you all with their entire album to download.
The Sun- Must Be You (posted by stereogum)
and my personal favorites...
The Sun- Lost at Home
The Sun- Waiting on High
Get the entire album Blame it on the Youth HERE.

I do, however, have stereogum to thank for bringing The Changes to my life. They've changed my life. ::bad pun:: Ages ago, stereogum posted their song, Modern Love (Hilary Duff version), and I flipped a shit over it. Not only was it funny the first couple of times I listened to it, but the song behind the narration was great! Bitchin! Well, now The Changes are getting all famous on Lollapalooza, but you can still download some of their songs off their website.
The Changes- When I Wake
The Changes- Not Too Serious
The Changes- Now I Know
The Changes- When I Sleep
The Changes- Why Did You Wait So Long?
The Changes- Her, You, & I
The Changes- If I Tried

We could totally be better than stereogum with we had money and didn't have to go to college.

Help! I'm a fish,
Joe John

MASH-UPS can be browsed and found at culturedeluxe.com...it's a good time!

16 May 2005

Do it to it, Lars!

I never got to post about the Film Ball, but a belated thank-you to every film major who had to give up 5 bucks so that theater and american studies kids could dress up and drink for free. 3 mindblowing CDs of music were programmed, but the Beta Boys shut us down after only 1.5. And so, the final 37 Home mashup party will commence TONIGHT, featuring unused film ball hits and perhaps a few of these gems (via mashup hero Adam Freelander '05):

Curtis Mayfield + Daft Punk + The Notwist + "Last Night a Dj Saved My Life" = DJ Love Affair

Janet Jackson + LCD Soundsystem = 'Miss You Much' is Playing at My House

The Knack + Run DMC = Tricky Sharona

Daft Punk + Missy = Around The World/Pass That Dutch

Multiple Interpol songs + Red Hot Chilli Peppers + Miscellaneous = A really long interpol suite

And while we're on the topic of defiling art, this one goes out to every guy you've known who told you they were "so over indie rock" and then listened to nothing but Brian Wilson for 2 years: Some electrodudes take on 'Pet Sounds'. Eat it, post-indie boys.

My super, super sweet Bar Mitzvah: Torah portion followed by 3 day rager featuring Destiny's Child and Justin Timberlake This from a guy who hired Kylie Minogue for his daughter's wedding and Rod Stewart for a toga party.

The New York Times is fucking over college students across the globe, online subscription stizz. Still, great feature today on why fonts matter. Shout out to Georgia, totesumbrella's body font of choice, and also the wonderful people at Ban Comic Sans for their humanitarian efforts. "It is analogous to showing up for a black tie event in a clown costume." Truth.


Saturday night, we followed a line of limos and stretch-SUVs to Mocon circle, where a high school prom was underway. Joe John and I huddled around the (mirrored, thank god) windows right above the dishwashing/trashcan line and watched for at least an hour. My mind was blown. Highlights:

-Giant Eiffel Tower, theme obviously "One Night in Paris"
-Group of bros who ignored their dates in favor of jumping up and down in a circle a whole lot
-Tiny white guy in white 3-piece suit, top hat, cane meets large black guy in same outfit. Going for different effects?
-Bros form 'Copa Cabana' Conga Line, gay as hell
-Taj Mowery
-Watching an entire Connecticut Private school from above while they slow dance to KC and JoJo's "All My Life" is exactly as awesome as it sounds.
-Hollaback Girl, One, Two Step, O-Zone, Slave 4 U, GASOLINA = If they played music like that at my prom and I had 3 years of ironic detachment, maybe I could have gone.

"The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill" made all my friends cry,

15 May 2005

Tweens & Tunes

Normally, I'd wait to talk about the Lohan until later in my entries. You know...make it the climax of my entry. In this case, I'm absolutely shocked. Lindsay and Nicole Richie are looking ATROCIOUSLY thin. Now her head looks too big for her body, and the hair is terrible. Whatever...I'm officially converted to a Michelle Trachtenberg lover. She's grown up a lot since being Nona on Pete & Pete. Hilary Duff is even looking better than Lindsay these days. Oh, by the way...who's excited for the sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen!?! Realistically, I'm less excited about the Shrek movies becoming a trilogy...especially a trilogy with Justin Timberlake involved. I am, however, excited about Justin Timberlake playing "Jack's bad boyfriend" on Will & Grace.

My favorite caption to the Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie picture taken from the Best Week Ever blog...
"I'd still bone eiter of them..."
All I have to say is that at least Britney is letting loose for us.

