04 February 2007

wash your hair to trannidom

Sometimes these things write themselves. I'm going to let this one do just that.
Using lavender and tea tree oil products can cause young boys to develop breast tissue, a study finds.
Gynaecomastia is rare, and there is often no obvious cause.
But US specialists report in the New England Journal of Medicine that three boys developed the condition after using the oils.

I just lost my urge to herbal,

02 February 2007

oh, microsoft

Woah, Microsoft, simmer down! According to the Associated Press, the computer company has begun hiring people to edit Wikipedia articles. As in that's their only job: sit in an office and make sure that Microsoft looks good on Wikipedia.
Great work, guys.

I guess this has become ever important as people realize that their software sucks, but my poor Wikipedia! You're supposed to be for the people by the people (not to be confused with FUBU).

The windows of the world are never open all the way,


So I just received this email from American Apparel. Apparently they trademarked "pantytime".

Honestly, I'm surprised it hasn't been done.


28 January 2007

box office roundup: an epic weekend

They (and by "they" I mean, of course, the media elite) always complain about how January is a movie graveyard. All the good movies have come out in December in time for Oscar consideration, we're a long few months from summer blockbusters, and anyone who isn't bothering to catch up with all the Oscar nominees will probably see anything that costs 12 bucks and is on a big screen. Or at least, so the logic goes.

So thus we have a weekend in which Epic Movie, whose title pretty much says it all, takes the #1 spot in the box office, with $19.5 million.
Crispin Glover, you should be ashamed of yourself.

They didn't screen it for critics in advance, but the oh-so-talented amateurs who manage to post at Rotten Tomatoes have already stepped up to the plate, calling it "downright offensive in its bile-inducing wretchedness and complete and utter lack of respect for an audience who maybe, just maybe, has come to laugh" and comparing it to "a drunk girl who hits her limit of appletinis at 3 AM and can’t make it all the way home." Love the belabored extended metaphor.

At #2 is Smokin' Aces, an action movie which seems to be about as dumb as Epic Movie, but at least has Jeremy Piven to boast about.
Might be looking a little rough around the edges, but still, he's the Piven.

While it bested Epic Movie's 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, Smokin' Aces is still beset with a pretty wretched 29%, with critics accusing it of having "whorish insensitivity" and "a mad, mad, mad, mad whirl of bullets, bloodshed, the occasional breast and agonizingly lame jokes aimed at males who don't get out much." (Nice pun there, in any case)

#3: Night at the Museum.
Because the world will never run out of elementary schoolers to see this movie.

Catch and Release, the only other new release this weekend and the only one I would even admit to kind of wanting to see, came in at #4 with $8 million and what Variety reported was a 75% female audience.
Chicks dig Kevin Smith?

And the rest, in order of dollar-making ability:

#5: Stomp The Yard
6: Dreamgirls (can I note here that in the grocery store I heard a guy singing "Cadillac Car," which is probably the worst of the fake Motown hits in the movie. How do you manage to get that stuck in your head?)
#7: The Pursuit of Happyness
#8: Pan's Labyrinth (I will never understand how this movie has become so mainstream popular, but I'll just be grateful for it and shut up)
#9: The Queen
#10: The Hitcher

Making me see Epic Movie would probably ruin our friendship,

25 January 2007

totes awards season: the best directors

Before we begin looking at the full list of nominees this year, let's take a look at the track record of one Mr. Martin Scorsese.

Yes, the eyebrows are real, and they're fabulous.

1980: Nominated for Best Director for Raging Bull. Loses to pretty boy Robert Redford (Ordinary People), who, to be fair, looks great in pinstripes.
Dysfunctional Chicago family > washed-up boxer

1988: Nominated for Best Director for Last Temptation of Christ. Loses to Baltimorean Barry Levinson (Rain Man), who, honestly, makes some horrible hat choices.
Autistic Dustin Hoffman > uhh... Jesus?

1990: Nominated for Best Director for Goodfellas. Loses to Wesleyan parent Kevin Costner (Dances with Wolves), who, to be fair, looks great in white.
A home where the buffalo roam > a home where the mob threatens your well-being

2002: Nominated for Best Director for Gangs of New York. Loses to Roman Polanski (The Pianist) who, for Christ's sake, is a real-live sex offender.
Haunting Holocaust drama > kinda mediocre New York gore-fest

2004: Nominated for Best Director for The Aviator. Loses to Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby), who, to be fair, packs some serious heat.
"Mo Cuishle "> "Way of the Future" (when it comes to catchphrases, at least)

So here we are in 2006. And who is the Great Eyebrowed One up against this time?
Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu (Babel), who makes a pretty fierce "call me" gesture

Stephen Frears (The Queen), who is British , people, come on

Paul Greengrass (United 93), who looooves 9/11... and, clearly being a hippie, another kind of green "grass," if you know what I mean, and you do

Holy fuck! Clint's back! Get the ammo!