It's not the Kidz Bop video, but it's pretty good. Kelly Clarkson's video for "Behind These Hazel Eyes" just popped out of the oven recently. The song itself is no "Since U Been Gone", but it has just as much womanly angst. Also, she goes crazy in this video too! This is also the best thing ever. I think everyone should make this little Asian boy their desktop. Seriously. I did and now I have an army of small identical Asian boys in yellow shirts pumping their fists. OH, Justin also made a music file of the Kidz Bop version of "Since U Been Gone". Check it out here. I know rapidshare is a bitch, but if you click the free download, wait around a minute, a link should appear to download the file.

OK, so I think the best news I've heard recently is that Jenny Lewis, from Rilo Kiley/back-up vocals for The Postal Service, is recording a solo album.

Hey Star Wars dorks! Check this out. It's actually pretty impressive.

GOD, Elijah Wood is SOOOOO Gay. This is a pretty funny website. Make sure to check out the photos.

I don't know if this is for real. There are a lot of family photos so I assume so. For all you Riding the Bus with my Sister enthusiasts, here is Rosie O'Donnell's online photo album...oh, and here is her blog!

I know I've said before that I'm going to hate Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because of Johnny Depp, and I might. With that said, now that I've seen the TV commercial I have faith that at least the colors will be visually fantastic.

Damnit! We all missed ORGASM DAY!

If you're as much of a wanna-be tween as I am, don't forget to vote for the MTV Video Music Awards! You gotta make it happen for Mean Girls! OH, and Will Smith is nominated for best male actor in Hitch. I didn't even see the movie, but I know I made the right decision by voting for him. Twice.

Given the large amount of news on sophomore albums, I figured I'd put this all in one place.

Ok. I'm behind. This news is actually from January...but can I tell you now non-sarcastically excited I am about Lauryn Hill's sophomore solo album? Also...there's news that a Fugees reunion will actually happen. This is me. Shitting my pants. Shitty McPants-alot. Kanye West is producing at least two songs on the album. In other Kanye related news, he's set to work with John Mayer on his sophomore album. A preview of John Mayer musically canoodling with Kanye West is featured in my Tunes section, off of Common's new album. In other news, I'm also actually excited about Kelly Osbourne's sophomore LP. She admitted that the first one sucked a lot. Why the hell am I excited though? Linda Perry from 4 Non Blondes produced most of the album, entitled Sleeping in the Nothing (a reference to one of my favorite movies, The Neverending Story). The title refers to Kelly doing a whole lot of drugs or something like that. Regardless, I probably won't actually buy this album since the first single sucks. That's not what's important. Linda Perry basically worked with Gwen Stefani to create some of the best 80s-esque dance songs on Love Angel Music Baby, including "What You Waiting For?" By the way, Gwen Stefani is set to release her sophomore solo album by this Christmas! She'll be recording with Pharrell Williams again, which means we may get more songs of the dance party caliber of "Hollaback Girl".


Since I figure most people only glanced over my epic post, I decided this song needed a repost. Since posting it nearly five thousand people (read: actually two) came up to me dropping their jaws and proclaiming its greatness. The funny part is...it was just someone's science project.
Ethan Leinwand & Andrew Vanwyngarden- Supervolcano!

Since Mascara played it, I can't help but think "Just What I Needed" sounds great with a female vocalist. Here is a cover.
Damone- Just What I Needed (The Cars cover)

Gwen Stefani's album "Love Angel Music Baby" for those of you that don't have it. Non-single tracks to look out for- Bubble Pop Electric, Serious, Cool

M.I.A. performed "Galang" live on Jimmy Kimmel. Get it here.
Here's a mash-up of M.I.A. I like...Uraqt in the Ladies Room

The aforementioned sucky song by Common/Kanye/John Mayer.
Common f/ Kanye West & John Mayer- Go

Finally, if you haven't heard Ben Gibbard from The Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie covering Avril Lavigne, get on that!
Ben Gibbard- Complicated (live Avril Lavigne cover)

God I really want a pizza,
Joe John

14 May 2005

Marriages Galore!

I've made it safely to Atlanta, where I'll be field-reporting for Totes all summer long. I should go rapper-hunting at the clubs one night. That'd be fun, and hopefully I won't get shot.

So it seems that love is in the air, y'all. I have three marriages to cover, and only one of them doesn't make me want to start cutting my inner thighs. I'll let you guess which one.

First we have Seal and Heidi Klum, who married on a beach Tuesday in Mexico. "But he has all those scars, and she's so hott!" I know, I know.

Next up: Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney, a country singer(?), tied the knot in the Caribbean. Kenny was barefoot. I wanted to get married barefoot, but I guess it's cliché now that everyone on CMT's doing it. Maybe I could get married barefoot in the Bronx. I bet no one's done that (and survived).

Lastly, Jason Priestley is probably getting married as I type this to Naomi Lowde. This was his second engagement to a make-up artist, showing that Jason knows how to M.A.C. it. (sorry. I hate puns too.)

Ok. Enough of that.

Can you not get enough of Riding the Bus with My Sister? Shame on you. Anyway, there's a summary of it up on TWoP. Read it, but I warn you: you may pee yourself.

Tara Reid could get to party for money! If a whore has sex for money, what does that make her? Hmm... Whatever. She'll probs pop-out like every 'sode, so her boobs are bound to win an Emmy or something.

Gosh, you're such a playlistist.

Playing cards is lame. That's right I said it. But playing War with iPods? Not so lame. However, Wesleyan students, we'll have to add a 10th rule: pretentious indie-rocker's can't play. Oh, and emo always wins. ALWAYS

I'm not going to believe that Ciara's a woman until I impregnate her, but here's the remix of her new single "Oh!": "Oh (Cadence Weapon Remix)" -Ciara I guess it could be worse. Right?

Last night I watched Paris Hilton die on the big screen,

12 May 2005

Kelly Clarkson Kidz Bop

MAN! They took the link down.

EDIT: You can save the file onto your computer via Fluxblog, or my wirehog.

EDIT II: The best part of the video is during the bridge with the lyric "out of sight". The girl in the video jumps out of the frame of the camera. Fantastic.

EDIT III: Someone please use wiretap or a similar program to make an MP3!

EDIT IV: I've watched this video 10 times today...maybe more.

EDIT V: Let's go kill some people at Yellowstone!


Stereogum readers would be up on this, but I figured I'd let the rest of you in on the fun. And by fun, I mean best. thing. ever. period.

My Sister on Vocals.
Tiger on Guitar.
Gator on Bass.
Walrus on Drums.
A multi-culti audience of children pumping their fists.
Girl lip-synching into a comb.


Edit: Things to look out for- note that this child is very happy about someone being gone..., these children FEEL this song so much that you can see the passion, lip-synching zebra who makes a cameo appearance, girl dances with giraffe in beginning of video, the tiger is an attention hog...walrus is much cooler, the gator's bass in real life is actually a tennis racket, there is a giraffe in the real life part but not in the imaginary concert sequence, this little girl is a diva...did you see her throw away that shark like she's better than it?, the synchronized Hitler-esque fist pumping during the second chorus, small Asian boy in red ROCKING out so hard during second chorus, bouncing slow-motion little children after the hair flipping before the guitar solo, Is that a tennis racket in the drum set?, The small Asian kid in a yellow shirt with his face contorted in rage pumping his fists, I think they used the clip of the one little Black kid dancing just because they must think all black people look the same, lip-synching zebra who makes a cameo appearance, the "sister" singer's serious face towards the end of the video,

FINALLY, the Kidz Bop release of "Since U Been Gone" is heard. I can't wait for the album to drop this summer! And who would be able to wait? Have you SEEN the tracklist?

1. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
2. I Don't Want to Be - Gavin Degraw
3. Obsession (No Es Amor) - Frankie J
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
5. Caught Up - Usher
6. Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani
7. Let Me Love You - Mario
8. Vertigo - U2
9. 1, 2 Step - Ciara
10. Lonely No More - Rob Thomas
11. Over and Over - Nelly Featuring Tim McGraw
12. Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
13. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
14. 1 Thing - Amerie
15. True - Ryan Cabrera
16. Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
17. Karma - Alicia Keys
18. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand

I'm buying it the second it comes out. I just need to find out when that is.

08 May 2005

Call your moms! It's Mother's Day!

Readers, please do not be alarmed by our lack of posting. It is reading week here at Wesleyan, which means that everyone is either partying or sleeping. A regularly-updated TotesUmbies will return post-exams. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Though before I go back to work (read: staring at my textbooks while chatting online and wondering why the weather wants me to become suicidal), I'll alert you to some important goings-on outside the metaphorical Wesleyan gates.