The purpose of this whole history lesson: it's Marty's year. Clint won two years ago (deservedly), Paul Greengrass couldn't even get his movie nominated for Best Picture (and he's a newbie-- he's got time), Innaritu has been doing the same thing in his last two movies and also has plenty of time, and Frears, like his movie, is a bit too British and starched collar to evoke too much emotion. Anyway, why would you go for that when you could go for the man who lets Leonardo DiCaprio wave a rifle in the air once in a while.
Way of the future!

In conclusion: smile, Marty! If I had photoshop I would totally replace that Golden Globe with an Oscar, but pretty soon I won't even need to. You'll have it for real.

Next time we do Best Actor, and perhaps discuss why I never noticed Forest Whitaker's crazy eye before the Golden Globes, and what's up with that anyway?

Wondering why so many people loosely connected to Wesleyan get nominated for Oscars,


23 January 2007

totes awards season: the best pictures

You know you've finally found the right job when your boss shows up at your desk with three sheets of paper and gleefully announces "Oscar nominations! And no Dreamgirls!" and you reply "Already seen it. What about Children of Men, huh?"

So, yes. First of all let us all shed a single tear for our friends in Dreamgirls.

Better luck... uh... never, ladies.

As much as I legitimately enjoyed Dreamgirls, I kind of like the idea of giving a big "fuck you" to a mediocre movie that was clearly engineered as Oscar bait. The direction and acting and--oh!-- the costumes were all lovely, but the musical it was based on was fair to middling at best. I mean, come on, "Steppin' To The Bad Side?" That could never be a real song!

When it comes to everything else that got nominated for best picture instead of Dreamgirls (that would be The Queen, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Babel, and Little Miss Sunshine, for those of you who haven't been following this obsessively all day instead of working)...eh. My love for Children of Men, which is objectively the best movie I've seen in several years, overrides any affection I have for any of the actual nominees, though to be fair I've only seen Sunshine and The Queen among them. Still, when the Academy overlooks a good, commercial, awards-season legit blockbuster (it's been in the top 10 for the past few weeks), everything starts to look bleaker.
Clive Owen would save you too, if only you would ask!

I'm gonna say it right now, though-- even though it's one of the few Best Picture nominees I've seen, Little Miss Sunshine: not that great. Good, yes. Charming, yes. Enjoyable, of course. Full of talent, absolutely. But not a Best Picture, especially in a year full of Children of Men and Pan's Labyrinth and even Little Children, which I didn't even love. I know there have been years where the quirky little movies overcome emotional, epic powerhouses (though, to be fair, Shakespeare in Love had Tom Stoppard on its side), but this isn't going to be one of them. Unless Greg Kinnear is working overtime giving. blowjobs to the Academy, rule it out.

Which leaves us with The Queen, The Departed, Iwo Jima, and Babel (a.k.a. Crash 2: Semester Abroad!). Something tells me that no one really wants to see a war epic in Japanese, no matter how much they love Clint Eastwood, and The Queen was a wee bit too British and starched shirt and simple for the Academy, which loves nothing more than a good crying scene or an emotional montage scored by James Horner. When it comes to Marty vs. the Mexican, neither of whose movies I have seen, I can't really form an opinion, though if Babel is as depressing and The Departed as enjoyable as I've been made to believe, then go Boston mobsters!

In conclusion: get off the bus

Too quirky!
quit using the royal "we"
Too dowdy!
get the hell out of Japan
Too Axis of Evil-y!

leave Brad Pitt in America where he belongs
Too Brangelina-y!

and say hello to this man right here.
Just Jack!

Next time we do Best Director. Prepare to fall in love with a giant set of eyebrows!

Feeling kinda sorry for Beyonce for the first time ever,

21 January 2007

let the blue state civil war begin

I know this is getting into that iffy realm of "politics" rather than "totally relevant pop culture," but you may have noticed this weekend that Hillary is in!