For some reason I get the BU Alumni e-newsletter. Most likely b/c they realize that I'm too school for school. Anyway, this article left me wondering two things:
1. Why do we not get MTVu
2. Why is BU cooler than us? They have Republicans and The Big Dig, for God's sake!

Microsoft loves the gays....or at least thinks they shouldn't get taxed without representation and crap like that. Because of this, The Christian Right (caps make them seem scarier) plans to boycott the company...I'd be more conviced if this weren't impossible. God, even my microwave runs Windows.

The Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire teaser is online! Watch it now and forever! My only complaint is that I wish they didn't show the kids "growing up," b/c it just makes me realized how ugly Ron has become. Get a haircut, dude.

If I were this teacher I'd be pissed. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is going to make over her (what? I'm old fashioned) wardrobe and....her classroom? Sucks to be her, b/c after this show's over and done she'll be left with a designer classroom and a shitastic house.

And last, but not least: Jennifer Garner's pregnant. Sometimes I feel like this site is turning into a maternity watch. Anyway, maybe the kid with get its mom's genes....and have a successful career.

I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain,

06 May 2005

I sure as hellfire remember you!

Here's a quick rundown of stuff your friends are in that you are socially obligated to attend (jk art is neat but not even i can keep this shit straight):

-Painting I & II Exhibitions, CFA Studio South, 1-3pm
-Cardinal Sinners, Alpha Delt, 7pm
Vocal Debauchery, Science Center lobby, 7pm
-Senior Thesis 16mm premiere, CFS, 7:30pm
-Sunspots (Directed by Jeremy Paul and starring our very own [sort of] Anna Moench), 92 Theater, 8pm with postplay discussion by author Charles Borkhuis
-Gag Reflex, Science Center Lobby, 9pm

-Sunspots, 92 Theater, 1 & 8pm
-Senior Thesis Digitals, round 2, CFS, 7:30pm
-Desperate Measures 24/24=1 hour show, Westco Cafe, 9pm
-Punchline, MPR, 10:30

Digital film premiere last night finally filled the new CFS and all was right with the world. My impending graduation freak out reared its ugly head in the form of an all-nighter, making t-shirts at 37 Home for the cast and crew of "Cornered." They turned out real nice, just like the movie. If you did not go last night, then you are probably not even someone who reads this. Still, Saturday is your second chance. And, of course, 16mms revealed, tonight.

Not a saved soul got out of Essie's birthday bash without wine on their immaculate white and gold clothing. Still, a little quality time with some Clorox is a small price to pay for such a blessed event (except for maybe Max's powerbook). Special thanks to PapaRatzi, the awesome holy man himself. My legs are still sore, but:

Tonight, totesumbrellas will be rolling 3 deep at B2's last dance party of the year. It's open playlist, so BYOJ.


Tomorrow, the Boogie Club takes Boston. Unfortunately, we will not have time to grace MIT's convention. No time! Get it?! Still, an impressive tour is planned. Hide your children.

Finals have destroyed my will to blog, but here's some stuff:

New House of Cosbys and The 'Bu finally gets cancelled.

Documentary filmmaking + Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day = WHAT?! only good things can come of this.

Weezer at coachella via cobrasnake: my high school heart just skipped so many beats.

I think it's bullshit, but, it's cool that he likes folding so much,

04 May 2005

Epic End of the School Year Post

Ok, this is tough for me...but I'm going to try to cover two old pieces of awesome news in one post. Why? Because some people missed out on these beautiful occurrences. These are two things that must be seen, heard, and felt with all your heart.

First, I want to clarify on the theme for Essie Lash's birthday party. Attendees of the party were asked to wear white and gold in honor of the "awesome holy man" that is the pope. Not everyone who heard about the party or attended had heard the wonderful words of Patrick Baron. If you haven't heard the NPR clip (fastforward to around 2 minutes, 40 seconds), you need to do so immediately. Patrick Baron of the Catholic nature is not to be confused with Patrick Baron of the Wesleyan University Class of 2006, who was mentioned in my previous Pizazz! post.

Notable quotes by Patrick Baron:
"Oh, it's awesome!"
"I'm sure he'll continue world youth day!"
"He's just an awesome holy man!"
"Two awesome popes right after another!"

Patrick Baron is playing at my house!...Adam Freelander did the most glorious mash-up ever. An MP3 download of...
Patrick Baron vs. Daft Punk- One More Awesome Pope

Second note of business involves this woman right here...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Yes. That is Rosie O'Donnell. And yes. She played a mentally disabled individual in CBS's made for TV movie, Riding the Bus with My Sister. Yes. Andie MacDowell was her co-star. Yes. It was the best bad movie ever. And yes. Dan Fitchette put it on the network...giving me an excuse to write this post several days late.