What does this have to do with pop culture, you ask?

That's right-- the Clintons have the best connections in Hollywood this side of Heidi Fleiss. Not since Bruce Springsteen played at a rally for John Kerry have we seen the kind of celebrity ass-kissing that's about to happen. Whereas most Democratic candidates try to avoid the "limousine liberal" stereotype, the Clintons have no hope of escaping it. I mean, remember this?

Why, you're right, that IS Bono!

In short, this is going to be like that episode of "The West Wing" where they all go to Hollywood, except this guy is also going to be following them:

(Enlarged in order for you to properly appreciate pecs)

And honestly, if you had to choose which one had a face more suited for radio, I think Hil' will be hitting up NPR soon enough.

And just in case "Beach Babe Obama" and "Hollywood Hillary" weren't enough for you, please don't forget that this guy -- a Republican! -- is also considering a run:

"I'm gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz"

Once Brangelina decides who to endorse, then we'll really have an election on our hands.

Will someone please explain to me why Hillary was with Oprah when she won her Emmy?

P.S: Oscar nominations on Tuesday! Start making your predictions!

20 January 2007

meat heads

What kind of world do we live in when the number one most shoplifted item is meat? No, seriously.
Every supermarket detective—or "loss-prevention specialist," as many prefer to be called—has an offbeat meatlifting story to share. There's the one about the lady who seemingly defied the laws of physics by stuffing an entire HoneyBaked Ham in her purse, the man discovered with a trove of filet mignons in his Jockey shorts, or the meth addict who explained that his dealer, exhibiting an atypical benevolent streak, had agreed to accept prime rib in lieu of cash.

Take me!
Read the rest of the article here.


take two

And now for part two of the O'Reilly-Colbert mash-up: O'Reilly on The Report.

I love the allusion to sexual devience. Score, Colbert! And don't forget to read the commentary on Slate.

Time to loofah!

just like us

Look at this picture:

Paris "Left Eye" Hilton

Notice anything? SHE HAS A LAZY EYE! Better yet she apparently wasn't born this way. According to Celebitchy, her cray-cray left eye is the result of a screwed up eye lift. She's also wearing colored contacts for a role, which is not helping the sitch.

See! Celebs: they're physically deformed just like us! Oh, and supposedly Paris hates Britney now? Y'all, what's she gonna do?!

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy,

19 January 2007

it's a french name

Boy howdy! You need to see this: Colbert on The Factor!! Talk about Awkies.

I hope you caught the strange message at the end. I didn't make it! I swear!

Why all the yelling?

no green mountain iphone

Remember the iPhone? Well, people in Vermont do, and they're enraged by it. This is because after all the excitement and hype surrounding the phone in the past few weeks, Green Mounties have realized that they can't have it. Not a single one.

Hands off, Vermont

The reason being that Cingular (the exclusive carrier of Apple's yet to be released cell-wonder) doesn't operate a single cell tower in the whole state of Vermont. Unbelievable? I know! Although Cingular customers can get service in the state via roaming, the company's terms of service prohibit customers from living in roam areas. Also, the company has apparently been known to cancel the plans of those who roam constantly. Sucks to your assmar, Vermont!

A few days before the phone's release, Vermont's Governor Jim Douglas pledged to make Vermont the "first true 'e-state" by bringing broadband and cell service to its entirety by 2010. Ironically, the iPhone does both of these things, and they can't have it. Awk, Gov. Doug. Awk.

[Can't] cross the Green Mountain,

18 January 2007

wii-ing the night away

I should have posted this earlier, but whatever. Last week, a woman died trying to win a Nintendo Wii from a radio station. The morning show on Sacramento's KDND FM held a contest titled Hold Your Wee For A Wii. Clever. Cute. Until someone died!!!! The game went something like this: players drank eight ounces of water every fifteen minutes for 90 minutes. After the 90 minutes were up, players were given increasingly larger portions of water until someone wet him/her/hirself. Unfortch, one woman went home (having not won a wii) and died from water intoxication.
Want me? I cost $250...and your life!!!!!!!

Well, breaking news in the story: the station has fired ten employees including the hosts of the "Morning Rave", the show that held the contest. Good for them! Killing peeps with water....how low.

But the moral here, chillins', is that anything can kill you in excess, water, ponies, crack-cocaine, you name it! I remember that my AP Environmental Science teacher (we called it "APES" for short) once told us that eating too much spinach can prove deadly. Lucky for Popeye, spinach is only lethal in doses upwards of 22 pounds, an amount that surpasses the capacity of the human stomach. Phewph!