To begin, let me fill you in on some of the WesHistory of this movie from my perspective. While at the campus center with a small group of friends, an ad in US Weekly was brought to my attention. The ad had this picture on it...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

After that, it took nothing to convince me that this was going to be the best movie ever. To make me even more excited, the ad included a phrase like, "They've been sisters all their lives, but now it's time for them to be friends". The movie was by the Hallmark Hall of Fame, based on a true story by Rachel Simon, and directed by Anjelica Huston.

I got invited by dear Essie to a party on facebook for the movie showing. I arrived at C2 and joined a crowd of young people eager for an evening of Rosie's acting. We saw the movie. We laughed. No one cried, but they should have because the ending sucked.

It seems wrong and in bad taste to say that a movie about a mentally disabled individual was the most hilarious thing you've ever seen, but O'Donnell's portrayal of Beth Simon combined with the terrible writing made this movie laugh out loud funny, yet slightly uncomfortable for everyone involved. There also is an extreme ambiguity in just how Beth is mentally disabled. Does she have down syndrome? Or is it something else? Let's not forget that the movie is constantly using the term "retard", contains a heartbreaking and unresolved plot-line of Beth's tubes being tied, and was actually approved by the author of the novel.

Beyond the "retard" plot, there is a sad occurrence in which Andie MacDowell's character Rachel has an asshole fiance...who she leaves. Then, while looking after Beth, she encounters a hunky stud of a bus driver named Rick. They go on a pseudo-date in which she tells him that she couldn't be with him because of their class differences. Sexual tension lasts throughout the movie, but in the end she winds up going back to her asshole fiance...who only comes back because she has a successful art show. Ok, so we know that this may have been based on a true story...but couldn't we have just fabricated the tale a little in order to restore faith to all the hunky bus drivers who want to find their dream girl who won't judge them because of their occupation? Seriously.

Regardless, all the attendees of the original showing haven't been able to stop quoting this movie around one another. Our lives have been made significantly better. There's a facebook group dedicated to it created by Jess Lane. Eliza Ford is working on getting a copy of the movie on DVD or VHS, and as I said earlier, Dan Fitchette has downloaded the movie and put it on the network.

Now, this is the part where I bombard you with links.

First off, let's check out imdb. The message boards are hilarious. Just to get your feet wet I quote..."you really think a retarded person cares if you call them retarded? Of course not.. cause they're retarded."

Then, we have someone who captured the entire closed captioning of the movie. I warn you that it's a spoiler if you haven't seen the movie. A favorite of the quotes comes from a man on the bus who says, "
Pay her no mind. She's just a harmless retard. Just don't make eye contact."

The preview and a few clips are available on CBS.com...but TVgasm.com provided us with a video montage of Beth that I love. The clips from CBS collectively make it seem like black people are more friendly to the mentally disabled. Seriously. Also, take note of the poll at the bottom. Please vote just so you can see the results. I promise it'll be worth it. DO YOU LIKE MARSHMALLOWS? Me too.

To change topics completely, I got a special "Happy Mother's Day" treat from Russell Barlow today. It was a video from the Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man (his brother, Andrew, co-wrote this) web-site...and it is thoroughly humorous and odd.

On another Wesleyan note...Ethan Leinwand & Andrew Vanwyngarden wrote the most incredible song for their final poster project in E&ES155- Hazardous Earth: Stuff that will Kill You. I was lucky to hear the debut of the song in the middle of the science center lobby, but for those of you who didn't, here's your chance. The unfortunate thing is that this song is more appropriate for the next Wesleyan dance party as opposed to a classroom. I warn you...it's pretty addictive.
Ethan Leinwand & Andrew Vanwyngarden- Supervolcano

Trent from Pink is the New Blog is not down with Ashlee Simpson's new hair-cut...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Personally, it kind of makes me want to "La La". I think it's cute...and I also support Ashlee Simpson even if she can't really sing. She's the best of the overly processed lip-synching pop stars.