I could never let you go,

proud to be an american

Hott damn! This is so horrible that it's actually hilarious. The other day a 17 year-old in Singapore was sentenced to 18 months of probation, which includes an internet ban, for stealing WiFi. No joke! Apparently Singapore recently enacted (and is enforcing!) a Computer Misuse Act.

Hope you're not in Singapore

Thank goodness I live in America, a country where we're free to steal anyone who's too stupid to lock their linksys' internet. Live on, live strong. Glory to the Red, White, and Bush Blue!

From purple mountains majesty,

17 January 2007

totes awards season: shocked, shocked!

Sorry for the delay. I slipped into a coma following the Golden Globes, which, to be fair, was the best sleep I've gotten in weeks.

I've always been kinda obnoxiously proud of being able to predict awards winners, even when I'm waaaaay off (see Brokeback, my dark-horse hopes for In the Bedroom a few years back). But when I'm pretty sure about who's going to win Best Actor in a miniseries, when Meryl Streep can see the winners coming even without her eyeglasses, it's cruel to expect anyone to stay up until the end without the aid of free booze. Unless, of course, you're watching just to see who dipped a little too deeply into the free booze (Tim Allen, please come back next year, and just wear a hip flask this time).

And yet, there were some highlights. We'll get to those first:

Good in a weird way: The Hollywood Foreign Press
I assume they look something like these guys. Kyra Sedgwick says they've always been sweet to her, but I prefer to assume they wear face masks.

Good in a please-be-my-mom way: Meryl Streep
Love. Her. So. Much. Today in my neighborhood I saw a woman who, I swear, looked exactly like Meryl Streep did in Devil Wears Prada. I was almost excited until I realized the woman was driving herself, she was in my neighborhood, and her character was, uh, fictional, and also kind of a bitch. Oh well.

Good in a British-accents-make-you-hotter way: Hugh Laurie
He announces that he has a great crew, but then again.... "Everyone says that, and they can't all be right. Somebody, somewhere out there is working with a crew of drunken thieves." And then he told them they smelled of freshly-mown grass. And then he thanks Robert Sean Leonard, for no apparent reason. In the time between when I started this post and now, Dick Clark productions removed the clip from YouTube. Assholes.

Good in a British-accents-make-you-hotter-especially-when-you're-used-to-hearing-a-fake-Kazakh-accent-way: Sacha Baron Cohen
Wait wait wait, let's see that in a close-up.
Yeah. As someone on the internets already put it, unexpectedly doable. And it's OK! Someone said he kinda sorta looks like my boyfriend, so I'm in the clear!

Good in an unendingly cute way: America Ferrera

The next step on my road to becoming that girl who talks about her boyfriend all the time: after the Globes my boyfriend, who went to theater camp with America Ferrera, tried to prove he was cool by showing that he was her facebook friend. Turns out, she's not. He's just a social climber. Still, America remains 100% adorbs. Let the "God Bless America" puns begin!

Adorable in a bitchy way: J-Huds
I kinda like that, even though she teared up during her speech, she was clearly expecting to win and had no time for anyone but herself. I kind of just wish she had said something like "I'm glad that you saw past the skinny and beautiful girls in this movie to the REAL talent." Something tells me this girl knows exactly what this has all done for her confidence. You sing it, girl!

Good in a fuck-you-Warren, I'll-drink-if-I-want way: Annette Bening
I can't find an actual screenshot of Annette Bening drinking champagne, which she was caught doing at least twice over the course of the ceremony, so I've got her smoking instead, which we all know is equally WRONG. But seriously: you sing it, girl. Can't let free champagne go to waste!

Good in a why-the-hell-not way: Sienna Miller's braid
Yup, that's right. I said it.

And now we have the bad.
Yeah, sorry, I got too bored thinking about the Golden Globes to think about what was actually objectionable about it. In the end, they were pretty much what they always are, a dog-and-pony, masturbatory show, where we stargaze and pretend to care about these peoples' movies. The only thing that I could consider bad is that people like me actually consider the Golden Globes interesting, but of course, I'm just here to make your brain rot as fast as mine does. You're not getting out of this without me!

Oh wait. One more objectionable thing:
You didn't actually think I'd let that pass without comment, did you?

You have no idea what this does for my self-confidence,