So Pitchfork likes Architecture in Helsinki's new album. I don't know whether or not I should be happy or sad about that. It doesn't matter because Max Goldblatt and I love it too, and he dedicated one of the songs to me while DJing. So Nhhhh! ::sticks out tongue::

Um, if anyone has ever heard Har Mar Superstar, can they explain why people like Britney Spears want to work with him? I downloaded a few songs way back for comical value. He basically just has simple beats and overly sexual lyrics about smackin' girls' asses and doing them up against the mixing boards in the studio. I really can't wait to hear some of these songs, especially when he has lyrics like, "When I came home I liked what I found. My girl was masturbating to the Har Mar sound."

First Mariah Carey got served by Rob Thomas, but Bruce Springsteen has shown both of them that he rocks harder by outselling them. Jesse Young is certainly not crying.

If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were having animalistic loud sex near me, I would not complain...I'd most likely masturbate to it. Ok, I'm kidding. I swear.

Hey emo kids! Oh wait...you pretty much don't exist outside of Justin. Legion of Doom are these guys who do mash-ups of emo songs. They're pretty weird. The actual artists aren't happy with the results though...Whatever, Taking Back Sunday you still suck. Confession: I used to be obsessed with Taking Back Sunday in high school. Everyone told me that I'd stop being obsessed eventually, but I didn't believe them. Now I do, because Taking Back Sunday blows big penises.

I'll admit I'm stealing 90% of my news from Trent, but Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star is the best thing since the Stop Ashlee Simpson petition.

Poor Kelly. Here at Wesleyan, we still love you...and would do anything to heal your bruises provided you promise to play Spring Fling next year. Since U Been Foss. Word on the net is that "Since U Been Gone" is set to be a song on the next KidzBop CD. Bloggers will go nuts when this happens.

Paris Hilton is fussier than Rosie O'Donnell's character in Bus. If I was sculpted in wax, I wouldn't be complaining.

Lindsay Lohan is possibly going to perform for a bunch of overly horny soldiers in Iraq...do you think any of them will care about the music?

Just go here. Look at the headline. The day Audioslave makes history other than being the suckiest band ever...is the day I die.

OK, so I lied. P.O.D. is the worst band ever. And they want Gwen Stefani to sing on one of their songs. Don't do it Gwen. Don't do it. I forgive you for working with Moby, but this would ruin your career.

While researching Riding in the Bus with My Sister, I discovered that Nicky Hilton's website is called "The Other Sister". I wonder if anyone told her about the movie...

A few New Music Tuesdays ago, Justin criticized Shakira's song "La Tortura". This was clearly before he watched the video on shakiramedia. It is quite possibly the most boner-inducing thing ever. She's all covered in ink much in the fashion of Christina Milian in "Dip it Low", except she's Shakira and consequently so much hotter.


Mary J. Blige has a tendency to write so many self referential songs. I really don't understand the need for people like her and Eminem to make music about their life and career. Can't she just write quality music about falling in love and getting crunk?
Mary J. Blige f/ 50 Cent- MVP

Ok, so this is old, but in honor of Mr. Cent, I decided I'd post this hilarious song.
50 Cent- What Up Gangsta

(bad tunes)

Ok, I think this song is so bad that it's good. It's clearly written by 12 year olds. I have a friend at home who is 21 and was like, "I can totally relate to that song". MY GOD.
Simple Plan- Welcome to My Life

While we're on the topic of everything I hate about pop music, this collaboration comes into play.
Nelly f/ Tim McGraw- Over and Over

Ok. So I love Ludacris. I confess that much. When he went on MTV's Dismissed and chose both girls at the end saying they could have "a menage" I thought it was hilarious. BUT I cried when I found out about this song, which samples the Austin Powers theme.
Ludacris- Number One Spot

Last year, Janine Criscuolo made me listen to this and it changed my life. It is absolute evidence that Nickelback's two hit singles "How You Remind Me" and "Someday" are actually the same song. Listen.
Nickelback sucks

(back to tunes I like)

Ok, so this is the first of these songs that I actually like in a completely non-ironic fashion. The problem is that this band is signed to Drive Thru records, home to bands like Allister and Senses Fail. The difference with this band is that their music is upbeat and dancey. It makes you feel good.
Hellogoodbye- Call N Return (Say that You're into Me)

The entire Scissor Sisters album here...Or Bloc Party's album...Or Moby's Hotel if you have no respect for good music...Or some porn music if you prefer.

And now an experiment (sorry about the sizing on this portion)...
So Spring Fling is over, the year is almost over and you need some tracks for your dance party...well, we here at totesumbrellas (and by we, I mean me) won't let you go without the perfect pirated totesumbrellas-approved playlist. Depending on how hip your party is, some of these songs may be too ironic.